One month to go......Stop the Procrastination!

I am on the downhill slide to finish my 2nd semester of Grad school. May 5th I will be one year into a three year program. I should be feeling good about where I am standing at this point, I mean I have proven I can do it. Why do I feel like I could just let it all go and screw it up? I have learned so much and really enjoy the interaction with the instructors and the other students. I start my practicum next fall, which means This is my ticket to so many changes in my life and to prove I am still capable to accomplish what I need to, even other parts of life stay stressful.

I have two classes-Research & Behavior Theory. I am doing ok in both, but better in the Theory class. I have missed the Research class so many times, and attendance doesn't count towards our grade. I am having a harder time grasping this class and add not going to class for being ill or whatever is not helping. I know this, I really do..and I have a project due that I am supposed to do with a group, some of my friends. I am letting them down as well as myself.I may end up doing a project and presentation by myself, I wouldn't blame them. I don't know if I can do a project on a subject I don't really understand...but I have to try. I don't want to get by I want to do my best...to be proud of myself and for my kids to be proud. I have to finish and do well enough to continue...it is all I really have. Why am I sabotaging myself?I feel like I cannot move, like I am even afraid to try. Procrastination is an understatement! I need to get up tomorrow and overcome whatever is holding me back...do my homework, face up to my group and figure out what I am doing for this project for April 19th. I need to be stubborn and do whatever it takes to get the work done for both classes. Ok...that is my confession for today...hopefully I can move forward and look back at this and know I fixed it!I know my depression is kicking in and physically I have had some stomach issues again as well as headaches. It is all tied to everything....I can't let this be the end of my dream.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Momma Can't Seem To Make It Better..

MOM and her Girls...Carley, Taylor and me-April 2007-Florida Trip


Taylor and Me-In Happier Days-she was almost three. I was pregnant with Carley (barely) in this picture. Easter 1992.

I am at my wits end with knowing what to say or do for my broken hearted, depressed and just immobile daughter. I am so mad at myself for not feeling equipped to handle a 19 year old sobbing every couple hours. This make me feel helpless and so upset since I deal with depression myself and know what she is feeling. she is so overwhelmed she quit her job today-I am not sure if she will continue in college and finish the semester! I can't say or do the right thing. I lose my patience-I am a horrible mom! I try tough love-she digs her heels in. I try to get her to do small things like eat, take a shower or go on an errand-it is like pulling teeth.
I know why, I understand-but I so don't want this for her-this monster called depression-I have feared her entire life I would pass it on to her. Did I? What can I do for her-I should know what to do!!!

Her friends have deserted her-I have no idea why??? I am so mad at her Ex for giving her no real reason for changing his mind about the relationship-and he is just going on with his fun filled life with their friends. She doesn't understand what she did?? She told me Sunday she felt she needed to talk with someone-we set that up and she did see a therapist on Monday. She will continue to see her and most likely will be dealing with more than just her and Bryan's breakup( she will be faced with so much she never dealt with...her non-relationship with her dad for the last 6 years after he tried to force her to go with him for visitation and in the process caused her bodily harm (bruises, gashes and so much emotional pain), Rodney be deployed to Iraq and being wounded, my depression and anxiety issues, and all the crap she has let build up for so many years. She has never been one to talk about her feelings-that isn't such a good thing-she has stuffed a lot. I knew this and could see it-but couldn't make her deal. This was her breaking point-bless her heart, she is in so so much pain.

This isn't going to be as simple as I thought a couple weeks ago. I am praying so hard for me to know what to do and for her to know God hasn't abandoned her. I play her music to remind her God is there, I show her pictures of her happy before Bryan, I hug her and comfort her, I make her favorite food..what else can I do. I can't let her quit-I can't let her give up. I want my ambitious, laid back, smiling, dancing little girl back. Please send prayers!!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy