Alive Day

Two years ago at this time I began this blog. I was still so entrenched in being the "wife of a wounded soldier". I was trying to decide how I should feel about the one year anniversary of Rodney being wounded. It was a very difficult, emotional and confusing time. We were dealing with the what's, the whys and the who's of the military process.

Where are we today 2 years later on now what we know to be called his "Alive Day"? Not so stuck in the everyday bureaucracy..either because we are further down the road or just tired of dealing with something you can't move any faster than even if you try. I am much more cynical that is for sure. I am letting go of the victim associated with being the "wife of a wounded" soldier-because I have to so I can move forward...live again. I will always have had this experience and wouldn't be pursuing a master's in Social Welfare if we hadn't gone through hell and back.
The process of making sure our family gets the benefits we are entitled to continues. We are waiting on the permanent and total rating from the VA-so I can have assistance with money for school (that would help tremendously!) ....but we still wait. The other is shocking to most people....as of today Rodney has still not been released from the Kansas National Guard even though he hasn't done anything like drill since he returned home...He started the med board process which entails meeting with more/different doctors to say he is unfit for duty. This process could take up to a year when he is actually done...he has one more appointment he has to attend but it hasn't been scheduled. Once he is rated by the army (VA and Military ratings are completely different in case you didn't know that-all your tax dollars hard at work!!!)
We hope to have free health insurance for our family for life but who know??
See the cynical is coming out...sorry ;(
So are there any big "Alive Day" celebrations today...that answer is no. It is like any other ordinary day except for the fact that three years later Rodney is inpatient and most likely will be for a while our lives at home are less chaotic, we are without him again. He is not off fighting insurgents but instead battling the demons left over by war and working on things in his head that should have been addressed 3 years ago,but they take care of the physical first (I was told that at Fort Gordon after he was wounded). I am sad, but also so numb. Our family is in shambles.
Maybe it just took this amount of time to get to this place....I don't have the answers. I wish someone did, but they don't. We are not the only families in turmoil because of our situation....there are countless others. We aren't on the 5 o'clock news ...we are just dealing the best we can. Someday maybe the world will notice, but for now the world doesn't want to hear about it. So as a social worker I have my job cut out for me....job security???

The good news is....I am doing better, going to school, feeling more confident-more like the me I wasn't sure still existed, I have lost some of the baggage I was carrying-30 lbs of it and I am reaching out to friends. I am living life again!! I am still the wife of a wounded soldier, but I am not wearing it like a huge sign, it is just a part of me, not the total of who I am!

SO to Rodney...."Happy Alive Day"! It is a miracle and something worth remembering and celebrating. Sorry we can't be together to do it. Keep fighting and putting the pieces together on your end.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Joy, my birthday and a new outlook!

This is the two part kind folks! I had planned to post about my birthday which will be upon me in less than 5 minutes-so I will be 45 by the time I finish this post.

First Part:

I have tears in my eyes as I start this post-tears of happiness after reading all the comments about our Christmas tree. It is brings me such joy to hear someone say "You are doing good Tracy..keep it up!"

I will admit each day is a struggle-I cry, I get angry, I lose it for some simple little thing like I can't find something, I am lonely, I am stressed, confused and I am doing whatever it takes to get through the day.

I also have moments where I laugh, smile and am hopeful. I want each day to get easier-I know I have so much work ahead of me.

But... Tonight Taylor, Carley, Connor and I started a new holiday tradition-we went to the theater to see "Christmas Carol". I loved the show and our seats were perfect. The kids seem to have a good time also.I asked them if they wanted to try and make it a new tradition-all said yes! The play is of course well known and the story one of catching the Christmas spirit-not the receiving of material gifts but that of giving of ourselves, being joyful and happy, sharing time together. The holiday music was enchanting. I was in awe. It made my heart feel good to hear Connor say after the first act: "wow that went fast!"-to me that meant he was enjoying it! I felt very touched and moved by the message and energy of the performance. Maybe it was what I needed..to jump start me. Taylor even said it helped her feel more Christmas spirit. So worth it to do something with all three of my children and everyone to come away having a great experience. Tonight I felt like it was ok to be happy and love life. To have a little spring in my step and not feel weighed down with worry. To sit back and let life lead me.

2nd part: So now we move onto the birthday deal...It is official central time at 12:03 am-I am 45 and alive!

Someone once told me think of the alternative if you feel bad about getting older-LOL Guess that is true!

I really have never been a fan of my birthday-the December 18-one week before Christmas thing has always been difficult. Even as a child I remember having a Santa Claus cake for one of my b-day parties, sometimes it was even difficult to have parties since people had Christmas parties already planned. I had times where people combined my gifts for birthday and Christmas-that sucked! People wrapped my b-day gifts in Christmas paper-(not something anyone who really knows me dares do now!) I know any of you with Dec. birthdays or even early January know what I am talking about.

I grew to not have any real expectations for my birthday-I was always let down. When I was in college-I planned my own 19th and 20th birthday's-of course I had a lot of people to invite plus it was a time when any reason for a party was good! My ex-husband gave me a great 30th (semi-surprise) birthday party-it was memorable! I have always tried to make sure my kids birthdays are special-it is their day, Sometimes I even went overboard but I had my reasons and my kids do remember their b-day parties! Since the 30th it has become more about the aging thing! I have been so afraid of getting old-I let it happen just by worrying about it. So this year...many challenges ahead...

but..I want to be a 45 years old and learn to live my life again. Empower myself! Those are strong words-they mean so much to me. It is what I was telling Taylor when she was at her lowest point after her broken engagement. Gotta practice what I preach-baby girl opened my eyes!

I want to lose this darn weight (eat better and get on a workout schedule)-I want this so BAD! I want to not dread getting dressed or going shopping or looking in a mirror.

I want to take better care of this 45 year old body-get health issues taken care of-instead of avoiding the issues.

I want to get the counseling I need to heal, go to Alonon and get a better understanding of why I do what I do.

I want to find my passions again.....scrap booking, gardening, just re-discovering my inner creative self! Take a class maybe????

I want to find ways to make me feel accomplished and possibly do that by finding a way to help families of wounded soldiers.

I want to experience new things-push my limits-learn to live life now and not wait for it to start.

I want to re-connect with God-find a church family I feel supported by and that I can offer something to.

I want to be a good mom-if that means setting boundaries with my kids and being tougher then so be it.

They know I un-conditionally love them..I want them to be strong and make good choices. They are growing up-my role is changing with each of them. I want to keep working on having an open, healthy relationship with each of them.

I want to learn to forgive-let go of past hurts and move forward. Not saying forget but forgive-being angry eats at my soul.

I know that sounds like so much-it freaks me out-but I feel strong tonight, I feel hopeful, I feel I can make some changes and no matter what happens be OK! (please continue to remind me-I know on my bad days I will need to come back and read this)

So here is to 45.....BRING IT ON!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy