Seeing the Big Picture

First I want to thank all my blog friends that left me comments-it helped me remember I am only one person, I am human and there is so much that is underlying issues from the last 2 1/2 years. Things just got so out of control last night I couldn't see the "big picture".

I spent sometime today (actually a few hours) on the phone with different agencies to figure out where this journey goes now. I spoke with a nurse from the VA-Rodney needs more evaluation on possible brain injury from the blast-which would explain some of his actions of recent. The nurse also is getting us started on getting the primary dr. set up and getting us into counseling (an obvious need). I also spoke to another wounded soldier-he gave me insight into Rodney is feeling. I then spoke with a advocate from AW2 which hopefully help us with the process of what comes next with the Army/National Guard side. She is doing some research and talking to some people in DC to figure out what would be the best situation for Rodney as well as our family.

I think Rod is really having issue with leaving the army-not being a soldier anymore-losing his identity. I get that more today. Doesn't change the fact that last night was crazy but at least gives me an explanation of why things are going so out of control now.
We as a family have to deal with daily life which can be so stressful, but we still
have so much on top of the heap of the emotional fallout from trauma of what happened 2 years ago-forgetting that and not recognizing why things continue to occur in the emotional department is not working-we need to be aware and vigilant to heal. I sound so profound today:) Sounds so easy when I am not in chaos and really pissed :) but I am going to try!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Can anyone say DYSFUNCTIONAL?

My family is falling apart...literally... tonight was like the freaking civil war in my house with children and parents choosing sides. Obviously Taylor has been struggling-add panic attacks to her daily life. Rodney and Connor are going at it like children (at least one of them is still a child!). Carley just gets feed up with all of us-lucky for her she gets a break from our crazy house to go visit her dad for 3 nights and deal with a different crazy. I am trying to help Taylor-trying to keep her calm. Connor came home from school with a stomach thing today so trying to mother him a little. Feeling my own issues with anxiety and working to keep the stress level on an even keel. Didn't work..
So this is what happened in a nut shell.. I am reaching out to my friend's that are also mom's to some of her high school friends-I go to the garage to have a private conversation with my friend Sherri since the TV was on and Rodney was doing his best impression of the peanut gallery (stop listening and trying to be a part of my phone conversations!. Rodney was obviously in one of his moods/places/PTSD tonight-he pushes until he pisses off someone-usually me or Connor. So I am in the garage-talking and listening because I need outlets for my frustration too. Then here comes Taylor-upset because Rodney and Connor are going at it with words. Not 5 minutes later Connor is in the garage-crying about something and Rodney is right behind him. I had to tell my friend I couldn't talk-and man was I one mad momma!
All the kids retreated downstairs to Taylor's room even Carley-so then it was Rod and I arguing about the same old shit. Long, Long story short....I cannot continue to do this!!!! My marriage is not anywhere close to what I think one should look like, my children have to deal with so much stress in this house and I don't know what to do. I am a mess and I am the one supposed to know what to do!!

I am on 3 different meds, I don't get out of the house most days (not sure why other than I feel safer here-makes no sense I know!),stress of any kind makes me physically sick (I am still having stomach issues and have an ultra-sound scheduled for tomorrow in the am to look at my gall bladder), There is so much more I can't even talk about-think we all need counseling??? I am afraid that is something that is to late-I know we need to heal but none of that is happening.
Nothing anyone can really do-but something is going to blow just not sure what.

We were the poster family for Dysfunction tonight! Everything is coming to a head!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

October 12th- Two Years Later

An anniversary is today...2 years ago on October 12th in Mosul,Iraq my husband's FOB (Forward Operating Base) was attacked by insurgents when they fired multiple mortar rounds from various locations from out side the fence. My husband Spc. Rodney A. Price was wounded from a mortar blast that hit outside the door of the building he was standing in. I have heard that he was thrown 20 feet backwards when the blast came through the closed glass and metal door. He and three other soldiers were wounded from his unit. Other units from the Camp Marez also had wounded. Rodney was seriously wounded and was taken care of inside the command post where he was hit by many of his fellow 714th brothers while they continued to be under attack.
He received care from an the med-act who was dodging mortar fire to help the wounded.
He aspirated Rodney who had a collapsed lung that was filling up with blood. He had a wound to his left hip flexer that hit a major artery-and he would have bleed out had it not been for one brave soldier placing his knee and body weight on the wound to stop the bleeding.

This all happened at approx. 4:30 p.m. Iraq time which is 8 hours ahead of central standard time, so he was wounded about the time we were starting out day here in Kansas-8:30 am! I went through my day not knowing what had happened, just that I was feeling weird that day-can't really explain it-intuition?? I hadn't heard from Rodney for about 3 days, which was a little while longer than usual. I found out at 3am when Rodney's parents and sister came to our home to tell me.

Here we are 2 years later-still dealing!Some days I look back and think how can this all still be affecting our lives so strongly...still. It is all day to day-I had a dream last night I was in a mortar attack with Rodney somewhere. The brain is a complicated place full of processes that I don't even begin to understand. Why now do I have a dream such as that?

A year ago I started this blog-it has often been a life line for me. A place to go and share my feelings. A place I go and visit friends in other parts of the US and the world without ever leaving my room. To think 3 years ago I didn't even know what a BLOG was..Thank you on this anniversary day to all the readers and friends that leave "priceless" comments that make my day and help me get through the difficult ones.

I have included last years Oct. 11th post. My very first one!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Song Brought It Back..

I cried today-I cried like I did so many times while Rodney was deployed, when he was so far away from home, so far away from me. That time from June 6 until October 12,2006 is a part of my life in which I was sure my heart would break in two. Music was something I relied strongly on during this time-there are so many songs that I related to.Most of them sad songs about missing someone-which I was! I avoid those songs a lot now-but sometimes they play and catch me off guard-like today- I sobbed just like I would when he was deployed even though I loved the songs and in some ways the music was the only thing that comforted me. I am one of those people that recalls how old I was, where I was, what I was doing by the music that was playing on the radio. I heard one of the songs today: "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down.
It brought back those memories-and what do I remember...

I had no real idea how much I loved my husband until he was gone-and not a daily part of our family. I lived for phone calls, emails, cards & letters, instant messages-any kind of contact was what I lived for. I felt like a lost teenage girl again-in love but unable to be with the object of my affection. When we did see each other on leave and visits-it was incredible and so special.

My life during deployment turned into a chance for me to grow as a person-I cleaned, organized, decorated my house, learned a lot about Iraq on the Internet :), I was learning to be an army wife. I took much better care of myself because I wanted him to come home to me and be proud of me. I joined a gym, I got spray on tans, I bought new clothes and I got a tattoo. I thought of him constantly-care packages (which I loved putting together for him!)made videos and cd's for him, I wrote letter & emails, I took 2 trips to see him in Mississippi in 3 months. I was so focused on making our life the best when he finally returned home.

Weird now to look back-I was growing and I was so in love during a period where I worried, cried and waited-and waited. I had my kids(they were such a comfort and made me laugh when I needed to)-I had to keep going-I knew the deployment would be over-there was a ending to it even if 12-15 months felt like an eternity.
Now I am still waiting for my husband to return home-even though he lives here.
Thing is that those people (the deployment Rodney and Tracy) don't exist any longer-that makes me sad. We were good to each other and for each other.

So I actually now look back at deployment as a hard thing, but it was a time where I also had so much hope and I was still innocent and naive to the ways of the Army world. So even though I cry when a song plays it makes me remember how the heart did grow fonder when he was away. We can't forget..how much we missed each other.

We will make it through this and come out stronger on the other side. I have to believe that-maybe I need to find a song that helps me believe that.


Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

We Need a MIRACLE!

Keeping it short-but please pray for a miracle for our situation with the army medical status of Rodney and his wounds. We are at the end of August 2008-in October 2008 it will be TWO WHOLE YEARS with no real answers about the path we should be on. Our emotions as a family are taxed to the limit. We want answers and no more hoops to jump through. We want this to all be settled and over, whatever that looks like. We obviously want the best case scenario to happen and for Rodney to get the disability he deserves, the respect he deserves and for us to be able to heal and move on. Please pray for a miracle-lawmakers, army personnel and powers that be. We want God in charge-only he can fix this! Thanks!
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

What COULD Happen next

I have so much to do today so I just wanted to get on here and let you know that our meeting with Lt. Tipton went very well yesterday. We are a great deal clearer on what is happening, what happened before to cause what is happening now and what we can expect in the near future. Best scenerio I guess is Rodney going back on medhold and having his medical issues completly handled. He would live on post for this so he would be away from home but we can deal with that. Then he would go back to CBHCO-but not out of Arkansas out of Salt Lake. He would only be there for a short time and come back and work close to home until the army decides to medboard him out or keep him with his MOS. Tommorow we head to Leavenworth for a battery of medical exams and I will be his second pair of eyes and ears. We will see what happens after that because he has to be accepted into the program I spoke of earlier. I know very confusing and it affects each of us-changing insurance again back to tricare (we are getting ready to do braces and sinus surgery on Carley)
One day at a time or I would lose my freakin mind. BAHHHHHHH!
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Can you hear me SCREAMING!

Pretty catchy title-huh?
Really though nothing is wrong where I am actually bleeding at this point and I haven't started tearing out my hair or anyone else's YET! It has just been so crazy-the last week or two!!!! Today is one of those days when Rodney and I both feel at war with the military/VA/social security system You name it we are making phone call, sending emails and pulling out the big guns.
There is so much that is not right about this situation-as I have said before..

Rodney has been doing his own legwork when it has come to getting all his medical records to the VA-twice now he has had to make trips, do the copying and then send them UPS at our cost. We are still waiting to see what happens next-if the VA needs something else which is all very possible. I don't understand why he doesn't have a liaison to be helping him through this!!!! (I wonder how many times I have said that same thing about any part of this process in the last 2+ years!)
Rodney is struggling so-he even had to take a day of sick leave to try and get something moving or get some kind of answer to anything.He is having a hard time dealing with this most likely due to his PTSD-which he hasn't been seen for since March! He is supposed to report for drill duty this month-HA! ... he can't run,or do sit ups (he has a hernia due to his surgery in Iraq).The state of Kansas has not said what is going to happen with him..and no one will call us back. I made my call to DC today to my amazing contact/friend Terrie and she will do her job. that is one thing I can count on!After I got off the phone with her I smiled at Rodney and made the motion of "stirring the POT". He chuckled and said I don't know what I would do without you. He has also been trying to find out why he no longer is being covered by Tricare-he was wounded in action in Iraq the place where our country is fighting a WAR?
Financially we are drowning-we had to turn down the opportunity to purchase a house from a friend at a really good price because right now we can't be sure of anything.
Oh and Social security benefits for the time he was on med hold-we were told he would most likely qualify-now they are saying not!! Not giving up that fight yet.
UGGHHHHHHH!!!!!&#*&^% Hear me screaming and cussing yet!!
On top of all of this we have daily life..school starting, and extra news concerning my oldest Taylor (I will share more later) I am so stressed out right now-I can feel my self shaking inside-but it happens every time I deal with the unfairness of the green machine. I have to admit I avoid it if I can because I know what will happen to me.
I know I need stress relief-Calgon or rum take me away!!!!!
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

In a Holding Pattern and Feeling Defeated

I haven't wrote much about our life now and how we are dealing with being a family with a "wounded solider"? Where are we in the process? How does this still affect us on a daily basis? What could still happen? Have we been forgotten and do we have all the information and resources available? Is the system for wounded warriors working any better? These are all such emotional topics for me to tackle especially when I don't even know what questions to ask anymore nor who even to ask.
What I do know (or think I know?)---Rodney's situation is this: he is still on Medhold-which means he is still being treated by doctor's for his injuries or symptoms due to the mortar attack, as of today we are at least looking until June 2008. There are many issues still unresolved. He hasn't been released nor has he been rated for his injuries for any sort of disability from the military or VA. He is still considered on active duty with orders from the federal govt. so he is being paid by the Department of Defense. While he is on Medhold he can't be promoted. He can't go back to his civilian job which actually pays more. (there are actually a lot of can't do's) He is part of the Kansas National Guard but not to the point where they have any say over what happens to him in the system-he is commanded by the unit that handles medhold out of Ft. Robinson, in Arkansas where he spent 3 days in Dec. 2006. He works at the armoury close to home but they aren't in charge of him really either. So essentially we as a family of a wounded solider are out here in limbo. He is supposed to be a part of programs like AW2 (wounded warrior)but that hasn't happened. We were told that we qualified last summer??After countless phone calls and emails no response. We have been ignored and avoided more often than not...It is emotionally exhausting as well as confusing. Sometimes I think parts of the system think we will give up since it is so time consuming and so difficult to navigate thru. I am sure many do give up.
Soooo what happens when we need answers to a question or for that matter any kind of assistance. Well we start asking and calling whomever will listen. We get forgotten or passed over a lot. We have been promised many times results or actions that didn't happen. I have said so many times to people I just wish people would do their JOBS! I am so pessimistic about when someone offers help or advice and I hate being like that. It is now to the point that I really don't want anything to do with the Army. I will admit I am so distrustful. At one point I wanted to make a difference-to somehow fix the system. I don't think that is even possible most days. I just don't understand-why does it all have to be so hard! We have never been sent to a support group for wounded warrior families nor do we know if one even exists.We don't have a peer group or others to turn to to say hey what did you do??? We are struggling as a couple but do not really know where to turn other than the private sector for counseling but that doesn't always take in the 'military factor's of our unique situation. I know Rodney is a solider and he did what he did because he is patriotic. I have stood by him through this 24/7 and am very proud of his sacrifices but I believe we deserve more as a family-not recognition, nor parades or ceremonies-we deserve a system that takes care of our needs that are based on the sacrifices he made as well as the other four of us. We deserve to know what is going on. We deserve the emotional support in so many ways. We deserve fair disability pay. We have had so many groups, organizations, and individuals step up throughout this last 15 months-and we wouldn't have made it without them.We are so thankful, grateful and humbled. These organizations are taxed though-there are so many others seeking their help. We have pretty much exhausted our resources. We have exhausted ourselves. Our family is starting to sink, to drown and to suffer with no where to turn. I don't understand how the military can continue to stand back and watch the families of the wounded destroyed.

But it is happening to us...we are losing the battle...we are growing apart so I ask for help from Rodney's case manager whom is in Arkansas. The topic is private but I will say it is something that took me a lot of courage to call about. Rodney didn't want the help but I know it was needed. She was the one I turned to for the first time about a very important family matter-she basically said the Army couldn't help-we were on our own. So what now??? I have no idea other than praying (which never hurts :))-and getting on with my life without the Army as much as I can?? It hurts too bad to be constantly disappointed in system that is supposed to be there. At least that is how I feel? Army Strong...Not so sure!
Sorry to be do negative but I needed to get it out and let you all know what the system looks like and how there is so much room for improvement.
I suppose this all sounds like ranting and raving-maybe even selfish and ungrateful.
If that is the impression-you have not been in my shoes-and I wouldn't want you to have to be. If you are then you do know and I would love to hear from you.
I really need to know we are not alone-I am not alone as the only national guard wife of a wounded solider on medhold!
So our holding pattern continues but I hope every day to be able to take control of my own life in some way so as not to be defeated. I will admit sometimes I don't want any part of this all anymore.All I know is I am so tired of spinning my wheels and getting no where. I guess for today I do give up...Hopefully tommorow I will feel differently and feel up to fighting the fight for us!

I will try to Keep Imagining and praying (please do the same for all of us in this situation)Thanks for listening!
Tracy

The "Wounds from the War" still sneaking up on us

I have spent a great deal of last evening and today contemplating how to approach this particular post. I am taken aback by how I didn't realize how 'much" our lives are changed forever not just because of my husband's scars or medical issues-the repercussion's reach so much deeper than that.

I had posted in a earlier post about my son, Connor and his struggles. I wanted to update on what has been occurring, what we have found our so far and how he is doing.
I need to say that I do not by any means believe my son is a "bad boy'-he is not by any stretch of the imagination. I love this kid who has been such a blessing to me-he has taught me more than I can ever say. He is an awesome soccer goalie, he loves his sisters so much and he is so strong... he has endured so much especially with all that occurred in his short life. He was only a few short weeks past his 9th birthday when his daddy was deployed. He was so sad that day as we all were, but now looking back I realize just how sad he did act. He was sad to the core of his soul as well as most likely so confused. I remember the moment his dad's bus, headed for training in Mississippi, turned the corner and was then out of sight after the send off ceremony. I looked at him and asked if he would like to go and get breakfast-he said "No Mom, I just want to go home"-he looked so defeated.
He wasn't like this most of time during the deployment or even after his dad was wounded-most of the time he was a 9 year old boy who played, tried to annoy his sisters, talked to his dad on the phone and seemed to be doing well for a kid whose dad was deployed, but yet we had no idea what was normal or abnormal. As a family we were just trying to do the best we could in an abnormal situation. I didn't deal well a lot of the time with Rodney being gone or with the idea of him going to war, but I know I tried for my family. I do wish I had had more of a support system in place with others in my same situation close by. I tried to put my kids first always and look for signs or issues. Connor had an amazing 4th grade teacher that made all the difference in the world to him as well as me-I knew she was watching out for him. I put together videos and slideshows for Rodney and included what the kids were doing and even taped them talking to him. After Rodney was wounded life got really messy and complicated-there was nothing close to normal except we did have to live our lives day in and day out like everyone else: we had holiday celebrations, the kids had their activities,my oldest was preparing to graduate and go to college and Rodney was healing. But ... I missed seeing Connor's pain-I looked and he had behavior issues at home but nothing really new-just Connor (he has always had a high need for attention :)- So now I realize when we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not every waking moment is spent thinking about some aspect of our situation-BOOM... My Son's feelings, worries, fear and pain come out full force-and I didn't see it coming.

He is now under the care of a dr. whom is doing tests. He saw a counselor whom I have been seeing myself and he finally opened up and said this is what is going on:
He was so scared for so long and he is mad at all that happened. He had no control-so his "PTSD" is just now manifesting itself in inappropriate behavior, anger and difficulties in school. I cannot imagine what has been going on in his head-he had to feel so alone and confused. Now he is heading into pre-teenhood and he has so many feelings and emotions he cannot cope. So now we know-and another part of the journey has begun. We as his parents know we have to be so much more diligent than we have been in being there for him even when he pushes us away and to keep him talking to counselors,etc.. We will do whatever it takes to help him..and he does know that. Last night he said to me with a SMILE on his face..."Mom, I feel so much better after talking to (Micheal) the counselor-I feel happier." that all I want for him to be happy-for him to know he is loved and he is special and people do care, God cares and he will be ok!
I know we will always have things come up and we will wonder is this related to the 'war" experience-but all families have their own "chaos" to deal with right? We will survive this and so will Connor with the help we have set up as well as from us being more aware and focused.

That is a step in the right direction.... Put prayers for good things to happen for Connor and for him to feel it is ok to be a kid and enjoy life would be a good thing. He has had to do without because of financial issues and other priorities, sometimes I am sure he felt forgotten-I truly wish I could say yes we can go to Toys-R-Us and buy you that toy-but for now I can't. He is to young to worry about so many adult issues. He is a child wounded by war and he doesn't even live near a war zone. He is one of the little "heros". (don't tell him I said he was little :).
I wish I could fix it all for him as well as my husband,and our daughters but I am doing all I can do. Please pray financially things turn around for us-we need that so much to move forward and go on with our plan for our life. I appreciate all that have shown their love and support thru this last week or so on this site as well as others-It has made a difference. As I have said before I love to hear from you....

Thanks for listening
Love to all
Mother of Connor a brave and amazing young man.
Tracy