A PRICELESS JOURNEY

2010 in the rearview mirror....December!!!

2011-01-05T23:31:00.000-06:00

Happy 2011 to all:
I figured I would attempt to go back and look at 2010. It was a year of my life like any other; ups and downs, packing & unpacking,challenges and successes, happiness and sadness, hello's and goodbyes ...well you get it. I hope this will somewhat make-up for not being a faithful blogger :)
Going backwards from December to January...let's do this thing!

December: The holiday season was here again and once again.. I got off to a late and slow start. I was wrapping all the gifts on Christmas eve, even the ones to be opened in a few short hours. The good was I only went out shopping three times, so except for the reindeer that poops out jellybeans, I didn't not lose any gifts or forget where I hid them. Rodney even remembered the day after Christmas,where he had put the DVD's he had bought for the family..SHREK..yeah! It's how we rock it around here...we just go with it. I actually had a great birthday out and a laid back Christmas.
I received some nice things like my little Shark vaccuum and books! My kids seemed to be appreciative of what they got...which is always nice!
Rodney once again entered treatment on Dec. 28 and will be there for 6 weeks. He seems to be taking everything more seriously and paying attention on coping skills and his triggers. The month of December gave our extended family 2 new baby girls. Rodney's cousin, Anna, had Noelle Ann and my niece Aubrey and her husband Chris, brought my great-niece and the first great-grandchild into the world on Dec. 30th. Harper RaeAnn Davis is the talk of the town and tomorrow I get to go meet her for the first time! I am ubber excited!! Connor and I took a roadtrip to south-east Iowa for New Year's eve to visit my friend Michelle (she is also a wounded vet caregiver) and her family. It was a long trip, but gave Connor and I some one-on-one time...not a bad thing for the mom of a 13 year old. We were each other's captive audience :). The downside to this December was my Aunt Linda getting seriously sick with liver disease. We thought we were losing her a couple different times, but she is a fighter. Now we are waiting to get her on the liver transplant list. My mom has really stepped up to help get her there as she lives alone and isn't in any shape to being doing that. So like I said ups and downs....but mostly just living life and showing the love by being there for each other.

Trying to Keep Imagining! Tracy

The Upcoming Wallis Ride November 13, 2010

2010-11-01T17:46:00.001-05:00

Rodney will be riding in this event on his 47th Birthday...4 years after being seriously wounded in a mortar attack in Iraq.This will be Rodney's second ride and he should be getting his own bike presented to him by AMBUCS very soon!

The best part is that we are able to take Connor with us so he can interact with other wounded warriors and hopefully ride alongside his dad while I cheer them on!

This is a trip at no expense to us thanks to the Independence Fund!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Blog family: Good & Bad

2010-10-11T23:13:00.006-05:00

Three years ago I discovered and jumped into the world of Blogging.

I wanted a way to share what my life and the lives of my family had changed since my husband, a soldier was wounded in combat on October 12, 2006. I wanted to connect possibly with others like me who were going down the same crazy road ...to help them and possibly in turn help me, since being the wife/caregiver of a wounded warrior was a foreign place with no map.I was so lost! I wroted about all the challenges and walls we were having to climb, I spoke about my feelings, I shared my children and I tried to make sense of a life that was confusing, and to be honest literally making me a very sad and angry person. I believe my blog helped save my sanity and was there at any hour of the day. BUT....the most amazing thing I found were people to walk the journey with me.....

I found much more than i could have ever expected out there in cyberspace....I found a blog family. They live all over the country and most don't or didn't have any real military connection, but they were always there. They have cried with me, given me advice, prayed with me and for my family, made me laugh and most of all made feel like I mattered and I wasn't crazy...LOL!
Thank you to all of you...you know who you are...we have followed each other onto facebook, and I have even had the pleasure of meeting one of my blog friends :)this last spring.

I have followed your lives and tried to reciprocate by being there when you need prayers and strength. That's the part that makes us a family...sharing the good and the bad. i hope you didn't feel as I deserted you when I stopped writing daily, then weekly, then monthly and then hardly ever...

I have not been a participating blog writer....I have several reasons for that...all of them aren't good enough for me to give up writing and sharing our journey. Definitely not good enough to not keep in touch by reading the blogs of my "Blog Family".
As tomorrow is Rodney's 4th "Alive Day"...the day he was wounded, the day he survived. I plan on sharing more often...because I want to, need to and have so much to tell you all..good and bad!

Trying to Keep Imagining!

Tracy

Home | www.medalofhonorspeakout.org

2010-05-12T17:14:00.000-05:00

Very Moving and so kind of them to care about this generation of soldiers, especially since they didn't have the resources that we have today.
Home | www.medalofhonorspeakout.org

Trying to Keep Imagining!Tracy

Aubrey's Surprise Wedding Song - Davis/Virgin Wedding - August 8th, 2009

2010-05-11T23:02:00.000-05:00

This is my special niece's wedding from last August to her Prince Charming, Chris. They have been together for a long time and did the wedding thing all out. Aubrey had a surprise from Chris...very ingenious since she was into every aspect of her wedding planning. He had planned that the entire wedding party perform a song and Aubrey's face while they are getting ready and moving around the stage is priceless! I wanted to share this as it makes me smile...this kid who used to follow me around when I came home from college, this beautiful little girl who will be 29 this year who taught me so much about children before I had children....IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY OF HER VERY OWN THIS WINTER! I love you both and wish you nothing but the best!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Improving Health Care for Veterans

2010-05-06T15:05:00.000-05:00

Through joyful tears I watched the signing of a piece of paper by President Obama that is hopefully going to change so many lives. As the wife/caregiver of a wouned warrior this is a day I thought I would never see....mostly I am happy that my families and families like mine are being recognized for our sacrifices. I cried knowing that that horrible day over 3 years ago wasn't in vain....that all I have fought for and continue to fight for is worth it.

God Bless America and all those who have served and are still serving, and mostly to those that gave the ultimate sacrifice! It's a start....I have hope!

Trying to Keep
Imagining!Tracy

I am Allergic to Bureauracy!

2010-04-08T23:15:00.008-05:00

If you have read any of my blog over the last couple years about us and our journey... you have probably already figured that out,I can be very vocal about the craziness of life that we live...due to Rodney being wounded in combat in 2006. There have been many blessings and as well as challenges. We have learned to dance steps to a dance we didn't know and play a game we didn't know the rules to. Dealing with all the processes and powers that be has been the most frustrating situations I could ever have imagined. So from now on in my life I am diagnosing myself allergic to bureaucracy! Which could be interesting since I am going to be a social worker, believe me I am going to try and not be part of the problem.
I thought I would update as to where we are as of today. Since I haven't done that in awhile..so here we go!

1. Rodney has still not finished the med-board process & yes it has been over 3 years since he was wounded. In fact he has another med-board appt. tomorrow at Ft. Riley, for behavior health.Hopefully this is the very last one but we are prepared for the possibility it isn't. This means he is still formally in the Kansas National Guard...limbo actually since he is not able to participate in drill. They extended his time in the military by another year...since the process in still in motion. the worst part is not having ANY communication about what is happening, say for instance a case manager who calls us once a month..no way, we call, we call and they don't call back.We have come to expect that as horrible as that is! We do have a FRC (Federal Recovery Coordinator) now, but she is clear in Georgia. I have been doing this for so long now, I sometimes feel I know at least as much as she does, and probably more consider I live it every day.
2.Physically & emotionally Rodney is worse off than he was when he first came home. He is 46, not one of the younger soldiers. He is now wearing a knee brace and uses a cane most of the time. He will need to have a knee replacement at some point (VA likes to wait until age 50.His pain level depends on the day. He had an appt. recently with his primary. Rodney is on about 15-20 meds a day from psysh drugs to blood pressure to high cholesterol to pain. We keep the list on the fridge so we can grab it in an emergency. I know Rod struggles emotionally with his TBI & PTSD as well as not feeling as capable as he was before. I wish I could say him going to the hospital as an in-patient has helped, but I would be lying. His memory, his ability to follow through and his impulsiveness seem to get a little better then go the other direction. I am so defeated some days. Honestly there is so much and it is so difficult on our relationship and his relationships with the kids.
3. The decision from Social Security has been made but we don't know what it is yet...we have to wait for it to come in the mail! We are of course hoping for the positive and that we will get some financial support since Rodney cannot work. So we should know soon...I will let you know!!!!
4. I received my letter that I am good to receive Chapter 35 education benefits. This means that I will receive a stipin to help pay for grad school according to the hours I am taking. So since I am going part-time I should get around $400 a month and they are paying in arrears to when I started school last fall...so this is good news!
5. We are now on Champ-VA medical insurance, so no more paying $600 for health insurance like we have been doing since Rodney lost his job in June. This is going to be a huge savings for us. I am not sure about the coverage yet but we will figure it out.
I am done for now, it is late and after writing I realize how far we have come but it may not lead us where we had all planned. We are still waiting to see where we will end up...same as we have for years now. It is exhausting! I look forward to the day we feel more in charge of our own lives!

Send good thoughts that Rod's appt. goes well tomorrow.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Spring Break in Florida 2010

2010-04-08T18:24:00.001-05:00

This picture slideshow made with Smilebox

Trying to

Keep Imagining!
Tracy

One month to go......Stop the Procrastination!

2010-04-05T23:44:00.005-05:00

I am on the downhill slide to finish my 2nd semester of Grad school. May 5th I will be one year into a three year program. I should be feeling good about where I am standing at this point, I mean I have proven I can do it. Why do I feel like I could just let it all go and screw it up? I have learned so much and really enjoy the interaction with the instructors and the other students. I start my practicum next fall, which means This is my ticket to so many changes in my life and to prove I am still capable to accomplish what I need to, even other parts of life stay stressful.

I have two classes-Research & Behavior Theory. I am doing ok in both, but better in the Theory class. I have missed the Research class so many times, and attendance doesn't count towards our grade. I am having a harder time grasping this class and add not going to class for being ill or whatever is not helping. I know this, I really do..and I have a project due that I am supposed to do with a group, some of my friends. I am letting them down as well as myself.I may end up doing a project and presentation by myself, I wouldn't blame them. I don't know if I can do a project on a subject I don't really understand...but I have to try. I don't want to get by I want to do my best...to be proud of myself and for my kids to be proud. I have to finish and do well enough to continue...it is all I really have. Why am I sabotaging myself?I feel like I cannot move, like I am even afraid to try. Procrastination is an understatement! I need to get up tomorrow and overcome whatever is holding me back...do my homework, face up to my group and figure out what I am doing for this project for April 19th. I need to be stubborn and do whatever it takes to get the work done for both classes. Ok...that is my confession for today...hopefully I can move forward and look back at this and know I fixed it!I know my depression is kicking in and physically I have had some stomach issues again as well as headaches. It is all tied to everything....I can't let this be the end of my dream.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

One step Foward-10 step back

2010-02-16T18:24:00.003-06:00

last week was stress and emotional time..many parts of the equation which includes get med boarded out, getting Social Security straightened out on the fact he is a 100 percent disable veteran according to the VA...plus dealing with our own frustrations of a system that doesn't care or most likely in my opinion just not functional. Believe me...I call out all the contacts I have and start bombarding them with our case. It takes it's toll on on everyday life, our own sanity and the ability to trust what other's tell us...we need it in writing, verbal isn't good enough anymore. I am worn down and tired but cannot give up...really thinking hard about the media but the state of Kansas has a way of turning it around that it is somehow our incompetence. UggHHHHHH! The fight continues but what i am finding out is that i know more now than many people in paid positions...kinds make you go HMMMMMM!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Back in the Swing of School

2010-02-01T13:07:00.003-06:00

Hi all-
Just a short post to let you know I am doing well, just busy with school along with our crazy life. This is my 2nd semester at KU in the Master's in Social Welfare program. It is challenging and at times I wonder is it worth it but I always quickly come to the conclusion that all things worth doing are work! My classes this semester are "Human Behavior Theory" and "Research". Sound pretty boring and dry huh? I have 2 really great instructors so hopefully that will help. That is one thing about this program..the instructors really do care! I have class this afternoon so I better get my homework done...always the procrastinator! Wish there was a cure for that..LOL!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Connection ...Army Spouse to Army Spouse.

2010-01-17T17:33:00.005-06:00

I wanted to share an email I received after a reader found my blog and read it. She then contacted me through email. It was awesome! The reasons I started this blog in October 2007 were many, but the main one being to connect with others in our situation. I was so desperate back then to share information and to gain knowledge.

I have really not been a faithful blogger for some time now. Couple reasons...one I felt like I was being censored by people who felt I was sharing too much, so I guess I gave in.Also I developed a trigger to my secondary PTSD, which was using the computer. I think that happened...sorry I analyze everything...since every since Rodney was deployed the Internet was my lifeline to what was happening over in Iraq as well as when he returned home after being wounded...it was my way of searching, and locating information. I became obsessed and would have anxiety attacks on a normal basis. I had to back away a little...so Facebook became my means of contact with my blogger friends. Ok I am way off subject...

Below is the email letter I received and then responded to. Now I remember why I Blog!

Dear Tracy,

I enjoyed reading your Blog, I found you as a follower of the "Wife of a Wounded Soldier" Blog.

A few days ago I felt compelled to start my own Blog. As the spouse of a combat veteran suffering from PTSD and TBI I realized the unique challenges I face on a daily basis.

I would be honored if you would read my new Blog “The Combat Veteran Spouse - Living in the Shadow of PTSD” I would love to know your thoughts.

http://combatvetspouse.blogspot.com/

The war in Iraq is churning out thousands of young men and women who are returning home changed forever. For those that live with them, the transformation in their loved one can be overwhelming. There is no handbook accompanying the returning veteran, and if there was it would read “Dear spouse……you are now the proud recipient of returning veteran whose mind, body and soul have been changed forever. Forget what you knew about them before they were deployed….oh, and good luck finding a support group near you that deals exclusively in the trials and challenges you are about to face!”

Thank you so much for your time....and please feel free to share this link with others.
Warmest Regards,
D</em>

My response:
Dear D,
I appreciate you contacting as well as reading my blog. I do not keep it as updated as much as I feel I should, but I am thankful it is there when I need it. It was a lifesaver when I needed one within the vast sea of the unknown and craziness of dealing with our "new" normal. I made many great blog friends over the last 2 plus years, who I still keep in touch with through facebook and email. I hope your blog is as therapeutic to you as mine has been to me.

I did go to your blog and read your latest entry. It hit me hard, as I read about the different medications your spouse takes. (We have our list on the fridge just in case we have to grab it for a trip to the ER.) Then I read about the self-medicating with alcohol. That is where I went into my own secondary PTSD mode and most likely why I don't read blogs like I used to. Your situation though is so familiar. You see my husband spent almost 3 months inpatient at the VA for substance abuse, coping and all the other stuff he needed to deal with emotionally. He was diagnosed as bi-polar. He came home a week prior to Christmas and it has been different, I guess I can even say better. It took a long time to get him to this point. Over the last year that was the 2nd time for treatment.. I am hopeful but not stupid. The thing is now I can truly see the extent of the TBI and PTSD which was being masked by the alcohol and over use of his prescription drugs. If he could have controlled the alcohol I wouldn't have been opposed to him using it-he has been through hell. The deal is that due to the alcohol on top of everything else he had gotten 2 DUI's, lost his license, lost his job of 13 years (he is national guard),had major court costs we couldn't afford, was constantly lying, had started acting out and having inappropriate behavior at our son's sporting activities. There was also the anger issues and chaos within our home. So as you can see your post hit me hard.

This was stuff that happened over time but it got to the point I couldn't deal anymore. I am grateful for our time apart and for his recovery. We have a relationship where I am his wife, friend as well as caregiver but I respect him and understand him more now. I don't feel bitter or look for ways to get out of the craziness of the marriage. I had an attitude 180, for that I am thankful.

Thanks for letting me share-I probably should have blogged something like that..LOL. Maybe I will use it. It took strength to reach out to me and I am here if you need an ear.

As you said the military doesn't tell us how to do what we do. The way I have found to find the resources and information is to search like crazy, ask a lot of questions and develop relationships with other wife's with wounded warriors. The Wounded Warrior project and the site www.notalone.com has been to of the best organizations I have found. So I guess what I am saying sharing information and our stories is what we CAN do!

I will follow your blog and feel free to comment or email anytime. As far as your blog goes there is not right or wrong, just write what feels right. Readers will find you. Use the tags at the bottom of each blog entry. Comment on other's blogs. Best of Luck!
Tracy

So I hope you all check out D's blog and keep coming back to mine, your support is so appreciated.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

It’s your job to educate civilians on military life

2010-01-14T17:49:00.001-06:00
It’s your job to educate civilians on military life

It is my job...I hope you take the time to read a contemplate, even if your don't think it affects you. 5 years ago I believed that to. Remember those that served in Vietnam, Korea. WWII and WWI...they fought and came home damaged we just didn't understand it. Now we can!
Thanks

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Moments 2009

2010-01-11T23:50:00.000-06:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Women...I can't figure them out???

2009-12-29T13:36:00.003-06:00
UGH!!!!! *&^$#*&^!@*+"? (cursing!!!)

I have been feeling like I am back in High School lately. I did it once and that was more than enough. The experience of dealing with girls/ladies/grown women can be challenging and very confusing to me. Seems weird since I am one of them???

I recently became part of a crazy weird situation and now feel ostrasized for a reason I am not sure of. I don't think I did anything but I apprently pissed them off in some way or I am not possibly good enough to be their friend (yeah right).

After everything that has happened in my family's world in the last three years these were the people who were supposed to understand and be there to support each other. It is so insane, but I can't get it out of my head. I want to know what has happened and if it is a misunderstanding straighten it out and if not know where I stand so I can be there in my own defense. It is so disheartening. Women can be so petty and mean!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas 2009 ...is over!

2009-12-27T23:51:00.007-06:00

I cannot believe that Christmas has come and gone for another year BUT....I am so thrilled it is!!!

Actually I did not enjoy the time leading up to Christmas at all this year. I just never got into the spirit of the season. I waited until the week of to shop, didn't put up the tree and decorations until 2 days prior to Christmas, and saved the wrapping until Christmas Eve. I kept waiting to feel like singing "Jingle Bells" or to get excited about seeing my kids opening their gifts I had shopped for.
I do so miss the days when we counted down the days, the kids wrote multiple lists to Santa and I shopped for the perfect gift to hear them squeal on Christmas morning. We have our traditions and the kids still want to take part in some of them but I just had to force myself to do it all. I did enjoy Christmas Eve with my family at my mom's house and Christmas was enjoyable, but nothing like I would have liked it to be. The best events of the holiday was seeing my nephew Ethan who flew in from San Diego (he moves there in August) and seeing Connor open up his footie jammies I thought he would hate and freak out about, but no he absolutly was over-joyed!

I have many theories as to why I didn't "catch the holiday fever"...

1.) Rodney was in the VA for 2 1/2 months getting PTSD and dealing with some emotional demons from the war. It was the best place for him, but I was very lonely and overwhelmed with dealing with everything. The idea of Christmas on top of it all was more than I could really deal with?? He didn't come home until the 18th, then I had help but I felt rushed. It was good to have a partner though and he actually did more shopping with me this year than anytime in the last 13 years!

2.) My kids don't really need anything nor did I or Rodney. The lists I did get were shocking at first since they were so specific. I felt like no matter what I would disapoint one of them. They seemed so ungrateful and I sure didn't expect any squeals. I felt like a failure as a mom-how did I raise these children who didn't seem to understand the true reason for the season and were more concerned about what they were getting as opposed to giving. Taylor did surprise me by buying gifts for each of us with her full-time job money. The traditions we kept like the opening of the ornaments and P.J.'s Christmas Eve...but they totally forgot about putting baby Jesus in the nativity scene and singing Happy Birthday Jesus.

3.)So maybe since the last couple years we haven't been involved in church. I know I need that and Rodney had that in the VA so I will work on that in 2010. Whether the kids think they need it as teens and young adults-I am not sure , but I think if we are to bring God back into our everyday life....it will help...it has to!

4.) I am so tired of living in this place..this duplex...where all the bad memories exist. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a roof over my head...I am-We just need a bigger place for the 5 of us. We need a place for the kids to have friends over, we need a place for Rodney to be able to do his crafts and have a place to de-compress. His dr. said he needs that to stay in a good place, and I want that for him, I want that for our family, so we can move on.

Which I quess all adds up to me just wanting to get on with life, for my family to work together and get counseling so not only will Rodney heal we will as well...
I personally have made personal changes losing weight, getting healthier and going back to school. My hope for next year's holidays I want a family who is happy and in a better place physically and emotionally, THEN I will be singing "Jingle Bells"...over and over!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Film About A Family of a Warrior

2009-11-10T13:01:00.002-06:00

This movie hasn't come out yet...but when it does I want to be first in line!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Alive Day

2009-10-12T09:32:00.004-05:00
Two years ago at this time I began this blog. I was still so entrenched in being the "wife of a wounded soldier". I was trying to decide how I should feel about the one year anniversary of Rodney being wounded. It was a very difficult, emotional and confusing time. We were dealing with the what's, the whys and the who's of the military process.

Where are we today 2 years later on now what we know to be called his "Alive Day"? Not so stuck in the everyday bureaucracy..either because we are further down the road or just tired of dealing with something you can't move any faster than even if you try. I am much more cynical that is for sure. I am letting go of the victim associated with being the "wife of a wounded" soldier-because I have to so I can move forward...live again. I will always have had this experience and wouldn't be pursuing a master's in Social Welfare if we hadn't gone through hell and back.
The process of making sure our family gets the benefits we are entitled to continues. We are waiting on the permanent and total rating from the VA-so I can have assistance with money for school (that would help tremendously!) ....but we still wait. The other is shocking to most people....as of today Rodney has still not been released from the Kansas National Guard even though he hasn't done anything like drill since he returned home...He started the med board process which entails meeting with more/different doctors to say he is unfit for duty. This process could take up to a year when he is actually done...he has one more appointment he has to attend but it hasn't been scheduled. Once he is rated by the army (VA and Military ratings are completely different in case you didn't know that-all your tax dollars hard at work!!!)
We hope to have free health insurance for our family for life but who know??
See the cynical is coming out...sorry ;(
So are there any big "Alive Day" celebrations today...that answer is no. It is like any other ordinary day except for the fact that three years later Rodney is inpatient and most likely will be for a while our lives at home are less chaotic, we are without him again. He is not off fighting insurgents but instead battling the demons left over by war and working on things in his head that should have been addressed 3 years ago,but they take care of the physical first (I was told that at Fort Gordon after he was wounded). I am sad, but also so numb. Our family is in shambles.
Maybe it just took this amount of time to get to this place....I don't have the answers. I wish someone did, but they don't. We are not the only families in turmoil because of our situation....there are countless others. We aren't on the 5 o'clock news ...we are just dealing the best we can. Someday maybe the world will notice, but for now the world doesn't want to hear about it. So as a social worker I have my job cut out for me....job security???

The good news is....I am doing better, going to school, feeling more confident-more like the me I wasn't sure still existed, I have lost some of the baggage I was carrying-30 lbs of it and I am reaching out to friends. I am living life again!! I am still the wife of a wounded soldier, but I am not wearing it like a huge sign, it is just a part of me, not the total of who I am!

SO to Rodney...."Happy Alive Day"! It is a miracle and something worth remembering and celebrating. Sorry we can't be together to do it. Keep fighting and putting the pieces together on your end.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My Life as a MSW Student

2009-10-11T23:23:00.002-05:00
Hello to everyone..
I am busy getting used to going to school after a 23 year hiatus. It is actually all very interesting and gets my intellectual juices flowing. I have gone in with 3 years of advocacy experience with the military...etc.... and I am learning everyday I have made the right decision. I love my instructors, my classmates come from so may different backgrounds and points in their lives and the material...well it may be overwhelming at times but in the end it all works out. I have many projects due in the next 2 months. I am trying not to freak out too much...taking it a little at a time and I guess I work better under pressure. Undergrad was easier but I also didn't have a family, so that might explain some of the procrastinating.

The projects I have coming up include a paper about any social agency of my choice. I hope to do it on Parents as Teachers, which is a program I had the pleasure of getting to take part in when my kids were little. I also have a big group project on a homeless population. Our group has chosen Foster Kids Aging Out. It is very confusing especially being a group deal..I still have faith we will figure it all out! I am also doing an project with advocacy interviewing a congressman about some veteran & families of veterans. So that is a few of them...so far no tests..but the writing of paper's isn't something I am real confident about..we have to write in APA format??? So as you can tell I am excited but still in the adjustment stage. I am trying to work it all into the crazy life I already live...and you know what I like myself more every day!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Stepping Outside the Normal

2009-08-25T21:05:00.004-05:00
Last evening a monumantal event occured in my life. Nothing with balloons or fireworks, just me walking into a classroom full of other students and taking a seat. I STARTED GRAD SCHOOL! I was anxious and actually a few minutes late due to traffic but I made it and I am so excited for this experience. Studying to get my Master's in Social Welfare feels so right! I am so sure about something for the first time in a long time. The challenge of school and knowing I will someday be a part of the change in something I am passionate about... makes me smile. One of those hu ge SMILES that probably make others wonder what I have been up to :) I am looking forward to getting to know my fellow students and instructors. This is good! This something I own..the military can't take away or complicate. When I am there I am not defined by what has happened to me but can allow my life experiences to assist me in my studies and expand on and share.
Can you tell I am EXCITED?? So this new part of my life is a great new normal! I can't wait to see what is next...
PS Since May I have lost 25 pounds...feeling better everyday and loving moving down sizes. A lot more to go but taking it slow and learning to eat healthy.
I hope all of you out there are doing well...I am working on getting back into blogging-so much has happened both good and bad....but I will save that for another day.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sharing Feedback

2009-06-02T15:46:00.007-05:00
My husband Rodney received this from a person who was a teacher in our high school up until a few years ago. He has kept in contact with Rodney over the years. He sent it to Rod after listening to my podcast on NotAlone. He is a very kind man, and it made me especially proud that someone who had been my English teacher so many years ago was impressed with what I had to say! It is nice to be acknowledged...wanted to share :)

"I listened to the whole thing. I am heartbroken for what you deal with daily. I am so impressed with Tracy. She is an incredible woman and a valiant fighter for you. There has never been any doubt that you are the love of her life. And, there is nothing she won't do or sacrifice for you. You are so blessed to have her. She is truly your gift from God."

Also one of his fellow soldiers who worked along side him during his 15 months on med hold. She also made me feel what I have been doing and continue to do is the right thing to do! She wrote the following...

"how powerful is that! I feel guilty now for giving up on my ex husband. However, wow, i listened and it had me in tears and swallowing hard. VERY GOOD way to get this out and she will CHANGE THE SYSTEM. It might not happen tomorrow. You will both change it. Maybe not completely; the more your voices are heard, the more power you have to make changes. I bet you are proud of her for making that blog and this recordings!"

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

In Audio...

2009-04-28T13:45:00.007-05:00
I wanted to let you know I checked out the http://www.notalone.com/ site last night and our story in my own words (with a lot of editing on their part..thank goodness...so not alot of ummms in between words). Rodney and I listened to it together last night. It sounds ok..so now you will know what my voice sounds like...weird to me! :) As the storyteller of our journey, I pray it will help some other spouse or family.

The entire site is amazing but to listen to our journey in words go to Battling the System for Your Warrior

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

PS I was accepted to the Master's program for social welfare starting in August 2009..My first step to being in the system to help families of wounded warriors as a social worker!

A Letter to My Dad...Kenneth Wayne Curtis

2009-04-24T00:06:00.003-05:00

Hi Dad-

It has been a long time since I last saw you, since we hugged and you kissed me, since I heard you say "I love you and everything will be alright Trace". How could today be 6 years since you left this world??

I sometimes forget for a split second that you aren't a phone call away. I would love to know that if I got into my car and drove for 5 hours that I could find you fishing on the lake in the pontoon boat you were going to buy , but never got the chance. I miss Arkansas..but without you there or Grandma & Grandpa , I don't have any connection, it is just a place.

I miss you beyond comprehension. Lisa and I talk about you and that helps. We have memories and we make each other laugh remembering, I know that makes you happy looking down upon us. You loved to laugh and tell stories..I miss that the very most. I watch the tape sometimes of you down by the low water bridge by Ponca just to hear your voice. I am so thankful to have that tape. You , Connor and I had so much fun that day.

You would be proud of my kids..your grandkids. They are growing up despite me as you would have said and some days I am not sure I am doing this parenting thing right..the letting go is hard!

They all remind me of you in their own ways. Taylor is an adventurer like you were and she gets asked like you did if she has any oriental heritage..it is those almond shaped eyes! She is living in Oklahoma, trying so hard to make a life for herself. She will be 20 years old next month. She was so brave and composed at your funeral dad..only 13 years old and singing a song to bring comfort to all of us. "I Can Only Imagine" is the song and it bring me joy and sometimes overwhelming sadness but it is the inspiration for the tattoo I have in your memory. Bet you never thought I would do the tattoo thing-I remember you panther on your arm and asking you questions about it as I grew up.

Our Carley is now 16 and so smart, mature and kind hearted. She still keeps the picture in her room of you and her together from the day you moved from Kansas back to Arkansas. That little pig-tailed girl is now a beautiful young lady with a wicked sense of humor! I think you and her would most definitely enjoy each other's company! She is still a talker, which I know is all due to you :)

Connor was only 5 when you passed away but he still remembers you, I am so grateful for that. He is 5 ft. 6 inches now...I know that is taller that you were and he isn't even 12 yet. He is all boy, playing soccer and baseball and anything else involving running, jumping etc.. He is a handsome guy but I have to say of all my kids reminds me the most of me at his age in appearance...long legged and skinny! I wish you and him could've been buddies, but I do keep you alive by talking about you to him and he does ask. He would love to have something of yours but that hasn't happened.

Things with Sheri and Sharon haven't worked out dad. I hope that doesn't disappoint you too much. I just couldn't play the games I had played for 30 plus years. I hope Sharon comes around someday and allows me and the kids to have reminders of you for sentimental value, but it isn't necessary for me to remember you..I have my memories and no one can take them.

I often wonder what my life would be like if you were still a phone call or drive away..would the last almost 3 years of dealing with Rodney's deployment and then being wounded have been easier because I had you around...I will never know. That makes me sad but I then realize I can still talk to you and you do know what is going on, even if I can't touch you or hear you. So keep watching over me Daddy! I am trying to be strong and get through-I just wish I could hear one more time "it will all work out Trace".

I love you and miss you everyday...until we see each other again...I will Keep Imagining!

Love you always

your daughter
Tracy Lynne Curtis

Telling Our Story

2009-03-25T11:37:00.003-05:00
I am getting the most awesome opportunity today to share our story about our Priceless Journey (if you haven't read our story from the beginning go back to Oct. 2007 archives). I will have two hours to talk about deployment, when Rodney was wounded and the real heart of the story which followed up until this very minute. I feel blessed to be given the avenue in which to share on a site called notalone.com. This is a place on the Internet where I can go to listen to other's stories, read and share on the forum, and learn what has worked in their situations. The chance to be able to be in the company of others who have made similar journeys is a priceless gift in it's self. I have been searching for so long...now I know I am not alone.

I will share with you all when you can hear my feed on the site.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

AWOL

2009-03-14T02:04:00.003-05:00
HI to all you in Blogland..
I thought I needed to check in...I am still here just a lot of STUFF going on-I have so much to catch up on telling as well as seeing what you all have been up to.
I have recently discovered the world of FACEBOOK! So you can find me on there Tracy Curtis Price.
I promise I will update soon my friends..I don't promise anything very often so I don't take promising lightly. BE BACK SOON!!!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Want to SMILE?

2009-02-11T18:43:00.011-06:00
Who doesn't want to SMILE??? This video was sent to me and it made me smile, laugh and brought tears to my eyes. The shear JOY was evident-I know it is mostly choreographed but I am a sucker for DANCE! I danced on a team in high school, loved dancing at clubs etc.. back in my younger days!

I enjoy the dance shows on TV immensely. I loved watching my girls dance especially Taylor who expressed herself through movement for 15 years (pray every night she will do so again).

I have come to understand with much soul searching it is one of the activities in my life thus far that has brought me happiness, fulfilment and pure joy!

I need to find a way to incorporate that into my life now. Again....any ideas???

I hope you smile! (and Dance!)

Good Dr. News!

2009-01-26T19:24:00.003-06:00
Dr. Doesn't think at this point it is skin cancer but instead SHINGLES! I am on a med. I have to take 5x a day-he explained but I am still a little confused of the why, how and what...so you nurses out there please explain?? It is only one small spot and it itches at times-it did start out looking like a blister a couple weeks ago. My weird news for the day..
Been a actually pretty crappy day...Taylor moved today to OK, it is to frickin COLD and dreary and I am just feeling BLAH and lonely! Hope it is just for today-I had been doing really well mood wise and keeping busy and motivated.
See what Tuesday brings! For now I am going to go get in my warm jammies, watch tv and snuggle with my baby Beau!

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers! Always appreciated...

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Off to see the DR

2009-01-26T15:06:00.002-06:00
Short post...I am off to my dr. appt.-I have a suspicious spot on my chest. Got to have it looked at. I have had skin cancer removed from 2 other areas 3x-first time when I was 30.
(chin and nose). It was basal cell carcinoma and not life threatening but still had to be taken off/out. Praying this is something different-not cancer of course. Too much sun worshipping.
Pray it all works out ok!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sisterly Love

2009-01-22T12:26:00.009-06:00

Carley and her boyfriend Chris broke up the other night. She has slept with me the last 2 nights-she is heartbroken. She is 16 and this is her first time to know this kind of pain most of us have experienced at least once in our life. It hurts-physically and emotionally. She keeps telling me she wants the pain to go away-all I can do is tell her it will...give her hugs...reassure her she will come out of this a stronger, smarter person. I even sent her her balloons and CHOCOLATE at school.

She will be fine-I know that even if she doesn't know it yet. She is young but she is also very loyal and loves with all her heart. There is nothing wrong with that... but teenage relationships do run their course and are fleeting most of the time. Doesn't do any good to tell her this now-but she will figure it out...maybe with the help of her big sister...

In October my oldest daughter, Taylor and her fiance broke up. She had a horrific few weeks where I was her lifeline. I held her and was there to help her through a horrible time in her life.

Taylor is doing better and healing

Last night I watched through my own tears as Taylor sat next to Carley on the floor pulled her to her in an embrace, stroked her hair and soothed her with her words of experienced knowledge. It was endearing to witness and made me so proud of both of them. I have often wondered if they would ever be close like they were when they were little girls, if they would grow up and be best friends like me and my sister are-last night I watched as they shared their moment and I am reassured.

Taylor knows so well what the searing pain in her little sister's heart feels like, she remembers not being able to eat, she can recall the feeling of hopelessness and the thousands of tears. Taylor told Carley so many of the same things I told to her a few short months ago. Through her own life lesson she was able to reach out, show compassion and try to make it better for her sister.

I witnessed my girl's, my daughter's sharing sisterly love...nothing can beat that.

*added note-Connor loves his sister's too-he is obviously loyal and a male-his response was to want to beat Chris up. I had to smile and say that won't be necessary just give Carley a hug!:)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Where was I today?

2009-01-20T20:40:00.007-06:00

Today was an Historical Day for our great country! It is one of those day's where other's will ask in the future where were you, did you see the swearing in ceremony for President Barack Obama? I am happy to say I was able to watch the inauguration ceremony for this 44th President, who is the new hope for this nation. A very exciting time during a time when our country is struggling, but the future doesn't look so bleak now as far as I am concerned. I have hope for change and change is needed and is good!!

Lots of change happening in my personal life these days-change is tough & painful it is also empowering and something that has to happen for growth to occur. so as I said before...CHANGE IS GOOD!

So where was I??? Well we know I was watching the festivities-no I wasn't there..I wish!! I was sitting in the dentist chair!!!! For those who have been reading my blog for a while you might recall how much I detest going to the dentist!! I do hate it and my dentist, whom is very kind and gentle, know it! I had to have another crown done-uggh! The bad part was getting my mouth numb enough to work on my tooth..that's how I got to see so much on TV (which they have in every patient room-very cool!) Up and down I went-with a total of 7 yes seven shots!!!
I was so numb I couldn't feel my entire mouth, but the job is done for today. I was brave :) and I got to watch something historical with the hygienist and the dentist.

but I will remember this day not for the pain of the dentist-but for the future of our country and all it holds due to a new era that began today!

So where were you today??

PS-I just saw part of his speech at the Commander in Chief Ball-Thanks for mentioning the families Mr. President! HOOAH!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

We Have A Winner!

2009-01-16T23:52:00.002-06:00

Caption contest entry winner is...Jojo at Random Insanities!

Her caption to the photo of my son and daughter was ..."You Did WHAT With The Cat?"

Thanks to all who entered. Jojo I will be emailing you about your prize which is a $25.00 gift certificate to Amazon.com!! Enjoy it!

The real story behind the pic is this: The hat is Taylor's (she is and always has been a hat freak-though I have yet to see her wear this one!). Connor saw it in her car and took it out and took it upstairs-he thought it was cool and there was no reason why he couldn't use it without asking!!! Wrong!!! His sister was pretty peeved-so later I had them re-enact their confrontation with a little extra acting involved.
So that's the real story-nothing about a cat, but the fur sure does look like it could be from one.
I love the looks on both of their faces-true actors :)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Tag... I'm It!

2009-01-15T10:26:00.009-06:00

My friend Laura has tagged me-so I am it as they say. (I always loved the game of tag & hide and go seek when I was a kid! I can remember that feeling of adrenaline and the pure joy of running and finding the perfect hiding place in time!)

Anyway this is a little different..but also fun!

The tag says I need to go to the 4th folder on my computer photo files. Choose the 4th picture, then tell the story behind the photo.

The photo from above is actually one of my favorite pictures of my sister and me with our kids (pre-Connor days). The date is around 1994 and we are at the Lake of the Ozark's for a vacation at my sister and bro-in-law's cabin. We used to have such a great time all together there-swimming, boating, playing games, hanging out by the campfire and just being together.

The kids all played together so well and I know my girls have some of their fondest childhood memories from the "cabin". I think this was one of the first times we went after they bought it.

The girls were 2 and 5 and my nephews 4 and 7 (I think).

I look so young and skinny too-so I really love the picture :) So that my pic and my story.

Now it is your turn...I had to pick four people since 4 seems to be the theme but by all means play if you want to..
Brandy
Amy
Jojo
Amber

Here are the rules:Go to the fourth folder on your computer where you store photos. Select your fourth picture (no exceptions)Post the picture with a story and a link to the person who tagged you tag 4 people to do the same.
Let me know if you played!!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My First Caption Contest-Has been extended!!!

2009-01-13T01:45:00.004-06:00
UPDATE: I hope for all of you who have left a caption suggestion so far don't mind too much if I extend the contest deadline until Friday at 10 p.m.!!!

Yes a contest on my blog....why you ask???? Why Not??? plus life is way too serious and complicated and busy right now I wanted to blog but my mind wasn't cooperating..so let's do this...leave your caption suggestion for the pic in the comments...prize..OF COURSE!
I haven't come up with that one yet but there will be one-gift card to something cool-I promise!

So get creative people...you have until Thursday, January 15 at 10am! I will announce the winner-make me laugh PLEASE! (the pic was posed and cracks me up. I will share the story behind it after the contest)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Looking Back

2009-01-10T23:31:00.002-06:00
Better late than never..still on my sabbatical from blogging but I will be back soon and know I have some catching up to do..don't give up on me :)
Make a Smilebox scrapbook
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Missing in Action ???

2009-01-01T21:38:00.004-06:00
I am here...just been taking a break.
Mostly due to having my computer at the computer dr.-caught a really bad virus :( So getting it re-built so it should be like new without the cost of an actually "new" computer. Just praying all my data gets transferred over-my pictures and videos are safe on my external drive or I would be much more worried. My pictures are at the top of my list of most precious things!!!!

Using another computer so I can't post any Christmas or New Year's Pics-I will do that soon!!!

The break has been good I have been busy....we took down all the Christmas decor earlier than usual this year (I am doing a Big Happy Dance!!!). Took it down Tuesday-cleaned till I was sore ..why you ask? We finally got new Living room furniture!!!!!!!! Sofa, recliner, 2 tables and an area rug!!! I love it so much!!! Oh and I got a new TV given to me for Christmas...32 inch flat screen. Now you all know where I will be spending my time-LOL.

My next big project is getting the bedroom cleaned and organized before the computer techie delivers my computer next week-too much stuff (especially papers...) and not enough room.
I dislike clutter a LOT but somehow my room is swallowing me with all of my scrapbook stuff, computer stuff, paper that needs to be gone thru plus clothes in all sizes-my closet is packed and I still have nothing to wear???

Lets see what else...oh I went to my new counselor on Monday-loved him...seeing him again tomorrow to get all the basic info. out of the way, then start on the EMDR therapy. He did diagnose me with...PTSD! Finally validation!

Went to my regular dr. yesterday-had blood work done-looking at my cholesterol, liver enzymes and to see if I have RA. I have been having issues with my feet for months, now my hands cramping and my joints in my fingers swelling along with some other symptoms. Still unsure about the stomach issues-so probably will have to have that ultra sound on my gallbladder.

Some good and some unsure but I am going to try and be in the moment in 2009! as well as not be a rug for others to walk on...I haven't forgot about my list!!!

Happy New Year to you all-Make 2009 Fine!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Time Pics..

2008-12-22T11:09:00.008-06:00
We love the theater! Kiddos posing by sign in the snow and cold to make their momma happy!
Beau and his Santa Claus-Santa had a short life...Beau loved him so much he put a hole in him.
He now has a snowman-spoiled I know!

Can't Believe these are my babies...what happened to the time??? Connor is giving his "model cool look"...he is only 11 and taller than both of his sister's. I knew the day would come but it snuck up on me! They posed for me before leaving to see the "Christmas Carol" in the city the other night.

Message to self....
Christmas is When???
Yes, Tracy...Christmas is in less than 3 days..so get off your butt and wrap those gifts for those rotten, beautiful children!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Icky Sicky

2008-12-20T17:24:00.003-06:00
Well I certainly didn't plan on starting my first day after turning 45 years old really feeling like an old person-but I do believe I have a stomach virus! ICK! I have all the fun symptoms described on the the pepto-bismol commericals plus feel achy all over, my head is pounding and I wake up drenched in sweat, right now siting at the computer I am freezing!

So icky sicky me isn't getting anything done...like wrapping nothing under the tree except for the 3 gifts Connor bought when he went shopping with my mom today and then came home and wrapped them-they are for me,Taylor and Carley. Bless his little heart! He even hung the stockings today. I know he is so bored right now and mama ain't much fun being sick (I did play Scene It last night for a couple hours from the recliner).

I need to feel better soon-those gifts aren't going to get wrapped themselves, plus I still have a little shopping to do-one more Target run hopefully!

Carley left for her Dad's this afternoon for 4 days-she will get home Christmas eve. Miss her already! Taylor has been working and hanging with friends.

I will post about my b-day soon-it was a good day overall!

Off to take a shower and hopefully feel less icky!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Joy, my birthday and a new outlook!

2008-12-17T23:45:00.006-06:00

This is the two part kind folks! I had planned to post about my birthday which will be upon me in less than 5 minutes-so I will be 45 by the time I finish this post.

First Part:

I have tears in my eyes as I start this post-tears of happiness after reading all the comments about our Christmas tree. It is brings me such joy to hear someone say "You are doing good Tracy..keep it up!"

I will admit each day is a struggle-I cry, I get angry, I lose it for some simple little thing like I can't find something, I am lonely, I am stressed, confused and I am doing whatever it takes to get through the day.

I also have moments where I laugh, smile and am hopeful. I want each day to get easier-I know I have so much work ahead of me.

But... Tonight Taylor, Carley, Connor and I started a new holiday tradition-we went to the theater to see "Christmas Carol". I loved the show and our seats were perfect. The kids seem to have a good time also.I asked them if they wanted to try and make it a new tradition-all said yes! The play is of course well known and the story one of catching the Christmas spirit-not the receiving of material gifts but that of giving of ourselves, being joyful and happy, sharing time together. The holiday music was enchanting. I was in awe. It made my heart feel good to hear Connor say after the first act: "wow that went fast!"-to me that meant he was enjoying it! I felt very touched and moved by the message and energy of the performance. Maybe it was what I needed..to jump start me. Taylor even said it helped her feel more Christmas spirit. So worth it to do something with all three of my children and everyone to come away having a great experience. Tonight I felt like it was ok to be happy and love life. To have a little spring in my step and not feel weighed down with worry. To sit back and let life lead me.

2nd part: So now we move onto the birthday deal...It is official central time at 12:03 am-I am 45 and alive!

Someone once told me think of the alternative if you feel bad about getting older-LOL Guess that is true!

I really have never been a fan of my birthday-the December 18-one week before Christmas thing has always been difficult. Even as a child I remember having a Santa Claus cake for one of my b-day parties, sometimes it was even difficult to have parties since people had Christmas parties already planned. I had times where people combined my gifts for birthday and Christmas-that sucked! People wrapped my b-day gifts in Christmas paper-(not something anyone who really knows me dares do now!) I know any of you with Dec. birthdays or even early January know what I am talking about.

I grew to not have any real expectations for my birthday-I was always let down. When I was in college-I planned my own 19th and 20th birthday's-of course I had a lot of people to invite plus it was a time when any reason for a party was good! My ex-husband gave me a great 30th (semi-surprise) birthday party-it was memorable! I have always tried to make sure my kids birthdays are special-it is their day, Sometimes I even went overboard but I had my reasons and my kids do remember their b-day parties! Since the 30th it has become more about the aging thing! I have been so afraid of getting old-I let it happen just by worrying about it. So this year...many challenges ahead...

but..I want to be a 45 years old and learn to live my life again. Empower myself! Those are strong words-they mean so much to me. It is what I was telling Taylor when she was at her lowest point after her broken engagement. Gotta practice what I preach-baby girl opened my eyes!

I want to lose this darn weight (eat better and get on a workout schedule)-I want this so BAD! I want to not dread getting dressed or going shopping or looking in a mirror.

I want to take better care of this 45 year old body-get health issues taken care of-instead of avoiding the issues.

I want to get the counseling I need to heal, go to Alonon and get a better understanding of why I do what I do.

I want to find my passions again.....scrap booking, gardening, just re-discovering my inner creative self! Take a class maybe????

I want to find ways to make me feel accomplished and possibly do that by finding a way to help families of wounded soldiers.

I want to experience new things-push my limits-learn to live life now and not wait for it to start.

I want to re-connect with God-find a church family I feel supported by and that I can offer something to.

I want to be a good mom-if that means setting boundaries with my kids and being tougher then so be it.

They know I un-conditionally love them..I want them to be strong and make good choices. They are growing up-my role is changing with each of them. I want to keep working on having an open, healthy relationship with each of them.

I want to learn to forgive-let go of past hurts and move forward. Not saying forget but forgive-being angry eats at my soul.

I know that sounds like so much-it freaks me out-but I feel strong tonight, I feel hopeful, I feel I can make some changes and no matter what happens be OK! (please continue to remind me-I know on my bad days I will need to come back and read this)

So here is to 45.....BRING IT ON!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Look there is a Christmas Tree!

2008-12-17T01:58:00.011-06:00
A Variety of Tree Pics.......Enjoy!

I have some closeups of the special ornaments of the kids. They receive an ornament each year that signifies something from that particular year. Example on the tree you can notice a soccer guy ornament (probably more than one) for Connor, A graduation year one for Taylor and a ballerina from way back that is Carley's. They will get to take them with them when they move out of the house and have their own home-I hope they will always look back a remember what each one meant. This year I am giving Taylor an ornament that looks like a pair of flip-flops (she wears them except when it is really cold), Carley's is a driver's license ornament and Connor's is a soccer cleat with his soccer team's name on it.

Some of the pics are kinda funky lighting-was experimenting with my camera and thought they turned out interesting. Could I be getting creative??? That would be a good thing!

So enjoy our Oh Christmas Tree!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Playing Catch up

2008-12-15T23:41:00.003-06:00
I wanted to get on and say we made it back from Oklahoma intact! Norman was a busy place this weekend-lots of school spirit with OU just winning the big 12 and now Sam Bradford winning the Heisman!

It was such nice weather on Sat.-66 degrees!!! We looked at about 4 apartments-I think she has decided on one. I had to put my mom/real estate agent (I was one for 6 years) hats. Sometimes she didn't like to hear what I had to say-she is just so excited to move I don't think she is thinking too clearly. Then I remember being 19! I knew it all too. All I can do is pray all will work out for her, help where she will let me and (the hard part) let her make mistakes. I find myself even setting y boundaries more now with her. Not sure what the move date is or where she plans on going to cosmetology school??

Saturday night Taylor went to a "tacky" Christmas sweater party-she wore one of my sweaters-It has snowmen on it! I didn't think it was that bad! :) She had a good time and I spent time trying to relax-got to watch a flat screen and I was in control of the remote!

Busy week ahead...
I have a dr. appt. to have blood drawn tomorrow am to re-check my liver enzymes that were high as well as have my cholesterol checked since I had to go off the medication. I am still having tummy issues (problem is I was supposed to go have a ultra sound of my gallbladder and well..never did). I am horrible about taking care of me! I am going to try and be much more diligent about it. Have to take the car in for service (way past due!) and then I have my therapy appt. (YEAH!) I hope to get some final Christmas shopping done too! I did some while in OK-but most I did on-line. Last minute things or hard to find things-not into shopping this year either.

Taylor is done with her college classes, Carley has her high school finals this week and Connor's last day is the 18th. (My birthday is also the 18th-but that is going to be just another day I think) We are planning on going out to dinner-Red Lobster-seafood sounded good.
On the evening of the 17th (I am so excited!)-I am taking the kids to see the "Christmas Carol" at the Missouri Rep. Theater. First time for them-they all love theater so should be fun. I saw the production there many years ago. I hope it will make me "catch" the spirit of the season.
I am looking forward to Christmas eve service as well!

I need to get on and catch up on all your blogs. I don't think I will be sending Christmas Cards out but I might-so please send me your home
address by email just in case.
One last thing before I go to bed since tomorrow is a really full day and the weather is supposed to be crappy!

I heard through my sister Lisa that my half-sister, Sheri, who is 34 had a stroke Sat. and is in ICU. She lives in Arkansas with my step-mom. She has 4 kids-5-16 years old. two live with her and the older two live down the street from me. I am asking for prayers that she have a full recovery. I don't know many of the details as her and I are estranged. That sounds so weird for me to even say that. I can say there has been a lot of water under the bridge since my dad died 5 years ago. Sheri has many medical issues as well as emotional ones. I don't wish her any ill will I just can't have her in my life-it is too painful and she sucks the life out of me. Enough said-just say a prayer if you feel the desire too.

Thanks everyone.. I will update soon and post pics of the tree!
I need to start wrapping soon!!! UGH! Then there is the baking-me and the kids do usually enjoy the baking! I hope we get some time to do it this year-Christmas is coming quick!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Past

2008-12-12T01:24:00.008-06:00
Taylor Victoria's first Christmas-1989 age 7 months (she had been so sick for about 2 months)
Carley's first Christmas (age 1 month) with big sis Taylor (3 1/2)

Connor and his first visit with Santa-age 6 1/2 months (he cried right after this pic)

Connor and Carley with Santa-approx. 2000
age 3 age 7

Wanted to add these just to remind me why I breathe! Good memories!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Blog Friends are the Best!

2008-12-12T00:49:00.004-06:00
I have read each and every one of the comments left by my wise, supportive, and caring blog friends. I have actually read them more than once. I know everyone has fought their own battles and have current issues in their lives-so many of us deal with depression, health problems, family crisis, loneliness-That what makes it even that more amazing that you are willing to take the time to reach out to me as well as so many others. It is a community that has developed in the blogsphere-one where love, hugs, advice, prayers, tears and laughs are shared freely. I am so blessed and thankful for each and every one of you!

I am listening-I wanted to clarify that the EMDR is a therapy used for PTSD as well as anxiety. Something I have developed from the trauma and issues related to Rodney going to war and being wounded-then all the dealing with the bureaucracy-that being said I do think that my therapist will work with me on "finding" me again. I have also gotten out my Alonon books from the past (never really worked the program). I am considering starting to attend meetings. I need to be with others who have something in common as well as WORK the program-so I can better know how to heal and work on my "stuff".

That is a start! My sister is a great support to me-she has been through this and is one of the lucky ones whose husbands came out on the other side-he has been sober for 3 years know!
So when I describe a feeling-she knows to the letter what I am talking about. I have started to reach out to other friends as well-everyone seems to support the decision to have Rod leave. I know it was the right one. One thing is a common-we are all rooting for Rodney to work this out to get into recovery and be the best person he can be.

Change can only happen when something in the situation changes and breaks the cycle.
I broke the cycle-I still have hope with a lot of work "we" (Rodney and I) are still a possibility but right now I don't know and I have told him nothing is guaranteed. He wasn't happy with that but it is the way things are-he has his stuff to work on and me and the kids do to. We deserve better. I deserve to be loved better.
I have had people ask "Do you think this is his bottom?" my answer is this"I have no real idea-I do know it is my bottom-I have gone as low as I will go with him". Does that make sense?

The newest on him. He did lose his drivers license for a year. Not a good thing and he will have to deal with the consequences of that. He has signed the paperwork for diversion and is supposed to enter in-patient rehab at the VA. Not sure when, but it is a 13 week (not month-oops that would be really like a deployment) program.
Rodney needs this to save his life. We will see what happens after he gets out, until then I will continue to do what I need to do to heal, get healthy physically and emotionally and stay busy.

I did finish with the inside decorating today-can I hear a woot-woot!!!

Taylor and I leave for Oklahoma tomorrow afternoon. She is planning on making some changes in her life, The biggest being moving 5 hours away (she has friends who live near-by) and going to Cosmetology School instead of college. She needs a fresh start-she is 19 and can do that. Nothing holding her back. So we are going to go look at apartments for her and let me see the town-Norman she will be living in. Proud of her but I know I will miss her. She has come a long way in a couple months!

So I will give you more of the scoop on that when we get back-I am excited to get away and the hotel is super nice. Read, watch tv, order room service, Maybe even ....Christmas shop...I will try to enjoy :)
Connor (and Beau)is staying with my mom and step-dad (I am sure he will keep Grandma and Grandpa hopping Connor not Beau :)). Carley is with her dad and has big plans this weekend with friends. She can drive now so getting a ride to events is no longer an issue like it was sometimes before (her dad lives in the next town over).

Happy Weekends to all of you and thanks again for being there for me-I hope I do the same for you!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Desperately Seeking Me!

2008-12-10T23:27:00.006-06:00
I feel lost.

My mind and body feel as if they are moving in slow motion.

My emotions are raw and confused. I don't know how to express myself , all the words have been used up or have been said so many times before they have lost their definition.

I try to push past that layer that is keeping me from being who I want to be again. I don't really think I have any idea anymore. I have become someone who I don't recognize-body or soul.

Nothing is making any sense-the snow, the shopping, the Christmas music on the radio, decorating, .... My heart is broken -what is there to celebrate? I push past the thoughts and just do what I need to do. I never get it all done-never! I have a plan each day to accomplish-most of the time I fail to reach my goals. Why is everything so hard?

I know what depression is-this is different. This is being lonely,easily distracted, sad, dying to be loved like I need to be loved, needing to forgive myself and love myself once more-I guess I am grieving. For what I fought so hard for. Maybe.

I have hope that with time I will develop into a closer version of myself who finds happiness and contentment, a sense of accomplishment and confidence to live again no matter what happens outside myself. I am looking, seeking me-I hope I find her.

LOOKING FOR: The new improved Tracy who doesn't need to take on the world, fight everyone else's battles, who find her creative side again, the me who loves being loved and giving love, but can love herself even without it, the women who can find joy and breathe, someone who just lives each day without worrying if time is running out or waiting for the good times to come-hopefully with healing will come more self-awareness. I want to feel serene, I want to smile, I want to feel happy all the way to my toes-

I don't want to feel like the world can be ripped out from underneath me at any second. I don't want to feel like I need a person even when he has hurt me. What is that? I know something like co-dependency-maybe! Does it really need a name-it is what it is and so many of us have done it. Why? I can still love him and not live with him for now, but why do I still feel this need to connect with him? Why do I need him?
I get so mad at myself!

Probably sounds like a lot of rambling but that pretty much how my thought processes are working right now-I am calm but feel any second I could cry. Nights are the most difficult.

I am just going to keep putting one foot in front of another. I did finally find a counselor who does the type of therapy recommended to me. It is called EMDR. I have that glimmer of hope that it will help me deal with the anxiety-which will be a huge starting place. Let the healing begin and pray that I am open to it.

Thanks for sticking with me the support from my blog is sometimes what get me through the day.

I will try and post tomorrow about the little trip Taylor and I are taking this weekend!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Tree Blues, Grandpa and Darn Feelings!

2008-12-07T16:10:00.008-06:00

My Grandpa Deck and my Dad approx. 1941 (see more about this further down in post)

Added 8:09 p.m. You all are wonderful! We got it-Connor and Carley did-they amaze me! Connor my skinny muscle man-brought all the boxes and containers up from downstairs!!
Carley called Grandpa to come over to deal with the sparking pre-lit light situation since we sure don't need a fire. 2 of the 3 have put their special ornaments from over the years on the tree. (Taylor hasn't but she will). My living room is stacked with boxes, in an organized manner and I will get the rest done this week as I feel like it-PLEASE let me feel like it! I am trying, it is hard one minute and ok the next. I can't help remembering that....
Two years ago I was waiting for Rodney to get his orders to come home from Ft. Gordon, Georgia after being on med-hold there. He finally was able to come home for good on December 22, 2006, or at least I thought he was home for good. I had so many dreams for us and so many hopes. I don't get why we went through so much and ended up like this. But...We do have a tree up and most likely by Christmas will have the rest of the decor up and gifts wrapped and ready to be opened-I can do it for the kids.

*Special note: I forgot until a little while ago that today would have been my Grandpa Deck's 94th Birthday. He passed away in July 1989. Taylor was 6 weeks old. He had been very sick with complications from his diabetes. We believe he waited to meet his first great-granddaughter before passing since he died only a few days after meeting her. Miss you Grandpa-you were one of a kind and I know you would tell me about now how really tough I am. You made me realize that once along time ago when I was so afraid of a dust storm while visiting you in Arkansas. You took me out on the carport and held me tight as the wind howled and swirled around us-just to prove I would be ok and that there was nothing to be afraid of. I will try to remind myself of that more often. So Happy Birthday in Heaven-give Dad and Grandma a hug and I hope you are enjoying that special cake with the white divinity icing-that you weren't supposed to eat here but can in Heaven. :)

Is it Christmas if you don't have a tree up?
Looks like we might not be putting up the Christmas tree this year. Why? I am not the least bit mechanically inclined so I am useless in the putting it together stage. The kids tried and were arguing and getting frustrated with each other. I said it isn't worth it! They may work it out and get it figured out-and that is a great lesson for them to learn about working together. They really are good people!

Part of me is pissed at myself for not knowing how to do "everything" and that I really don't care too much about the whole decorating for Christmas "thang" this year but the majority is angry with Rodney for not being here-because he didn't take care of his problem a long time ago. This is the one way he has contributed efforts to decorate for Christmas-putting together the freaking tree! I know I can't have it both ways and I could ask for help-but I am so tired of asking for help!!!!
I mean the man was just here to pick-up his laundry and he didn't notice a big box in the middle of the living room??? He is so not emotionally invested in this family.

I am also very tired of having expectations, being angry and being lonely, and I want to feel the Christmas Spirit! I sound like such a whining brat right now-I need a hug! and a few prayers wouldn't hurt either.

I am really trying to keep God in my "conversations" going on in my head. I need him more than ever.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

It has a Good Beat...

2008-12-06T21:41:00.005-06:00
Some Christmas Music Please...
Makes me smile and feel like dancing! Ok I really did dance a long-but I promise I won't post that part. I love GAP ads-this is obviously the long version-note the Dixie Chicks!
I Saw this on Cassie's blog had to have it...Thanks Miss Cassie!
Visit her she is mui creative!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Cake Blog News Flash!!!

2008-12-05T23:42:00.005-06:00

The amazing creation that was Carley's 16th Birthday cake is now on the blog site of the cake designer-Carley just thought it was so cool when I showed it to her I had to share it with you all. I know most of you have previously seen her Glam Hollywood inspired cake but if you want to visit the OTHER BLOG that it is on please do-if you live in the KC area I highly recommend her cakes. They are very creative ( I have even seen cakes she has done of purses-yes purses-I was thinking that Hallie might be able to get her PRADA bag after all and eat it too-LOL) The cakes are all so original as well as yummy! I have a friend whose husband plays drums in a band who is contacting Sugar and Spice Confections to see what the can do for her husband birthday cake. I am sure Melissa will be able to whip something up!
I am so glad someone has this kind of talent-oh when I first talked to Melissa (the decorator/creator) I mentioned that we watch "Ace of Cakes" on the Food Network-She has actually went to Baltimore to take classes by him and his staff. I was impressed and sold at the same time.!
WE were very satisfied customers!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

We Are Doing OK!

2008-12-05T11:35:00.005-06:00
I wanted to get on here and update since I have had so many supportive comments and suggestions. It has made me feel loved and validated. Thank you! Rodney is still staying away dealing with hopefully what he needs to do. The kids and I are doing fine. We plan to start decorating tonight and finish throughout the weekend.
Connor is under the weather today with a fever and sore throat-so I am trying to give him that extra attention he needs. Carley has a birthday party to go to tonight for 2 of her friends. Taylor is going to the MU vs. OU game tomorrow. They are busy and I am just trying to listen to what my body as well as soul needs right now. I have plenty to keep me busy!

I still have hope for my marriage but I know I need to find myself again and spend some time on me. I am not perfect and have made many mistakes too-relationships are not easy, but alcohol makes thing so much more difficult. Yes, he has gotten worse since he has been home from Iraq and I know his wounds and the limitations they cause frustrate him but the last 6 months have been the worst for him emotionally. He has been on a downward spiral- almost self-destructing. I have watched it happen and know I couldn't have done anymore than I did for him. I just finally had to do something for me and the kids. I just need some peace to recover from all the chaos from the last 2 years coupled with living trying to be the advocate for Rodney as well as deal with never having the security I needed emotionally. So know I have taken a stand-I have to live with that and I know it will be a process. Confusing, sad, hurtful and a lot of hard work! I am still seeking that special therapist and it is unfortunate I have run into the snag of many not taking the insurance we have. I will find someone-I need it to be the right someone who can really help me find my way. Like a life coach who know how to deal with the facet of the situation most don't have and that is the military/anxiety/PTSD side of things. I have talked to many who do this type of therapy called EMDR-I am hopeful.

Thanks to all of my blog friends for sticking by me-it gives me strength!

PS how do you like my Holiday Blog look?? Still a work in progress but at least I have decorated something. Thanks to Amber for heading me in the direction to get the holiday back ground. It was so easy go to http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.blogspot.com/.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Name calling!

2008-12-04T13:28:00.004-06:00
Definition from Wikipedia of WHITE TRASH:
White trash is a pejorative term targeted at lower social class white people with poor prospects and/or low levels of education. To call someone white trash is to accuse a white person of being economically, educationally and/or culturally bankrupt. White trash should be differentiated from the more socially acceptable term Redneck, as each has a unique historical etymology and context in modern usage. While white trash is most commonly used as a pejorative, low- to middle-income rural whites often self-identify as rednecks.

Why in the world would I be posting starting out with a definition about White Trash???

Actually never thought I would, but when there has been words said insinuating to the fact that I am white trash I get a little curious as to what the exact definition is. Wouldn't you?
I have my own ideas-never would call someone that-it would be hurtful don't you think?
So I turn to wikipedia which never lets me down (unlike people who I thought actually cared about me and my kids)!-Do I sound bitter?? I think I might be just a tad??

I know I am being vague so lets just put it out there...comments appreciated!

I want to say upfront I respect my husband for being a soldier and for his sacrifices.
I have always stuck by his decision to serve and do what I had to do to keep this family going in his absence and after he was hurt. Did I fight for him? Hell yeah! I would do it again in the right circumstances. Thing is just because someone does something brave and has a purple heart doesn't give them privilege to treat others badly. So I am not trashing Rodney I am just trying to tell our story which includes some of the things below that just happen to be part of it.

12/03/2008 Last night was not a good night at my house but pretty par for the course as of late.
I haven't mentioned it because I felt it was my job to deal with and fix the situation.
Rodney has been having many issues including alcohol abuse-he has had a DUI in the last couple months. Said that was life changing-guess not enough to make him stop. He has been working with a friend of ours who is an attorney, but not to the point where he is actually fully communicating with her. He is supposed to be getting treatment-has stopped and started.
He decided to seek it through the VA and has talked about going inpatient. I believe that is what he needs but it is his choice-his deal. Well yesterday I get the mail and open it-it said he was losing his license to drive for a year?? I called him at work and of course none of it was his fault-so the old not owning up to his mistakes and taking care of them-Don't understand it and I am fed up with it! I am doing him no favors by allowing him to continue down this road of self-destruction and take me and the kids with him
So last night he is basically pissed off at the entire world-including making those of us that live with him MISERABLE and being abusive with his words. I warned him-he was acting out of control and too stop-I asked him to go to his mom and dad's, but he chose to belittle me for not having a job and taking child support from my ex for Carley. He then threatened me that if I called the police "I would be SORRY!" Sounds like a threat to me! They came and his mom and dad came and got him-he had been drinking according to the police officer.
Very dramatic and chaotic-but after he left the kids and I had a nice quiet evening-girls made dinner, we watched TV and Connor was a super well behaved kid.

So I guess I am pissed off that his family who are so blind to his problems and how very serious they are. This is really what did it!
I had a message that told me I had problems (first to admit it!! Getting help!!!) and told me what I did was a white trash thing to do. Yeah-well I don't think so-I think it was my way of helping myself and my children. I have been there through thick and thin with Rodney and I will continue to do so if he gets in recovery. Sorry if that makes me WHITE TRASH!

Oh by the way I do have a college education and I can and will get a job-but believe it or not I have things to work through because of this whole having a spouse go to war, get wounded and then being an advocate and caregiver. Without all the extra chaos I can probably find the time now.
What do you all think? Am I living off Rodney and acting like white trash or am I a wife who has been through hell and back trying to help someone who doesn't really want the help?
I want to know?? I am beside myself and pretty confused? Is it right that I have to constantly worry if he is making a decision that will impact our family in a negative way and possibly others if he hurts someone?

Not sure what to do next?? ( I am sure there will be repercussions to this post-but it had to be said I can't pretend all is rosy and wonderful-sorry!)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Holiday Greeting...

2008-12-03T00:47:00.008-06:00
A little something to help get my Christmas spirit going and a shout out to all my blog readers and friends. I wanted to do this for a contest but I think I was too late-so it turned out well and I needed to get the holiday creative juices flowing. So here it is my first official greeting for Christmas 2008!

a
Make a Smilebox postcard

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Just the Facts Ma'am

2008-12-02T15:07:00.009-06:00
If you remember these faces then you get my title??? They are from the show "Dragnet" from a long -long time ago when yes all we had was black and white TV-I just always liked that line when some lady was going on and on and one of the guys (don't know their names??) would say
"Just the facts Ma'am"-at least that is how I remember it. So on with the post...

Since actually tapping into what is going on here at the Price Household is a little overwhelming for me right now-I thought I would do something I was tagged to do a while back from Amber over at sgtsudswife's. (sorry it took me over a month to do it-yes I do believe I have joined the club of procrastinators-not like me usually) so onto the 7 weird, random facts about me. This may be real boring so you are pre-warned..

1.) I was born in Kansas, have lived in Kansas, went to college in Kansas-so been here my whole life! Not something I could see my self doing when I was getting out of High School and ready to take on the World....I am still wishing and hoping that someday I can move to Florida, Georgia or South Carolina. Warmer there you know!!!

2.) I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 22 years old and fresh out of college.
It was a very difficult and confusing time for me. Spending 4 1/2 years in college and then graduating my expectations were a little high and the real world hit me hard.

3.) I love the color PURPLE! It has been my favorite color since I was 8 or 9-started out that way because it was also Donny Osmond's favorite color and I LOVED him!

4.) My kids names Taylor-Carley-Connor James: The names were not chose for this reason but it is kinda funny how they all tie together. James Taylor and he was married to Carly Simon.
People actually have asked me if I did that all on purpose-no but I do love James Taylor's music!
So if you like... actually Taylor was a name I heard for the first time as the name of a pop singer named Taylor Dayne in the 1980's. Carley -yes I heard it first from Carly Simon. Like it better with the e and thought it was a cool way to honor my mom whose name is Carolyn. Connor was a name of a boy Taylor's age whom I coached in T-ball-I always said I loved the name. Rodney liked it because there was a character on the TV show "Highlander". I also knew it had been the name of Eric Clapton's 4 year old son that died in a tragic accident. So his name had many reasons..the James part is actually after his grandpa Jim, but Connor will always be my sweet baby James!

5.) My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. Both of them re-married within a year.
My sister Lisa (she is 2 years younger than me) and I gained 3 step-siblings and later a half-sister. My step-dad had 2 children, both older than me: Shane and Shannon. My step-monster had one child who was two when my dad and her met...her name also Shannon. So yes I have 2 step-sisters named SHANNON! My little sister Sheri was born when I was 10-to my dad and his wife.

6.) I am a Pepsi addict-plain and simple-I love me Pepsi! I can tell the difference between coke and Pepsi any day. Can't drink the diet stuff-even though I need to.

7.) I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life-most of it gained in the last 3 years.
I used to have the opposite problem in my early 20's-I couldn't gain weight for nothing.
I ate and did everything to put on weight. I think I was way to tiny-especially now that I look back at pictures from 1987 from my first wedding. 103 lbs.!!!! I know it is ridiculous! I am 5 ft. 6 inches tall-I had people coming up to me all the time telling me I was so skinny-it sucked-no one tells me I am fat or overweight. weird how that works!

So random facts about me. At least I blogged--YEAH ME!

( I would really like to lose about 50 lbs.!!!! but that is for another post)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Blog Block???

2008-11-28T23:21:00.002-06:00
Ever had Blog Block??? I don't know what else to call it??? Not feeling like anything is interesting enough to write about or share-or things are so crazy and messed up I wouldn't even know where to begin. Feel so unmotivated to do much of anything and like everything is out of control. Off to bed..I will see what tommorow brings.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Lazy Day

2008-11-26T12:53:00.005-06:00
We are just hanging out today...me and my girls. Watching TV and baking rolls to take to Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow at my mom's. Connor is at a friends and Rodney has a VA appt.
(More on where the VA situation later-not so bad yet but still a slow moving institution. Plus some situations coming to a head that have to be dealt with-wish it wasn't so but it is so we just do it!! I know I am being vague-I have to for now) I will say that I have hope in finding a therapist that offers techniques that deal with PTSD even in family members-I will know more next week.)

Last year on this day I wasn't in a good place at all and ended up missing Thanksgiving.
I am thankful to be able to celebrate with my family this year. I am looking forward to the turkey, rolls, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberries, pumpkin pie etc.......
not going to worry about my big fat butt tomorrow! LOL I do need to worry about that soon-I don't even recognize that woman in the mirror and not in a good way!
Rodney actually has to work (his holiday) but hopes to get away long enough to eat.

Friday we are supposed to hit the stores for "Black Friday"-not something I normally do but we are starting a new tradition with my mom, sister, me and the girls. I have no idea what I am shopping for yet?? I do really like those digital photo frames and would love a GPS. Oh..I am supposed to be buying for others :) We will go early and then I will come home and nap!!!

So Happy, Happy Thanksgiving to all-eat lots of turkey!
I am thankful and blessed!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

SURPRISE!

2008-11-24T12:57:00.003-06:00
OK ....now I can tell you all about my SECRET BIG project!!! (I haven't been able to check blogs or even update like I wanted to).

I have been so busy planning this huge 16th Hollywood style Surprise party for my daughter Carley-it was so much work getting all her friends invited via email, phone calls and word of mouth, since I was afraid she was some how see a paper invitation, getting the food, cake and decorations ordered, getting the fab location (an old theater they rent out our which was PERFECT), putting together a slide show to premier on the big screen starring Carley of course, coming up with party clothes for all the family, LYING to my daughter countless times to keep the party under wraps, planning reason we were all dressing up (going out to a fancy french restaurant-which we never do) and coming up with a DJ play list! I am exhausted!!! Surprising her was so much stress :) plus Carley is usually my side-kick when it comes to planning parties and events. I used to do this for a living-but I am a huge perfectionist and wanted things to go flawless. Everything went really well-small hurdles such as my panty hose running at the last minute (I hate hose and don't usually where them anymore-now I know why!!) Other than that everything went smoothly...

Thank goodness for all my helpers-my mom, Taylor and Connor especially! My sister and step-dad, Rodney and Carley's friends Chris, Danielle and Gabby. Thanks to all for keeping the secret-SHE WAS SURPRISED!!!!
It was all worth every minute and dollar spent just to see her face when she came in and walked the red carpet to see all her fans and then to have such a good time dancing and celebrating.
I hope she will forever remember her 16th Birthday WEEK as amazing! (It has seemed this blog is about Carley lately-promise it will move on to other topics :)

Enjoy the slide show! I am off to eat some leftover party food and take a big NAP!!!! :)

o
Make a Smilebox slideshow

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sixteen Candles to Celebrate

2008-11-19T11:51:00.016-06:00
"Sweet Sixteen"

Dear Carley Suzanne-

How is it possible you are 16 today? I see you in front of my eyes-this amazing young woman that I always knew you would be and I am proud that I get to be your mom. As proud as the day 16 years ago when you came into my life.The day you made Taylor a big sister!-I had my 2 girls!

You are my second born-my smallest baby-my youngest daughter-the middle child. You were the one who taught me I did have enough LOVE to go around. You came home and fit right into our family-surprising me by sleeping through the night on your first night home! (Always that overachiever-LOL!)

You of all my kids spent the most time in daycare (starting at 5 weeks until you went to school) while I worked so hard on my career-you thrived even though I felt I cheated you out of something, you just went with the flow, while smiling! You enjoyed the perks of my job-like being an elf in Santa's Workshop, Playing at the pool while I did my work there, going to all the concerts and special events like "Boo Bash".
We made it work.

You were only three when dad and I divorced, but you don't blame or feel unloved. You just loved more! Going back and forth from Mom's house to Dad's house-is just something you seem to do-not a big deal to you. You accepted the new people into your life like your "Rowney" as well as taking on the task of being a big sister at 4 1/2 when Connor was born with such joy! I can still see you standing by his cradle singing your made up songs to him and later doing whatever it took to make him laugh. not that you didn't take advantage of the big sis role...You had him play"Pretty, Pretty Princess" and marry your life size Barbie!

You have excelled at school from day one-I remember your kindergarten teacher telling me that she was sure that if she needed you to you could teach the class :) We fought hard and you were accepted into the "gifted" program-what a blessing for you to keep you challenged and watch you spread your wings. You became a "true bookworm"-devouring any book you could get your hands on! (still do-now we get to share books and you introduced me to the "Twilight"series when you discovered them last year-yes we have to see the movie!)

So many adventures...pageants watching you learn to be poised and confident, make new friends and learn so much about yourself (plus all the traveling including Florida to Nationals which included seeing and touching your first dolphin!).....Odyssey of the Mind and going to World competition in Colorado.....and then going on the band trip last spring to watch & hear you compete with the high school band in a real Symphony Hall as well as our extra time in Galveston! All of it as been special, because we did it together. I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

Our greatest challenge as a family came when we became a proud military family and watched "our soldier" go to a far off place to fight a war then come home wounded. I know it is something difficult for us all to deal with-since we had no idea how wounded it really made all of us in our own ways-You have been so brave even though I know you deal with your own "moments" that bring the pain back. You have been there for me Carls-I needed those hugs and an ear to listen.
Thank you for you love and patience!

I cherish all the memories we have as well as the special bond we share.
I love to watch you loving life as well as seeing you live you life true to your faith in God.
Your talents are many, your compassion is to honored and your ability to work so hard to succeed is beyond measure. I admire & respect the person you are and cannot imagine all life holds for you.

So on this 16th Birthday-I say to you my precious daughter......You are my inspiration for a life well lived! Happy, Happy Birthday my Sunshine-continue to smile and reach for your dreams-let nothing get in the way!

You know I love you-more than the moon, stars and PEPSI!

Your Madre

You Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Feeling Unpopular!!!

2008-11-16T13:32:00.003-06:00
Ok this may be silly and very high school but I feel very UNPOPULAR right now-It is like no one wants to sign my yearbook type feeling-I haven't had my regular commentors-Where are you ladies???

I also put up a deal to follow my blog-no followers-how sad!!! and depressing!!! and....Ok now I am whining (and begging!!!)

I need some love people!!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Presenting Little Red and Friends

2008-11-15T13:41:00.009-06:00
Thursday was the opening night of the GEHS production of "Into the Woods".
This was the first time I had ever seen the show on stage. Carley had shown me part of the version with famous actors that is on DVD, so I understood the premise of the show.
The H.S. cast, crew and directors did a fabulous job and it was a funny,entertaining evening.
(also my mom just called and said that Carley was pictured as "Little Red" in an article in the local newspaper!-too cool!-can't wait to get a copy)

Carley as "Little Red"-her first staring role in a musical. She did awesome!

I was in awe from the first time she walked on stage. She even had a solo.

I am so proud of this young women who works so hard and has such fun reaching for the stars.

Congratulations on a job well done portraying as the bratty but resourceful "Little Red"!

She stated in her bio for the program that she thanked her younger sibling (that would be Connor) for being her inspiration! She throws a really big fit on stage and screams very LOUD!
I thought the stage fit was hilarious-Connor wasn't so much in agreement. :)

With......The scary, WOLF! (Notice she does know how to defend herself)

With....the Old Man (kinda creepy and losing facial hair-LOL)

With.....The Witch (a very Pretty, Little Witch-who starts out the show as an UGLY witch-obviously she is an amazing actress!)

With .......Jack (yes the one famous for the Beanstalk)

With...Milky White the Cow (Yes Jack's Cow)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Happy Birthay to One Old Guy!

2008-11-13T13:57:00.004-06:00

Happy 45th Birthday Rodney! 2 years ago we got to celebrate your 43rd b-day-after God Blessed us by allowing you to be with us that day and many more days and years to come.

Love ya-

Your family

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Great Recipe

2008-11-11T14:23:00.002-06:00
My sister Lisa sent this to me-thought I would share. We could all use a new recipe of life advice once in awhile. I will try it-not sure how successful I will be but worth a try.

A GREAT RECIPE...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this ( )matter?'
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.
20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. you'll be smiling before you know it.

Trying to Keep Imagining
Tracy

A Good Veterans Day Video

2008-11-10T22:35:00.003-06:00
Click on the link below-this guy is amazing. What a HUGE Thank you to Veterans!
This gentleman gets it-it's not about the expense or the amount of money he spent on giving these wounded vets and spouses/companions an "at ease" from their daily struggles-yes struggles-something everyone might have, but for the wounded vet not the same thing in most cases-it is one of those only if you have been there experiences. These wounded vets go to their "job"-working for ALL the American citizens-get injured and have to fight the system to get their wounds physical and emotional taken care of. How many civilian jobs could treat their employees like that? In fact how many civilian jobs get Veteran's Day off?Bank, city and county jobs, fed. govt. jobs??? Is it a "holiday" they really think about why it exists?-my guess is the majority not. Sorry for sounding so angry-but I am. I am tired of feeling I have to keep my mouth shut and I can't have an opinion. I do have a very strong opinion about this particular topic-I have that right for a reason besides the obvious, the most significant one being I am a citizen of the United States of America. Free speech...Land of the Free...because of every solider, marine, air force member, coast guard and member of the navy. God Bless them all!
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hj5fMv-ztYo

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

It Boggles My Mind

2008-11-10T18:57:00.003-06:00
Edited for those of you that read my blog and don't like what I say but cannot leave comments-DON"T READ IT! This is my blog, my feelings and my experiences. I don't write half the crap I should or could. Don't like it don't read

I am so worked up tonight after Rod and I met with a "counselor"-I am using that term lightly in this case-. This was all supposed to be about Connor and getting him the help and working on him with coping skills-his issues that we feel have been put on the back burner way too long. This was the second appt.-1st time he met with Connor and I-but mostly spoke with me.

What a joke!!! This man hasn't a clue about dealing with the huge piece of the puzzle that is our reality-Rodney was deployed, went to war, was wounded, has been fighting the military for 2 years and that the kids and I were affected also. He actually handed me a brochure meant for any American kid at the Middle School age and how to talk to them about war and terrorism when it reaches close to home. I was offended-close to home-you try being in the same house day after day.

I don't understand why people in general don't get why we aren't like everyone else???
I am upset, frustrated and at a loss tonight. Tomorrow is Veteran's Day-remember to thank a VET-but also ask them what needs to change and how their needs and their families are being met. May sound cynical but is how I feel. All we want is to have people try to understand. Is that too much to ask of our fellow Americans? No special treatment-just true caring and concern. It would go a long way in my book. A vacation or retreat to be with other's of our "kind" would be fantastic but I am tired of searching and not having the right connections.
Heck the group that adopted us-if past experience from the last year shows anything they won't remember Rodney's b-day on the 13th or Carley's on the 19th. They wanted the dates last Christmas-we supplied them-we have felt very disappointed. Don't promise people especially kids who have been disappointed over and over again and not come through-hoping they will come through. We need to know-I need to know we matter as people and that what we have been through is justification for all our feelings.

I know most of you that comment on my blog do try and understand-I appreciate that.
When you talk to others remind them that Vets need more than a salute-they need people to care in whatever form that takes-not just for the first 2 weeks they are home.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Scary Morning of Soccer

2008-11-08T21:45:00.005-06:00

I experienced an event with one of my children I hope I never have to repeat in any shape or form. Connor had a late season outdoor soccer tournament. We had our first game of the day at 7am so it was a really early start to a Saturday. This is Rodney's weekend to work so I was playing my "soccer mom" role. I got Connor there dressed for the windy, 37 degree weather. My mother-in-law meet us there-her and I sat in our chairs with blankets, coats and gloves trying to watch this game-it was very miserable. Connor was playing really well, but like all the other boys was obviously very cold! I was concerned someone was going to pull a muscle since it was so frigid and there was really no way for these kiddos to stay warmed up. Connor played mid-fielder the first half-he had a few headers and was playing aggressively. The second half started and he was in the goal playing Goalie which is a position he has been playing on a regular basis this season. I was actually thankful since he was able to put on his hoodie sweatshirt-so he would be a little warmer. He was doing awesome and wasn't letting any balls through. Towards the end of the game we had a penalty called on one of our players so the opposing team had a penalty kick-which meant my son the goalie was ready to stop the ball being directly kicked towards him in the attempt for the other team to score. I remember thinking "Come on Connor save the ball but don't get pelted by it".

It was then things happened really fast and become a blur...Next thing I knew Connor was diving horizontally to stop the ball and actually did touch the ball, but a goal was scored. Connor was on the ground face down with his rump in the air-I thought he was being a "drama king" because he missed saving the ball, since he is very competitive. He isn't moving off the cold ground-I am not jumping up yet just thinking get up buddy it is too cold on the ground. I am not sure how long passed-(I learned a long time ago it isn't cool for mommy to go running onto the field saying my poor baby is hurt) a few minutes passed I guess-more people are around him. Then my mother-in-law , Gloria says "Tracy I think you better go see what is going on." So I went over and as I got closer I started to run-by the time I got to the goal area volunteer medical personnel (nurses) were accessing him and put him in a vice grip hold. They were covering him up with whatever blankets were available. He is shivering and tears are running down his face. I ask what happened-when he dove for the ball he slammed the left side of his head into the metal bar of the goal. He said he felt his neck snap back, he saw dots (stars) and he was nauseous. He said he couldn't feel his hands (that turned out to be because of the cold). I am saying as calmly as I can call 911-I want him boarded and checked out. Obviously they are all in agreement-those amazing ladies kept him calm and immobilized for over 15 minutes until the ambulance arrived and took over. I had called Gloria over and Connor's coach Eli was with us-we prayed over Connor which gave me the ability to feel peace that all was going to be ok. I rode in the front of the ambulance and when we got to the hospital he was well taken care of. I had called Rodney at work (he freaked a little), he called Taylor who was at home still in bed, I called Carley who was at her Dad's, Gloria called my father-in-law and I think I called my mom. We had a big support team at the hospital-this kid can never think he isn't loved!

Thankfully after x-rays and assessment by a ER doc it was concluded he had hit his head and most likely had a mild concussion and some pulled ligaments/muscles in his neck -kind of like whiplash injury. Scary stuff but no major injury-we are so thankful! Connor is a little bummed he can't participate in any physical activity for a week such as PE class and soccer (obviously!). He has been taken Advil and using cold packs/tomorrow it is heat packs. He seemed ok today-it was a challenge keeping him from being to rambunctious-he and a friend played video games after he took a short nap.

We are just keeping a close eye on him-he has pretty good goose egg on his head. It has been one of those days that lasts f o r e v er-but also one that brings prospective to how quickly life can change-I was pretty sure we had been through enough of those worrisome times with Rodney but life is always exciting isn't it?-even in ways we would rather it not be.

I am so blessed and thankful my son is safe and sleeping well tonight in his own bed. God is Good! A special thanks to all the kind people at the soccer fields (I have 2 blankets that belong to someone?), the nurses, the park ranger, Connor's coach Eli, the ambulance crew, the hospital staff, nurses and docs as well as my wonderful in-laws who went and picked up my car and my mom who bought Connor and I home.
oh..One more thing I never will say my son plays soccer because football is more dangerous!

Connor-mom loves you so much and I am so proud of how brave you were today!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

The Votes Are Counted-

2008-11-05T08:56:00.012-06:00

What I think...If you care :)

Today is a new day-the election results are in and we have a new president. No matter how we voted or if our chosen candidate won or lost we as a nation must move forward together. We have so many issues to resolve and there will be new ones coming down the pike but we are the United States of America-we have to stick together and support each other-the alternative is something that will only push us into being a country spending all our energy and resources fighting among ourselves. We are a country where freedom is taken for granted-we need to recognize how very lucky and blessed we are.

The color of a man's skin did not make a difference in this election nor should it have ever-I couldn't help wondering last night about the famous speech "I Have A Dream"-Martin Luther King must be so proud! This coming from a white girl in the mid-west who was born in the 1960's and always had such a difficult time even imagining the laws that treated people of color as unequals. My children do not even see the color of people's skin as a difference-that has to be a good thing.

We have changed. We are still changing. Our President elect is not only African-American he is Caucasian-he is bi-racial. That is how I see him-not black or white but a man who hopefully will serve our great nation and lead us into a new era of prosperity and peace. Remember though he is only human-it takes all of us to make a true change-from every person, family, church, community and on up-we have to be willing to do our part, we cannot just sit back and wait for him to mess up or succeed. We have to be a part of change.

Yesterday the people spoke-now the hard work begins!

*That was much longer a post than I ancipated and hopefully not too much of a speech on a soapbox.

*I am celebrating no more political ads-(no one can argue with that can they??)

God Bless the USA!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

TRICK OR TREAT???

2008-11-03T23:00:00.035-06:00

Connor's Halloween costume??? Not sure what he was other than a kid with a painted face. Rodney was in charge of Connor for Halloween since I went to the High School Football game. He ended up going to a party...so no CANDY!!! What the heck is that about??? After 20 years of trick or treating-it ended with no piles of candy on the floor and mom and dad trying out the pieces that might be tampered with-LOL. Guess we will have to buy our own next year??
Sorry no pictures available of Connor's UN-costume!See he was supposed to be a NERD-and would have made such a cute nerd boy! Note the glasses we bought and took out the lenses. Funny thing is this last week he finally was allowed to get contacts-so no more getting the glasses knocked off by the soccer ball in games-he is beyond thrilled. He has been so responsible about taking care of them which was a worry for me-so glad we waited but also glad he finally has them. Note the soccer picture above-NO GLASSES! plus the boy is getting SOOO tall and his voice is getting so deep-not my baby boy so much anymore.

Taylor went to my nephews Halloween Party on Sat.-her first time out since the BREAK UP!
She so deserved to have fun and she did. She is on the mend-one day at a time.
She was a beautiful and pretty darn hot go-go girl! (she has lost 20 lbs.since the break-up-not the diet recommended for all but it is a perk that has come out of something earth shattering.

Meet Bonnie and her Clyde...They look like the real deal only cuter. Isn't her costume the best! The dress and shoes she borrowed from her step-mom, the hat we bought at the mall-add some curls, jewelry, a purse with $ and a gun-like magic she is transformed into Bonnie Parker! Don't you Love Halloween! (they had their Halloween Party on Sat.)

The Friday night of Halloween was our hometown's High School Football last home game. We won 45 -0 and will be playing next week for the regional title.WOOhoo!

Taylor was having a very difficult day emotionally-she is doing well most days but it is a process and momma is hanging in there with her as long as she needs me too. Anyway..her and I went to the game to watch Carley perform in the band color guard. Taylor was able to spend sometime talking to her former dance team coaches (thank you Ashley and Alli!) as well as making some contact with old high school friends. I was so thrilled to see her smile!!!

The band did an awesome job. I didn't get any still pics but took video I will share later. The band did a 5th quarter light show that was so cool but not easy to photograph-just had to be there I guess?? I did get a pic of Carley and her BF Chris before they hit the field in the dark.

What is the heck is that picture doing here????

Can you guess what this is????

It is a YUMMY TREAT disguised as a TRICK!

I found this cake on a recipe site and just had to make it.(insert evil laugh)! I made it for my nephew Zach's Halloween Party on Saturday (which yes was actually after Halloween but the party fun carried over an extra day.

I heard from Taylor that everyone enjoyed my delicious, but disgusting cake.

I so enjoyed making it! Lots of work but worth it.

I didn't get to try it but my mom and sister were grossed out-YES!!!!

I hope you Halloween Weekend was fun, spooky and a little bit Gross :)

Keep Imagining
Tracy

ALL I HAVE TIME TO SAY TODAY...

2008-10-31T13:24:00.002-05:00

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Our Baby Boy's Birthday

2008-10-31T00:14:00.004-05:00
Yes-our furry baby just turned three! He hasn't seemed the least bit excited, but we were so here is my tribute to him for his 3rd birthday. Beauregard Duke did receive presents-a new food bowl and and some bones. He is a member of our family and he is spoiled rotten. He has a wardrobe of shirts, coats and costumes-never did I think we would own an inside dog much less dress him, but it is true he has a shirt for pretty much any occasion. We are sick I know-LOL!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Seeing the Big Picture

2008-10-23T14:22:00.004-05:00
First I want to thank all my blog friends that left me comments-it helped me remember I am only one person, I am human and there is so much that is underlying issues from the last 2 1/2 years. Things just got so out of control last night I couldn't see the "big picture".

I spent sometime today (actually a few hours) on the phone with different agencies to figure out where this journey goes now. I spoke with a nurse from the VA-Rodney needs more evaluation on possible brain injury from the blast-which would explain some of his actions of recent. The nurse also is getting us started on getting the primary dr. set up and getting us into counseling (an obvious need). I also spoke to another wounded soldier-he gave me insight into Rodney is feeling. I then spoke with a advocate from AW2 which hopefully help us with the process of what comes next with the Army/National Guard side. She is doing some research and talking to some people in DC to figure out what would be the best situation for Rodney as well as our family.

I think Rod is really having issue with leaving the army-not being a soldier anymore-losing his identity. I get that more today. Doesn't change the fact that last night was crazy but at least gives me an explanation of why things are going so out of control now.
We as a family have to deal with daily life which can be so stressful, but we still
have so much on top of the heap of the emotional fallout from trauma of what happened 2 years ago-forgetting that and not recognizing why things continue to occur in the emotional department is not working-we need to be aware and vigilant to heal. I sound so profound today:) Sounds so easy when I am not in chaos and really pissed :) but I am going to try!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Can anyone say DYSFUNCTIONAL?

2008-10-22T21:31:00.004-05:00
My family is falling apart...literally... tonight was like the freaking civil war in my house with children and parents choosing sides. Obviously Taylor has been struggling-add panic attacks to her daily life. Rodney and Connor are going at it like children (at least one of them is still a child!). Carley just gets feed up with all of us-lucky for her she gets a break from our crazy house to go visit her dad for 3 nights and deal with a different crazy. I am trying to help Taylor-trying to keep her calm. Connor came home from school with a stomach thing today so trying to mother him a little. Feeling my own issues with anxiety and working to keep the stress level on an even keel. Didn't work..
So this is what happened in a nut shell.. I am reaching out to my friend's that are also mom's to some of her high school friends-I go to the garage to have a private conversation with my friend Sherri since the TV was on and Rodney was doing his best impression of the peanut gallery (stop listening and trying to be a part of my phone conversations!. Rodney was obviously in one of his moods/places/PTSD tonight-he pushes until he pisses off someone-usually me or Connor. So I am in the garage-talking and listening because I need outlets for my frustration too. Then here comes Taylor-upset because Rodney and Connor are going at it with words. Not 5 minutes later Connor is in the garage-crying about something and Rodney is right behind him. I had to tell my friend I couldn't talk-and man was I one mad momma!
All the kids retreated downstairs to Taylor's room even Carley-so then it was Rod and I arguing about the same old shit. Long, Long story short....I cannot continue to do this!!!! My marriage is not anywhere close to what I think one should look like, my children have to deal with so much stress in this house and I don't know what to do. I am a mess and I am the one supposed to know what to do!!

I am on 3 different meds, I don't get out of the house most days (not sure why other than I feel safer here-makes no sense I know!),stress of any kind makes me physically sick (I am still having stomach issues and have an ultra-sound scheduled for tomorrow in the am to look at my gall bladder), There is so much more I can't even talk about-think we all need counseling??? I am afraid that is something that is to late-I know we need to heal but none of that is happening.
Nothing anyone can really do-but something is going to blow just not sure what.

We were the poster family for Dysfunction tonight! Everything is coming to a head!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Momma Can't Seem To Make It Better..

2008-10-21T22:33:00.008-05:00

MOM and her Girls...Carley, Taylor and me-April 2007-Florida Trip

Taylor and Me-In Happier Days-she was almost three. I was pregnant with Carley (barely) in this picture. Easter 1992.

I am at my wits end with knowing what to say or do for my broken hearted, depressed and just immobile daughter. I am so mad at myself for not feeling equipped to handle a 19 year old sobbing every couple hours. This make me feel helpless and so upset since I deal with depression myself and know what she is feeling. she is so overwhelmed she quit her job today-I am not sure if she will continue in college and finish the semester! I can't say or do the right thing. I lose my patience-I am a horrible mom! I try tough love-she digs her heels in. I try to get her to do small things like eat, take a shower or go on an errand-it is like pulling teeth.
I know why, I understand-but I so don't want this for her-this monster called depression-I have feared her entire life I would pass it on to her. Did I? What can I do for her-I should know what to do!!!

Her friends have deserted her-I have no idea why??? I am so mad at her Ex for giving her no real reason for changing his mind about the relationship-and he is just going on with his fun filled life with their friends. She doesn't understand what she did?? She told me Sunday she felt she needed to talk with someone-we set that up and she did see a therapist on Monday. She will continue to see her and most likely will be dealing with more than just her and Bryan's breakup( she will be faced with so much she never dealt with...her non-relationship with her dad for the last 6 years after he tried to force her to go with him for visitation and in the process caused her bodily harm (bruises, gashes and so much emotional pain), Rodney be deployed to Iraq and being wounded, my depression and anxiety issues, and all the crap she has let build up for so many years. She has never been one to talk about her feelings-that isn't such a good thing-she has stuffed a lot. I knew this and could see it-but couldn't make her deal. This was her breaking point-bless her heart, she is in so so much pain.

This isn't going to be as simple as I thought a couple weeks ago. I am praying so hard for me to know what to do and for her to know God hasn't abandoned her. I play her music to remind her God is there, I show her pictures of her happy before Bryan, I hug her and comfort her, I make her favorite food..what else can I do. I can't let her quit-I can't let her give up. I want my ambitious, laid back, smiling, dancing little girl back. Please send prayers!!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

VA Rating

2008-10-18T15:59:00.003-05:00
We got the word the other day that Rod's VA rating was decided on Oct. 15. The decision was a 100 percent disability. This is a temp rating but is retro active back to April. So there is a light at the end of the 2 year tunnel-allowing myself to feel hope. We got the paperwork yesterday so I guess it is real-it will be more real when we get a check!! Pretty sure this means the army will medically retire him now and let the VA deal with his medical issues. He will have to go in front of a med board for the Army to rate his disability through them. So still some waiting and some questions about the logistics of what will happen and when but like I said I am allowing myself to hope.. but not imagining too much yet other than paying off bills and not having the worry of if the craziness of military red tape will last
FOREVER! Not sure how the VA road will be, but we are ready for a different path for sure. I will post more about how they came to the 100 percent rating-kinda surprising and weird what they gave the highest ratings for.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

She's BACK......and you didn't even know she left!

2008-10-15T16:26:00.004-05:00

Say Bye-Bye to BRYAN! The above pic was taken in May 2007 for Taylor's Sr. prom of Tay and Bryan. Doesn't she look beautiful!! (don't look at him-he doesn't matter anymore!!!)

Well, Well, Well... I had not even had the chance to say "Taylor moved back in with Bryan last Friday", mainly because I wasn't thrilled with her decision. I was sad but I knew she would do what she thought was best for her, even though I told her to please think with her head and not her emotions. she had to do it on her own-well I just got woke up from my nap this afternoon and a very good dream I might add (I was dreaming about people and places from my college days-I will share another time-but lets just say I had my share of good times!)-

anyway back to Taylor...she woke me up and said I'm back for good.
I was a little dis-oriented. She wasn't weeping and crying just matter of fact.
He (Bryan, now the EX) wanted her to move back last week but then has been really distant from her since she went back. No one seems to know what is happening with Mr. Bryan (his sister, friends, parents). I haven't seen or spoken to him but I have my theory.I am not angry with him just disappointed big time in the person who has been a part of not only Tay's life but ours as well.

I asked her what her plans now for school next semester were and she said she didn't know-so I said you have a week to come up with a plan and tell me. I am happy she is home but sad she has to go through all she does but I do know she will survive. I have had break ups and a divorce and I survived. I told her I want her to live a fun filled life-she is 19-she deserves friends and fun. She will get there.
She needs to find herself again-go back to her passions-find new hobbies or activities that make her happy.

The bad side of this: Last night Connor laid his claim to Taylor's room downstairs.
This boy worked harder than I have ever seen him work. He moved furniture, cleaned, packed up Taylor's stuff. He took down her mini fridge from college and set it up.
He set up his video game systems. He was so proud-and I was proud of him.
Then sissy comes home today-he was so mad and disappointed at first. Taylor swayed him to her side now-she is taking him shopping for jeans. He is happy again!

so that is the end of today's episode of "OUR CRAZY WORLD SPINS" stayed tuned for
tomorrow's episode when I share the really good news-Rodney heard from the VA!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Stepping Back in Time

2008-10-14T22:59:00.036-05:00
Guess where I got to go Sunday??? I will give you a hint-I saw the king and queen, I stood very close to some scary looking pirates, there were musician, camels, elephants, knights, princesses, fairy's, mermaids, jousting and so much more.I was surrounded by people from another time and place and it was so much fun...and I didn't even have to leave Kansas City! the KC Rennissance Festival! The food was good too...turkey legs, beer,chicken strips and chips, beer, corn on the cob, apple dumplings, freshly made cinnamon almonds-mmmmm! (and yes I said beer twice!) It was a great Fall day to be outside. It felt good to go somewhere and not have to worry or think about "reality" for a few hours. If you ever get the chance to go-do it. They have been having this for years and I have been four times now. Connor would have loved it too-but he had a soccer game-next year.

Miss Carley and her BF Chris. He is in choir and she came along to watch and take pics for yearbook. My mom, Taylor and I came to enjoy the gorgeous weather and spend some time together. My mom had never been before so it was fun watching her see all there was to see. It can be a bit overwhelming. We did enjoy hearing the GEHS choir perform. Carley didn't have to use her ticket so i got in FREE!
The 1st show we saw came highly recommended-it was the Washin Wench's-very funny with a lot of audience participation-especially the men! We had to yell loud at times just so our side of the audience wouldn't get wet! Made us laugh so that can't be bad!

One of the 2 shows we watched was one featuring the "Jolly Rogers"-a Pirate Singing Group. I had heard of them before because one of the medics in Rodney's unit used to be a member of the group. They were very entertaining but the kind of humor you hope goes over the top of kids heads. LOL
The Huzzah and Cheers Parade
The Cast of Characters were all so much fun to watch (they are all volunteers who do this from Labor Day weekend to Columbus Day, every weekend rain or shine.

The Queen and King waving to their Royal subjects
My mom and Taylor enjoying time together
Taylor posing with the Blue Mime Man (this is a big deal for her since clowns etc.. freak her out!)
GEHS Choir Group Performing at the Festival
Carley Modeling Chris's Hat
Chris and Carley as Robin Hood and Maid Merriam
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

October 12th- Two Years Later

2008-10-12T00:38:00.013-05:00

An anniversary is today...2 years ago on October 12th in Mosul,Iraq my husband's FOB (Forward Operating Base) was attacked by insurgents when they fired multiple mortar rounds from various locations from out side the fence. My husband Spc. Rodney A. Price was wounded from a mortar blast that hit outside the door of the building he was standing in. I have heard that he was thrown 20 feet backwards when the blast came through the closed glass and metal door. He and three other soldiers were wounded from his unit. Other units from the Camp Marez also had wounded. Rodney was seriously wounded and was taken care of inside the command post where he was hit by many of his fellow 714th brothers while they continued to be under attack.
He received care from an the med-act who was dodging mortar fire to help the wounded.
He aspirated Rodney who had a collapsed lung that was filling up with blood. He had a wound to his left hip flexer that hit a major artery-and he would have bleed out had it not been for one brave soldier placing his knee and body weight on the wound to stop the bleeding.

This all happened at approx. 4:30 p.m. Iraq time which is 8 hours ahead of central standard time, so he was wounded about the time we were starting out day here in Kansas-8:30 am! I went through my day not knowing what had happened, just that I was feeling weird that day-can't really explain it-intuition?? I hadn't heard from Rodney for about 3 days, which was a little while longer than usual. I found out at 3am when Rodney's parents and sister came to our home to tell me.

Here we are 2 years later-still dealing!Some days I look back and think how can this all still be affecting our lives so strongly...still. It is all day to day-I had a dream last night I was in a mortar attack with Rodney somewhere. The brain is a complicated place full of processes that I don't even begin to understand. Why now do I have a dream such as that?

A year ago I started this blog-it has often been a life line for me. A place to go and share my feelings. A place I go and visit friends in other parts of the US and the world without ever leaving my room. To think 3 years ago I didn't even know what a BLOG was..Thank you on this anniversary day to all the readers and friends that leave "priceless" comments that make my day and help me get through the difficult ones.

I have included last years Oct. 11th post. My very first one!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Football Frenzy

2008-10-11T00:38:00.005-05:00
The football was a lot of fun! The school spirit was high and the stands were filled to capacity. We had Kansas City Fox 4 news, out since we won to have the game of the week-by only 50 votes! Close race!! We also had a couple different stations fly over with their helicopters. All this media attention is a huge deal for our fairly small community! It was our homecoming game so winning 49 to 3 was very cool! Our Football team is now 6-0. Pretty exciting stuff!

The band did their halftime "WICKED" show. The color guard wore their new uniforms for this special show. The band is now award winning and very much lived up to their reputation!

All in all it was a great way to spend a Friday night-earlier in the evening I was in charge of coordinating the pre-game band meal. We had a pasta dinner-yum! the kids loved it. we only have one home game left and that is Oct. 31st-Halloween. If we keep going like we are sub-state and state are definite possibilities.

Enjoy the slide show from the game tonight-not the best pictures but you will get a glimpse of the night.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Vote for our High School

2008-10-08T13:14:00.006-05:00

WE WON! OUR HIGH SCHOOL WILL BE FEATURED!
Thank you if you voted. This will be so exciting for the students and the community!
I will post after the game with photos as well as how we did. We better win!!
Go Blazers!

*Side-Note* The High school band participated in a marching competition yesterday.
The band won first place! The color-guard-which Carley is a member of- received a SUPERIOR rating!

Our local High School-the Gardner-Edgerton High School is having a amazing season-no loss yet and we have basically run over the competition every week. The team is up for the chance to have one of the Kansas City News stations come out and broadcast from the game Friday night.

So this is where I need you help. We are in the running against 2 other schools right now we are in second place. Can you post a vote for our team???
Yes you have to register once and can only vote once an hour but I would so much appreciate it as would the community and FB team.

So here is the link:

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Political Weigh In

2008-10-07T22:40:00.007-05:00
I have tried to keep my political views out of this blog for a few reasons, the most important being that I have never been a person that knew about or even followed politics. I love history but the political machine was something I found very complicated and to be honest ugly and unpleasant. The other main reason for not sharing my opinions now that I have some (yes I do now, but who couldn't in this campaign)-I was raised one way and that our family votes for this party-for that reason I never have claimed to be a democrat or republican (I know I am such a rebel!). My dad voted for Nixon back in the day and he never told my grandfather-they both took it to their graves. Weird I think! I do know I am an American and I do vote-it is my right as a citizen. I can have my own opinions and make my own choices-because I am an American! What I don't like to do is discuss my views with others especially if they think their chosen candidate or party in some cases-has all the answers and will basically debate you. I have a lot of issues with the down and dirty ads. I also have problems with people who say that candidate is this or that-where it sounds racist or picks on the candidates background as a child or young adult-to me that is a big turn off. I know I am probably going to piss some readers off-that is not my intention. I am just sharing how I feel and what I don't like about this whole election process.

So how am I going to decide who to vote for?? Educating myself-checking the voting records and the facts that both presidential candidates throw out. I have issues that are close to my heart this time around-such as wounded veteran issues and the treatment of returning soldiers. I care of course about the economy and how it is adversely affecting my family. I wonder will we ever be able to buy a home. I don't like when others come to me and state a fact that they have no idea how true it is or I am forwarded something that is more like a scare tactic to make one candidate look better than another. That is wrong-making an educated vote is something I will do otherwise I wonder if I should vote at all-to have clear consious and vote to the best of my knowledge-that is what I can do and what I will do. Sorry grandpa!

I have been reading books-I just finished John McCain's book-it was a good book that I enjoyed and gave me some insight to how he became to be who he is. I am also reading what I can about Obama. I have made no clear cut decision. I have watched the 1st presidential debate and the VP debate-I didn't watch the one tonight-but I will on the Internet.
The one thing I have done is go to the fact checker info. on tonight's debate. It is here if you would like to have a look., on MSNBC on fact checking for tonights debate. It is worth the time. Click here!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Owner of a Broken Heart

2008-10-06T23:27:00.004-05:00

Taylor the Dancer-circa 2007 (Her First Love-Dancing)

Today was so difficult for my baby girl-every time I told her I loved her or told her it would be ok-it just takes time-she sobbed. I told her how special she was and how sorry I was she was in such pain-she cried. She didn't want to do anything today-except watch TV. She didn't feel like eating but I took her to lunch anyway-she ate a little. I made her dinner-she ate a little.

My strong, confident daughter is so confused and doesn't understand why he broke off the engagement. I can remember feeling the way she does and it sucks-literally feels like your heart is going to explode. I did take her back to the dr. today. She was coughing and wheezing still. She was diagnosed with bronchitis. she is now on antibiotics and an inhaler. She stared running a fever again tonight. Taylor is having a really rough time. I have been there for her 100 percent today-I didn't go to Connor's vocal concert because I didn't want her to be alone. We watched "Dancing with the Stars"-she was just very quiet. She didn't go to class today and may not go to work because of the fever-but that is not like her. She has went to school and dance practice in High School when she was really ill. I am scared for her but trying to be patient. She just doesn't want to talk-she misses Bryan. She isn't sleeping well. Taylor is a mess-and she can be for awhile, but sooner or later she will have to learn to function again-to believe in herself again. She is not a person who talks about their feelings freely-sometimes it is really a chore to get her to tell you how she feels.

I am worried-besides the obvious, Taylor has been through a deal with her real dad that is complicated but in a nutshell she doesn't have a relationship with her father any longer and hasn't since she was 13 years old. Yes, for 6 years my ex-husband (dickhead)and father of my 2 girls has chosen for petty reasons not to have a relationship with his oldest daughter. So now he fiance/boyfriend of 3 years calls it off. I am worried-I am most of the time all she has.

Rodney and her aren't that close even though a lot of the time she calls him dad. She know he loves her-but it just isn't a relationship of parent and child. She was close to 8 years old when we married-she was old enough to remember when mom and dad were together. She is her momma's girl. I just want her to see how amazing she is and not focus on what the MEN in her life have chosen to do.Someone said she comes from a brave family-that is true-I have raised her and her sister to be women of character and to be true to themselves-easy at 11 but not so easy at 18 and 19 when faced with the real world-she will survive and come out on the other side stronger (I hope), for now she owns a broken heart. I pray God guides me in how to help or do what I am supposed to do to mend it or put a band aid on it. :)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Boys Suck! well at least one does!

2008-10-05T23:12:00.003-05:00
I mentioned the other day about Taylor and Bryan being engaged-hopefully I did not jinx it since tonight he broke up with her. She and her broken in a million pieces heart are downstairs trying to sleep in her room. I am hurting for her of course not sure what to say or do for her. She just returned from her trip tonight and he met her with the news that "they were going down different paths". This is the same guy who sat with me and talked to me for 2 hours about how ready he felt they were to get engaged and then married-before he asked her. I am so angry with him-but on the other hand I saw this coming I just expected it to be her breaking up with him since he wasn't trying to find a better job (he quit his good paying job right after they were engaged) nor was he willing to move closer to her college like was originally planned. He wasn't living up to his end of the bargain but it didn't happen that way. Instead he constantly calls her all weekend acting like a jealous child-then when she gets home he springs this on her. Like I said BOYS suck! at least for now-any ideas how to help my baby girl heal her heart and not go back to this jerk. Three years of her life-so thankful they didn't get married!

Again a really bad weekend!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

This is what BUMMED sounds like!

2008-10-05T11:48:00.003-05:00
I have had a really hard time this weekend-my mood is in the hole, I am worried about money (which who isn't at this time)so much I can't even bring myself to do the checkbook, and I just can't get a grip on being motivated to do anything-what a waste of a beautiful weekend-which I wouldn't really know because I never leave the house. What is wrong with me-I hate depression! Plus my kids are brats-the 2 younger ones at least (I love them to death but they are spoiled with a capital S!
and it is probably all my fault too.)
Sorry to be such a downer, normally I just push through it but feeling alone and sad-had to get it out.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My First Born: Baby Girl is born!

2008-10-02T23:39:00.005-05:00

I wrote some about what has been going on with my baby girl, Taylor, who is 19 and in her 2nd year of college. I felt I needed to share more about her, so I thought I would begin with my pregnancy and her birth.

Taylor was born when I was 25 years old. Her dad (Duane) and I had been married close to a year and a half. We were college sweethearts and met when I was a freshman and he was a year older. We dated more on than off for 5 years before we married. He was a teacher (still is) and had taken in job in our college town. When we married in 1987 I moved back to Emporia, where we made our first home. I was working as a para-educator when I found out I was pregnant with Taylor. I was ready to be a mom big time. I had a difficult time with morning sickness (or as I called it all day sickness!) with my first pregnancy. I was exhausted all the time. I can recall the first 3-4 months going to work and coming home and going to bed-waking only to eat dinner. I also had some trouble with early contractions in the last trimester. I was RH-I had neg. blood and Duane had positive. I had to take a couple shots-no big deal. Other than those couple things-oh and being totally paranoid about every weird feeling or twitch-all went smoothly with the pregnancy. We did not know from the sonograms if we were expecting a boy or girl. Taylor just never would give up the info.:) She kept those legs crossed just like a lady should!
I shopped all the time for this baby-still not knowing what the sex was. I decorated her room with a white crib, rocking chair and changing table. I had a friend that made all my bedding-the colors were peach and mint green and the theme was bunnies. Probably a good deal she was a little girl! I washed all her little outfits in DREFT. I gained a lot of weight-60 lbs.! I started out underweight so the dr. never said a word to me. Taylor was due on Mother's Day of 1989. Taylor didn't come on Mother's Day the 13th of May-but my mom, step-dad, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew all came down for the weekend-boy was I in a rotten mood when I got up that Sunday and had not went into labor. All everyone did all day was watch me for signs-I must have walked 2 miles that day.

Miss Taylor had other ideas-she finally arrived on May 19th at 3:00 am. (which happens to be my sister's birthday!). I was induced after going to my dr. appt. since when they did a stress test there was some indication the baby was under stress. I was in labor for 13 hours with no epidural, and I have made sure to tell my baby girl that countless times :)

Taylor Victoria arrived to our surprise with a full head of black hair, and goodness gracious was she screaming. She weighed 8 pounds 5 oz-when they laid her on my tummy I said "wow she is really heavy." She was perfect in every way and I remember holding her in my room when it was just her and me. I promised her I would do everything I could to make her world safe and happy, and that I would love her forever and always.

Taylor and I had the pleasure of having my mom (Grandma Carolyn) stay with us for a week. We found out right before Taylor was released she was jaundice. I freaked because the nurse made it sound like they would keep Taylor and send me home.
I was having difficulty with Taylor nursing-she liked the bottles they gave her at night (I learned and the other 2 never received a bottle in the hospital). So I was worried for a short time but we were released and sent home to start our lives-it has been a wonderful voyage ever since with my baby girl.

One of the most unique things about Taylor: Taylor's hair color changed within a couple months to deep auburn red (I hadn't even noticed-someone at a dr. appt. said "oh what a cute red-head". I was like where? Then I noticed he was talking to me-makes me wonder if I was overwhelmed or something-duh?)She did draw attention where ever we went and never lost any of her hair.She was wearing barrettes right fairly quickly-otherwise people thought she was a boy?. She had her first haircut at 6 months because the front of her hair was so long it was in her eyes without a barrette. Just so you know my other 2 were pretty close to bald-Taylor got the beautiful hair gene-and not from me.

Now many years later- She came over-3rd night in a row and I don't mind at all-actually I love it! (yes, she is feeling much better!)- she had her hair colored and cut today-her hair is that beautiful deep red again! I love it! Her hair has lightened to a strawberry blond over the years. She looks beautiful any way but I still like it when it is close to her original hair color!) That's my Baby Girl and I am her biggest fan! Ask her!
I will be saying my prayers tonight for her to have a safe drive to Oklahoma to visit a friend this weekend. This is her maiden voyage as a traveler by herself-it is a 4 hour drive. She is spreading those wings! Fly baby Fly!

I will share more about my Taylor next time-it is nice remembering since I am in a sort of mourning for her leaving the nest and if she reads this she may learn something I haven't told her.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Randomness About ?

2008-09-30T22:13:00.005-05:00

I have felt the call of the "blog" all day but I wasn't feeling what to write about. Still pretty uninspired..so I was thinking about an update of the random things that have been happening in our lives. Hopefully I will start to feel more motivated some time this week to write something a little more exciting but for now this is it.

* I really cannot believe September is over-tomorrow October begins I need to get out my fall decorations-which I love but it is not my favorite month since we are coming up on Oct. 12th-the anniversary of Rodney being wounded. I started my blog around this time last year-so that's a better anniversary to celebrate.

* I haven't talked much about Taylor over the last few months. Taylor and her boyfriend of 3 years (now her fiance) are engaged.They have been since August. Let's just say I have had more than a hard time accepting that fact because she is so young (19) and still in school. It has nothing to do with Bryan-I care for him and he is a great guy. I just don't feel they are ready-in other words I had my own ideas about what I thought her life should look like. I know that is probably in the not to do in the good parenting guide. I am supporting her in her decisions as best I can. She did make some decisions that I did not agree with pertaining to school. She decided to commute an hour each way to school in Topeka, 3 days a week instead of live there. I thought this stupid-point blank. The price of gas and the time she would spend driving to and from. I could not support it. I felt she was just using home as a hotel and wasn't helping out and wasn't taking responsibility for even her living space here. I basically told her-live at school or find some where else to live-you cannot imagine how it broke my heart-I was telling my baby girl she couldn't live at home. The amazing thing is that she has become a more responsible young woman-she bought a newer more gas efficient car on her own, works every day at a day care, goes to school MWF, and pays her own bills. She and her fiance are living with his sister and kids. She seems ok. She is learning how to manage her own life. I miss her so much sometimes but I know she has to do what she has to do-good or bad she has to make the mistakes and learn from them. She still does need her momma though...she is not feeling well at all right now. fever, body aches, cough and chills. She didn't go to work obviously so she called me to come get her and take care of her. I did and it was so nice-we love spending time together now. Not sure how things will work out with her and Bryan or when they will get married, but I do know SHE STILL NEEDS ME SOMETIMES! WOOOOOHOOO!

* Rodney signed the paperwork yesterday to apply to be put into a Wounded Warrior Transition Unit and be on active duty orders. This will mean he will get all the medical issues re-looked at and taken care of by the Army. Pray he is accepted.
It will mean he has to live at the Fort but it will mean he will receive the care he needs and deserves. We will deal with the distance-It won't be Iraq!

* I am the volunteer parent meal coordinator for the High School band. I organized a picnic for the band kids and families last Saturday. It turned out to be an awesome day and I think everyone had fun and there fill of food. Taylor was helping me (which was very cool). She said afterwards that she enjoyed seeing me in my element again. I don't think I have shared that I used to have a career I loved.
I worked for a Parks and Recreation department for 10 years. I did many special events right in the same park I did this BBQ/picnic. I did feel a little like me again. having something to concentrate on does help me not be so focused on all the military crap-can't be a bad thing!

* Carley is busy, busy busy! She has so much going on I hardly see her for more than an hour or so each evening. She is growing up too! She will be Sweet 16 in November. I wish I could afford to give her a big b-day bash but with the way the checkbook looks these days that isn't going to happen.

* Connor is going through a growth spurt. He is eating me out of house and home. He is only 11 and he is already 5 ft. 3 inches! He grew an inch over the last month!
Seriously he is as tall as Carley now! I measured them back to back on Labor day weekend and he was still shorter than her-not now! Connor is very skinny but all muscle-he has a six pack at his age. He has a giant foot too-size 7 1/2!
He is busy with soccer and will play year round now except during baseball season.
We need to keep him busy or he finds too much trouble-he is my challenging child-but he is also very funny and knows it. What is the deal with pre-teen boys and their body functions being so damn funny- especially around your mom and sister?

Well that was longer than I thought but still random.
Have a great Wednesday!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My Photo Mosaic-Want to try?

2008-09-26T15:52:00.009-05:00

I found this really cool deal to make a mosaic on flickr. Kinda fun-really fun for me since I LOVE to create!
How to Play: Instructions Here.

Answer these questions: Here are mine....
1.)Your First Name? Tracy
2.)Favorite Food? Mexican food
3.)Where you went to High School? Gardner, KS
4.)Favorite Color?Purple
5.)Celebrity Crush? Matthew
6.)Favorite Drink?Pepsi
7.)Dream Vacation? Tropical
8.)Fav Dessert? Chocolate Pie
9.)What you want to be when you grow up? Laughing and Loved
10.)What you love most in life? my family
11.)Word to describe yourself? Waiting
12.) Flickr sign in name (or I used favorite word)? imagine

Enjoy!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Song Brought It Back..

2008-09-25T15:18:00.008-05:00

I cried today-I cried like I did so many times while Rodney was deployed, when he was so far away from home, so far away from me. That time from June 6 until October 12,2006 is a part of my life in which I was sure my heart would break in two. Music was something I relied strongly on during this time-there are so many songs that I related to.Most of them sad songs about missing someone-which I was! I avoid those songs a lot now-but sometimes they play and catch me off guard-like today- I sobbed just like I would when he was deployed even though I loved the songs and in some ways the music was the only thing that comforted me. I am one of those people that recalls how old I was, where I was, what I was doing by the music that was playing on the radio. I heard one of the songs today: "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down.
It brought back those memories-and what do I remember...

I had no real idea how much I loved my husband until he was gone-and not a daily part of our family. I lived for phone calls, emails, cards & letters, instant messages-any kind of contact was what I lived for. I felt like a lost teenage girl again-in love but unable to be with the object of my affection. When we did see each other on leave and visits-it was incredible and so special.

My life during deployment turned into a chance for me to grow as a person-I cleaned, organized, decorated my house, learned a lot about Iraq on the Internet :), I was learning to be an army wife. I took much better care of myself because I wanted him to come home to me and be proud of me. I joined a gym, I got spray on tans, I bought new clothes and I got a tattoo. I thought of him constantly-care packages (which I loved putting together for him!)made videos and cd's for him, I wrote letter & emails, I took 2 trips to see him in Mississippi in 3 months. I was so focused on making our life the best when he finally returned home.

Weird now to look back-I was growing and I was so in love during a period where I worried, cried and waited-and waited. I had my kids(they were such a comfort and made me laugh when I needed to)-I had to keep going-I knew the deployment would be over-there was a ending to it even if 12-15 months felt like an eternity.
Now I am still waiting for my husband to return home-even though he lives here.
Thing is that those people (the deployment Rodney and Tracy) don't exist any longer-that makes me sad. We were good to each other and for each other.

So I actually now look back at deployment as a hard thing, but it was a time where I also had so much hope and I was still innocent and naive to the ways of the Army world. So even though I cry when a song plays it makes me remember how the heart did grow fonder when he was away. We can't forget..how much we missed each other.

We will make it through this and come out stronger on the other side. I have to believe that-maybe I need to find a song that helps me believe that.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Rodney Still Waiting

2008-09-24T18:42:00.003-05:00
Not anything to exciting happening with Rod, (he did go back again to his civilian job today after the hurricane assistance deployment),but since I hadn't mentioned it since the beginning of the month I thought I would give you all a short update. He went to his civilian primary dr. last week and had a full physical. The dr. filled out what is called a physician statement. It states all of his medical issues that are still present or that have gotten worse since being let off of medhold in March. The dr. had pretty much point blank say how each issue was a result of being wounded in action and/or service related. It was faxed to the State Surgeons office and will go to a board to see if they agree he needs to be put back on orders and all of the medical issues taken care of.This is all supposed to be expedited from here. We will see. I really hope so!!! We just want something positive to happen and get on down the road and know he will be taken care of for life and that financially he receive what is coming to him benefit wise. I know the economy more than stinks right now-for us it has especially during the last 2 years.

Rodney's Wounds Such as:
1. A hernia that is 3x time larger (located in the abdominal incision that was done in Iraq to save his life) and obviously needs to be surgically repaired.
The dr. told him not to do sit up or exercise that uses the stomach muscles. He is also supposed to be very cautious with lifting.

2. Chronic outer ear infections (they started after his return home and we have been told there is some sort of bacteria in the dirt in Iraq that can do funky things).

3.The PTSD(he has had several episodes in recent months during thunder storms).

4. Rehab on his legs-they hurt and bother him on a daily basis. Never properly rehabbed so still very weak muscles-and nerve damage around his knee where he cannot feel even a needle stick.

5. The bleeding heavily and bruising easily issue.

I think those are the major things-at least all I can think of for now. My memory isn't working at tip top shape these days. I am so tired of worrying about medical issues, going to dr. appt.s etc.. With getting old, the stress and his wounds it seems like that is our main topic of conversation is health!

Wonder when will I start talking about the weather all the time (remember that really cold Fall in 1995) and telling my kids about their cousin in Arkansas they met once, just like my Grandma used to do soon. LOL
I could do worse my Grandma was a fun and loving person that always made me laugh.
I would love to laugh-that would feel really good!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Following the Procedures...

2008-09-23T17:23:00.002-05:00
I cannot believe it is Tuesday already-things have been not so good around here-I had the procedures done last Friday.
I survived through the prep which is never a good time. Taylor was here bright and early Friday morning to escort her mama to the hospital. I wasn't worried-except for one certain detail-I wanted to be sure and go to sleep during the procedures because of last time..I did not want a repeat performance. Well...guess what..
It was so much worse. I remember every horrible, painful minute! Can you freaking believe it! They gave me everything sedation wise they could-and I remember. It was not pretty-I came out crying. No one even acknowledged that I was aware of what was going on. As far as the test results-the colonoscopy was clean but the endoscopy showed that I had some major inflammation going on, with what could be the start of some ulcers. Loverly! Stress and Pepsi apparently aren't the best coping skills used in everyday life! I knew my body was not dealing with the stress of the last year and a half-but now I know for sure.

But the story doesn't end there-oh no-it seems my dr. was a little rough with the colonoscopy (I remember)-I have been given several versions of why what happened to me happened but I really think I will not have another one! I have been in pain and running a fever until today.

I went to my primary dr. yesterday...well he ordered me in! He sent me over for a cat scan after finding no real bowel sounds and because my abdomen was super sensitive to touch.

5 hours later Rodney and I are finally on our way home-the results not as bad as we expected (not the Dr. expected)-I have inflammation in the upper part of my colon and my liver enzymes were elevated in my blood tests. Feeling better today but who would have thought it would take 4-5 days to recover from a routine procedure.

So lots of fluids and rest and see the dr. again next week.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Immediate Prayers Needed for Nephew

2008-09-20T11:26:00.006-05:00
UPDATE: 9/21/2008 Ethan is home with his parents doing much better. He was released after they did many tests. They think it was heat exhaustion and dehydration. He needs some rest and to follow up with his dr. here at home. He most likely won't be running for a while till his body recovers. Praying he will be able to return to the sport he loves.
Ethan and his family on H. S. Graduation Day

My nephew, Ethan, who is a freshman in college and on the cross country team collapsed this morning after running a race in Joplin, Mo. My sister and Brother-in-law were there. My sister rode in the ambulance with Ethan. He was having difficulty breathing and wasn't opening up his eyes to respond. He has a history of asthma. We don't know much at this point. Please pray that he will be ok!!!!
Thanks so much!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Big Plans for Tommorow

2008-09-18T20:43:00.006-05:00
I have big plans for Friday early am-but it is something no one looks forward to I am almost certain-the dreaded (drum roll) Colonoscopy! I will also have the privilege of having something stuck down my throat-an endoscopy. I have been having stomach and intestinal issues so they are just making sure everything is a ok. I also have some family history.

I have had one previously- it was not a pleasant experience. No worse than just the routine procedure-I didn't go to SLEEP! I was awake and aware of what was happening. This ain't happening tomorrow-I want to be knocked out-even if they have to hit me over the head with a hammer.

My Taylor is taking me-brave 19 year old taking care of her momma after she is all looped out on some good drugs (hopefully).

I have already done the prep which is a type of torture I am sure-trying to drowned me in Gatorade mixed with laxative-1 gallon in 2 hours-didn't look so hard until your realize just how much fluid that really is way too much! The good news is I am good and cleaned out-probably TMI but hey as we get older some of the bodily function thing we go through don't seem like such a huge deal.

I have read they are coming up with a better way to do this who deal-sooner better than later would be good

So if you could send up a few prayers for me in the am-much appreciated!
Oh and if you have family history of colon cancer or polyps-get tested, it is uncomfortable and a little embarrasing, but who cares your health is more important-right? Didn't some celebrity have one and broadcast it live-Katie Couric?

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Friday Night H. S. Football on Monday Night

2008-09-16T16:44:00.009-05:00

Band, FB players and Color Guard-the H. S. Football Game Experience

Carley with Color Guard performing school fight song

Carley riding her "Wicked" witch broom

Be prepared for a long story-Ready! Set! Hike!
Last Friday night was our high school's home opener and the community was geared up and ready to roll. Go Trailblazers!!!! I was excited to see Miss Carley perform in her first FB half-time show as a color guard member.

Yeah it had been raining and I was a little concerned but never in 30 years had a FB game been cancelled due to weather. So we were a go- I was there early in my band parent in charge of meals mode, making sure 130 band students were feed before they changed into their uniforms for the big half-time show featuring songs from the musical "Wicked" (this is an important part of the story to recall later :)

I had been conferring with parents all week via email and we were set-all my helpers in place, the sloppy Joe's, potato salad, veggies and dip, fruit plates, chip and cookies as well as drinks were ready to go-I was thrilled that I had pulled it all together on my first time doing the job. We have great band parents!

The kids were starting to fill up there plates and eat. Connor was with me, waiting for his dad to come pick him up-he was being his regular annoying 11 year old self.

Carley had drove home to get part of her color guard uniform and was stopping to get something to eat-because she is miss picky pants when it comes to what she eats-no really she is so, so, picky-so she wasn't back at the school yet. Rodney had just arrived.

Then things got a little exciting-people were yelling and saying go to the storm shelter, keep the kids orderly, keep them quiet-we can't hear that the tornado sirens are even going off in the school. I am thinking you have got to be kidding me! I don't know where Carley is, Rodney takes off to do his manly version of watching for twisters and Connor and I proceed downstairs to the stinky locker rooms with over 130 kids and parents while their food sat upstairs on the tables. It was annoying but for safety and all-we did what we needed to do. I just tried to breath through my mouth and manage an 11 year old who doesn't do standing in one place for very long well.

We got the all-clear and returned to the commons to finish serving food. I swear to you it wasn't 10 minutes later and we again had to take cover-the kids leaving there food behind again! This time was for a much longer period-we heard there were 4 tornado's that touched down in surrounding communities. Game was still on though-just postponed for a 1/2 hour. So we waited again..... finally we were able to go upstairs and finish getting the kids fed and start cleaning up.

We did really well on predicting how much food we would need-didn't have much left over. The band kids are back getting dressed. The color guard had on their makeup.
Everyone was ready to go. I was heading out the door to go home and change and pick up Rodney who had left with Connor earlier-when what to you think happened..
They cancelled the game! First time in 30 years-no due to rain, not due to snow but due to tornado's! I can't help but wonder if it was from the huge Hurricane Ike in the gulf-some of the bands reaching clear up to the Midwest.

Remember the "Wicked" reference-well it is loosely based on the Wizard of Oz but from the witches point of view-"Wizard of Oz"-tornado's-Kansas: We had it all-The weather changed many peoples plans on Friday night..but we made it up and did Monday Night Football instead and we won the game plus the half-time show was awesome.
So all is good! We don't have another home game until October 3rd-probably will snow!

Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Just thinking...

2008-09-14T16:38:00.008-05:00

The waves seen from a Galveston pier on a rainy day in March 2008 and waves hitting rocks on that same rough surf day
The Dolphin Statue that sits (still) by the seawall built in 1902 in Galveston

Rodney's unit returned today after leaving on Tuesday the 2nd to offer emergency assistance and management in Louisiana after Hurricane Gustav. Rodney did not go due to his ongoing medical status, but has worked rear-detachment at the armoury to assist in whatever the unit needed done from base. He has been doing all the paperwork and administrative work. He has been working 7 a week just like them so it was the kind of deployment that National Guard is supposed to do-help at home, in our country whenever needed. I don't understand why they didn't go from where they were over to help in Texas,but obviously it wasn't my call.

I have been following the devastation in Galveston and surrounding areas-I am taken aback by the destruction and havoc that is now the life's of residents that make their homes there. I am thankful that the death toll has been low.
I am so upset that I can't really do anything to help these people who will be in shelters indefinitely. There is nothing for these people to do but wait and all I can do is pray. I want so bad to do something-we don't have much but we have 3 beds that aren't being slept in-it makes me feel helpless.
I have looked for landmarks I recognize from Galveston or Surfside Beach (I have a park sticker on my vehicle for a year-don't think we will be visiting that beach anytime soon.)-there aren't many left-I did see the Dolphin statue. I know what the seawall looks like and I know how rough the waves are in that area even on a slightly stormy day.

I know what hurricanes can do-no I haven't lived through one-but a year after Katrina hit Mississippi and Louisiana-Rodney was training at Camp Shelby. On a visit over the 4th of July 2006-I saw what Gulfport, Mississippi looked like and I saw the devastation still in New Orleans. It breaks my heart-I love the ocean and it's beauty and mystery, I love the beach-the air,the wildlife,sand, sun,seashells-all of it,the Hurricanes make living on the Gulf and close to the shoreline-risky and unsafe every once in awhile-but it still doesn't stop my fascination for wanting to live there-I understand why the residents live where they do even though it doesn't make sense to so many.I grieve today for the people who are living thru this nightmare and I grieve for what can and won't be-rebuilt.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Galveston on my mind

2008-09-12T08:51:00.006-05:00

I have been watching the weather and I am very concerned about Hurricane Ike's path right into one of my favorite spots to visit. We spent this last spring break there and had a great, relaxing time with my mom and Carley. I had visited there many years previous as a college student-not that I remember too much about that particular visit other than there was a beach and they sold beer.:)
I have read a great deal about the 1900 Hurricane that killed 6000 and destroyed a lot of the city. There are some amazing old buildings there I cannot imagine never seeing again. Luckily there much more sophisticated weather prediction now so people are safer, but it doesn't change the destruction ability of the storm. They built the sea wall-but I wonder if it is tall enough. I love this city!
On MSN news they said that this is the storm the people of Galveston prayed would never happen. I pray most people in the area have taken the advice of evacuating. I just can't imagine what the Texas Gulf coast(including Houston and Corpus) will look like when this horrible storm is over. It just isn't getting the media attention that anything going towards Louisiana has. We even heard yesterday that Rodney's guard unit was heading back today-seems like they should be moving closer to where there is going to be more people in need in a few short hours.
Praying Ike will fizzle out...If you live in that area stay safe and I am thinking about you and your homes.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

How I Remember 9/11/2001

2008-09-11T12:05:00.010-05:00

In 2001 I was a real estate agent and a stay-at-home mom. My son Connor was 4 years old and he was home with me getting started with our day. He was watching cartoons on a cable channel and playing in the living room as I was getting dressed in the bedroom. The girls were both at their schools-Taylor was in 7th grade and Carley in 3rd. Rodney was working 3rd shift so he wasn't home from work yet. It was a normal day for us. That soon changed as it did the world. Time stood still that day as we watched in horror the unbelievable events happen one right after another.

I wasn't aware of anything going on until my mom called me-which she did when Columbine and the Oklahoma bombing happened as well. At this point we really didn't understand the magnitude of the situation so all I heard was a plane has hit the World Trade Center-I thought, how weird is that? I turned on the TV in the bedroom-and starting watching what had already unfolded. It was unfathomable, but at this point no one, even the news anchor was suggesting that this was a planned act of evil. A plane had hit one of the towers-I kept thinking how could this happen. Rodney came home shortly and had already heard on the radio what had occurred.

We sat together in the bedroom and watched- we watched... and as if in slow motion through live footage we see the shadow of another plane then it appears and flies right into the other tower. Our minds could not comprehend what had just happened-we started trying to figure out what could possibly be going on-but both realizing at the same time these acts were deliberate. But why??? I remembered that years prior while watching "Donahue" seeing people who worked in the World Trade Center coming on the show live talking about there being a bomb. I realized as did Rodney in a split second what had just happened on American soil, but we didn't have the mindset back then to know human beings were capable of such acts of destruction and indifference to so many lives lost for a cause or agenda in our country.

The news stations were all going crazy with reports-I sat and cried. I don't ever remember being so afraid and confused. I was so much in shock about the possible loss of lives, never imagining that the number would be so great. My heart was heavy knowing that there were innocent people on those planes and in those buildings that were so tall.So many people! So many questions about what would happen next- we watched it all, the people yelling out the windows, people jumping, the firefighters, EMS and police going into rescue lives, we saw each building collapse, we saw people running in the cloud of debris and dust, we saw the pentagon burning and the rescue efforts there, we followed the story of flight 93. We waited for the next strike to happen. Where would it be? So much was happening at the same time-which was the plan to cause fear,terror and confusion. We were glued to the TV-our country was under attack. I cried for my children and the world they were now living in-one more piece of innocence they knew was gone from the earth. I felt such a strong need to go and get the girls-I was in a panic that some how their schools were next. I wanted to protect them-to have all 3 of my babies with me, like it was the end of the world. I calmed down and rationally decided to leave them at school away from all the media coverage that was being shown over and over again. I put VHS Disney movie tapes in for Connor to protect him from from the horror as long as possible, but he does remember that day.

I tried to go about my day, but I was in a place where I couldn't make sense of any of it. Normal things like lunch and nap needed to happen. The phone rang and it was our vet.I was taken back by the idea someone was calling about something other than what we were seeing on TV. He was calling, doing his job. We had taken in my 14 year old cat a few days prior to be looked at-he had a mass on his neck. The vet was calling to tell me that my first baby-Spencer had cancer. I barely even recall speaking to the Dr. or asking questions-but as I listened to bad news it all seemed surreal to what was going on in the world around me. I was trying to act normal, but this wasn't normal.

Later when it was time to pick up the girls-I was so thankful. I went to Taylor's school first. She knew what had happened and they had actually allowed them to watch some of the coverage. She had questions and I tried to answer them-but no one knew really what had happened and why. We went to Carley's school and she of course had no idea.They had left that up to the parents to handle, which was a blessing.I could explain to her in a way she would understand but not be scared-I hoped. Then it became obvious even in our little town in Kansas, that people were freaked out. The gas stations had really long lines, the grocery store was super busy-it was crazy!There was the feel of panic in the air. I took the kids to the video store to pick out movies so they weren't bombarded all evening with the details and footage of what was happening and had happened.

The media coverage for me became an obsession-I followed the news late into the night and for many days to come. There were two things I had the hardest time wrapping my mind around-the fact that there wasn't anything recognizable from the buildings on the ground, nor were there many people being rescued nor were their bodies- most everything just evaporated and was gone. The other item was when they told us days later how long it would take to clean up the site-I don't remember the exact time frame, but it blew my mind. I still cannot fully understand the magnitude of what happened, I can't believe it is 7 years later, it still gives me a knot in my stomach and a sick feeling.
I didn't know anyone personally in the planes or in the buildings.I have read many books and articles. My heart goes out to those that did lose someone or more even than just a single person-some lost entire parts of their family.The grief must at times be unbearable. On the anniversary of this horrific tragedy,a day that will forever be etched in our history-I am sad for familiesand friends, I am mad for them... Their worlds changed beyond what I will ever hopefully know.

Mine changed with the loss of innocence,a different outlook on how quickly life can change, a new awareness of my surroundings,a new understanding of what is terrorism, a few inconveniences at the airport, the realization that something like this could happen anywhere at anytime, knowing war was something that my kids were going to know in their lifetime, that I was never going to see the NY skyline the way it should still be and that 9/11 was the day my husband started considering going back into the army. He did go in and was wounded in the war but when I look at it in perspective we are so blessed. Our loved one came home.

I just wanted to recognize this day-because we should never forget the lives lost nor the act of evil by terrorists. There were too many lives lost and too many lessons learned. For me there will always be the before 9/11 and after 9/11.

What were you doing that day 7 years ago?

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Girl in Red

2008-09-09T22:18:00.006-05:00
My child is spreading her thespian wings once again-Carley has a lead part in the Fall H. S. musical. She actually will have lines as well as be singing a ....solo! She will play "Little Red Riding Hood".
She almost didn't try out after not making the tennis team but she says I made her try out-well my making her how ever I did that got her a part she is so very excited about. The play is "Into the Woods" which I have never heard of nor seen. The director is new this year and has won awards directing this show previously. So I am looking forward to seeing it!

Actually when I found out over the phone while driving down the interstate-I screamed and said "good things can happen to our family". So I live for more exciting good things in the future.Please! I need some fun and good news!!!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Feelings

2008-09-08T13:08:00.003-05:00
Feeling many emotions all at the same time today-and it isn't the joyful, fun kind.
disheartened, sad, defeated, exhausted, betrayed, anxious, frustrated, angry, helpless, shocked, like I had the wind knocked out of me for the millionth time.
I am so tired of people in our lives not trying to understand, I am tired of waiting for our life to continue instead of be on pause, I am tired of putting my hope in a person who says they will help and they turn on us to save their own ass, I am tired of no one being held accountable for their actions, I am tired of people telling me to be patient that the system works slow-DUH!I am tired of being the cheerleader, I am tired of having no one to call nor knowing what to do or say if I am dealing with a PTSD moment (Rodney's or mine). I am tired of feeling like somehow our situation is our fault. I am tired of being treated like an irrational wife. I am just tired of being stressed.
I know we are blessed and we are lucky that Rodney is alive.
I just want our life back to before we were a family of a wounded warrior-I want to not think about working the system every morning and night. I want it to be over. I want to feel happy, I want to feel proud to be an army wife, I want to not feel like throwing in the towel.

TRYING to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Ready For Some SOCCER!

2008-09-07T13:14:00.007-05:00
Edit update: Connor's team tied their final game also. 0-0. So three ties for the tourney-better than losses!
Practicing before the game!
After Booting the Ball down field!
Connor playing GOALIE-ready for some action!

Fancy Footwork!
Soccer season is in full swing for Connor. This weekend he had a tournament (Prison Break Tournament held in Leavenworth-a play on words since there are 2 prisons in Leavenworth- :)-today they are playing their final game. I didn't go today just too much to catch up on and I am the person in charge of planning the meal for the H. S. band members (130) for the game this coming Friday night-I had to get on that. Rodney is on orders so he is home at night but has to work 7 days a week until this emergency hurricane assistance deployment is over.So thank goodness for Grandma/mam-mam-she took Connor as well as Carley and BF Chris to the game.
Anyway the Connor's Team tied both their games so they didn't have enough points to move up in the tourney. Those boys played their hearts out and obviously held the competition just didn't score those points to win. I can really see an improvement over last year. It was fun but a long drive each day-an hour there and an hour back.
Love to see my boo play his favorite sport! He had a Friend/team-mate spend the night last night so he has had a good weekend.

PS Keep my nephew Zach in your prayers had emergency surgery Friday night to have his appendix out. He is doing OK but will be a hardship on him to miss the time off work for him to recover. Saw him in the hospital last evening-he was pretty out of it! Had to leave his 22nd b-day party to be taken to the ER-but a very good thing he did!

Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Labor Day 2008

2008-09-04T17:22:00.004-05:00
We spent some time at Hillsdale Lake-soaking up the sun over Labor day weekend. Between my sister, nephew and us we had three sweet puppies with us. My nephew's Zach is the newest edition. she is named Bailey and is 4 months old. We aren't sure what her breed mix is-we were told chi sp?(little taco bell dog??) and terrier. To me she looks like a little deer! She can jump really high and is a hoot to watch. She actually dove off the front of the fishing boat! So the end of summer wrapped up in one weekend-we missed Taylor though-she had to work. Oh I almost forgot...Happy belated Birthday to Zachary who turned 22! I was 22 when he was born-pretty wild how time has flown-they always said it would and I didn't believe them! Enjoy the slideshow!

Make a Smilebox slideshow
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Basketball Video for Coach Bechard

2008-09-03T21:10:00.003-05:00
This video was created and shared on youtube-it is obviously about the 1996 State Champion basketball team and their one-of-a kind coach! I remember that season very well, because at the time I was still working for Gardner Parks and Recreation and my coworkers brother was on the team. I even helped design the rowdy rag that fans had at the games. It was a very exciting time for Gardner. Coach Don Bechard was inducted into the GEHS Athletic Hall of Fame last evening at the Hospice House. It was a well deserved award for a man who has made such a difference in GEHS athletics and the community as a whole. He is still inspiring so many with his continued amazing fighting spirit-I have read most of the comments on his caringbridge site (I am still getting so many hits-hopefully I helped by showing some the way to his site)-Don & his family are so loved by all-that is obvious.
I wish I would of had the opportunity to know him better.
Enjoy the video-I did! Gardner has changed some in last 12 years.

Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Not Going to Louisiana!

2008-09-01T22:23:00.002-05:00
Rodney just came home after a long day at the armoury getting all the paperwork together for the unit to go to Louisiana in the am. Rodney is not able to go due to his condition-he has a cpap machine (there will no electricity in the tents), he can't lift or be in a vehicle for 24 hours with his legs the way they still are,and he also has an issue with bleeding heavily still when cut at all (bled for 25 minutes from a bug bite on his ear?? the other day). So his Lt. Col. said you are not going Spc. Price you still have issues! He will be working at the rear-detachment while the unit is gone. He is happier tonight-he was really stressed out and worried. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.
Tommorow we start the fight to find out when and what is going to happen with him-disability or temp retired list or whatever is supposed to happen.
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Gustav Assistance

2008-09-01T08:02:00.004-05:00
3:40pm update: I just spoke with Rodney and they are still in Kansas preparing to go-paperwork, yada, yada, yada... I asked him if they were for sure going and he said they were leaving tommorow and it would be about a 24 hour drive in military vehicles-after looking at the news online I am not seeing why they would be going still. I really don't want him to go due to health issues still outstanding-but with it being Labor Day there is no one with any say so around. Just have to wait and see what happens.

Rodney just left to go with his National Guard unit to the gulf area to do damage control and help out in any way they can. We were very surprised he was called up to go since he still have so many issues with his wounds from 20 months ago but he is on his way with a temp. profile stating he can do less than the normal soldier would be expected to do. Kind of a strange feeling having him leave in uniform again and go some where on orders after everything that has happened and is still happening with trying to get his medical condition taken care of. That will be on hold for now. Pray for the safety of the soldiers and those who live in the gulf area especially in New Orleans. I will keep you all updated as I know more about the units status as they help out with damage done by Gustav.
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Coach Bechard

2008-08-31T23:06:00.006-05:00
I noticed I was getting hits off of those looking for information on Don Bechard-for those of you who never had the privilege of meeting him, Don has be battling cancer for about 2 years and will soon be going to meet Jesus as his time on earth is short. I wrote a short post on him before that included a video of cool bald guys.
I just checked his website on caringbridge (go to visit and but in coachbechard)and the family is by his his side including his mother whom he has been waiting on.
Don has been a large part of our community as a coach and teacher.He has made a huge difference in many children's lives as well as others whom he has touched in ways he may not even have realized. Please pray for comfort and strength for Coach Bechard's family (Jan, Connor, Lauren, Addison,& his mom and siblings) as they say goodbye to their son, brother, husband, father and part their heart.
His legacy will never be forgotten.
God Speed Coach!
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

media message from soldiers

2008-08-29T23:26:00.003-05:00
A couple of Rodney's fellow 714th soldiers did an interview with the media a few months back. They were also having issues with getting "taken care" of properly. Thought I'd Share-
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

We Need a MIRACLE!

2008-08-28T13:53:00.004-05:00
Keeping it short-but please pray for a miracle for our situation with the army medical status of Rodney and his wounds. We are at the end of August 2008-in October 2008 it will be TWO WHOLE YEARS with no real answers about the path we should be on. Our emotions as a family are taxed to the limit. We want answers and no more hoops to jump through. We want this to all be settled and over, whatever that looks like. We obviously want the best case scenario to happen and for Rodney to get the disability he deserves, the respect he deserves and for us to be able to heal and move on. Please pray for a miracle-lawmakers, army personnel and powers that be. We want God in charge-only he can fix this! Thanks!
Keep Imagining!
Tracy