My Grandpa Deck and my Dad approx. 1941 (see more about this further down in post)Carley called Grandpa to come over to deal with the sparking pre-lit light situation since we sure don't need a fire. 2 of the 3 have put their special ornaments from over the years on the tree. (Taylor hasn't but she will). My living room is stacked with boxes, in an organized manner and I will get the rest done this week as I feel like it-PLEASE let me feel like it! I am trying, it is hard one minute and ok the next. I can't help remembering that....
Two years ago I was waiting for Rodney to get his orders to come home from Ft. Gordon, Georgia after being on med-hold there. He finally was able to come home for good on December 22, 2006, or at least I thought he was home for good. I had so many dreams for us and so many hopes. I don't get why we went through so much and ended up like this. But...We do have a tree up and most likely by Christmas will have the rest of the decor up and gifts wrapped and ready to be opened-I can do it for the kids.
*Special note: I forgot until a little while ago that today would have been my Grandpa Deck's 94th Birthday. He passed away in July 1989. Taylor was 6 weeks old. He had been very sick with complications from his diabetes. We believe he waited to meet his first great-granddaughter before passing since he died only a few days after meeting her. Miss you Grandpa-you were one of a kind and I know you would tell me about now how really tough I am. You made me realize that once along time ago when I was so afraid of a dust storm while visiting you in Arkansas. You took me out on the carport and held me tight as the wind howled and swirled around us-just to prove I would be ok and that there was nothing to be afraid of. I will try to remind myself of that more often. So Happy Birthday in Heaven-give Dad and Grandma a hug and I hope you are enjoying that special cake with the white divinity icing-that you weren't supposed to eat here but can in Heaven. :)
Is it Christmas if you don't have a tree up?
Looks like we might not be putting up the Christmas tree this year. Why? I am not the least bit mechanically inclined so I am useless in the putting it together stage. The kids tried and were arguing and getting frustrated with each other. I said it isn't worth it! They may work it out and get it figured out-and that is a great lesson for them to learn about working together. They really are good people!
Part of me is pissed at myself for not knowing how to do "everything" and that I really don't care too much about the whole decorating for Christmas "thang" this year but the majority is angry with Rodney for not being here-because he didn't take care of his problem a long time ago. This is the one way he has contributed efforts to decorate for Christmas-putting together the freaking tree! I know I can't have it both ways and I could ask for help-but I am so tired of asking for help!!!!
I mean the man was just here to pick-up his laundry and he didn't notice a big box in the middle of the living room??? He is so not emotionally invested in this family.
I am also very tired of having expectations, being angry and being lonely, and I want to feel the Christmas Spirit! I sound like such a whining brat right now-I need a hug! and a few prayers wouldn't hurt either.
I am really trying to keep God in my "conversations" going on in my head. I need him more than ever.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy
