I wanted to let you know I checked out the http://www.notalone.com/ site last night and our story in my own words (with a lot of editing on their part..thank goodness...so not alot of ummms in between words). Rodney and I listened to it together last night. It sounds ok..so now you will know what my voice sounds like...weird to me! :) As the storyteller of our journey, I pray it will help some other spouse or family.
The entire site is amazing but to listen to our journey in words go to Battling the System for Your Warrior
Trying to Keep Imagining!
PS I was accepted to the Master's program for social welfare starting in August 2009..My first step to being in the system to help families of wounded warriors as a social worker!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
It has been a long time since I last saw you, since we hugged and you kissed me, since I heard you say "I love you and everything will be alright Trace". How could today be 6 years since you left this world??
I sometimes forget for a split second that you aren't a phone call away. I would love to know that if I got into my car and drove for 5 hours that I could find you fishing on the lake in the pontoon boat you were going to buy , but never got the chance. I miss Arkansas..but without you there or Grandma & Grandpa , I don't have any connection, it is just a place.
I miss you beyond comprehension. Lisa and I talk about you and that helps. We have memories and we make each other laugh remembering, I know that makes you happy looking down upon us. You loved to laugh and tell stories..I miss that the very most. I watch the tape sometimes of you down by the low water bridge by Ponca just to hear your voice. I am so thankful to have that tape. You , Connor and I had so much fun that day.
You would be proud of my kids..your grandkids. They are growing up despite me as you would have said and some days I am not sure I am doing this parenting thing right..the letting go is hard!
They all remind me of you in their own ways. Taylor is an adventurer like you were and she gets asked like you did if she has any oriental heritage..it is those almond shaped eyes! She is living in Oklahoma, trying so hard to make a life for herself. She will be 20 years old next month. She was so brave and composed at your funeral dad..only 13 years old and singing a song to bring comfort to all of us. "I Can Only Imagine" is the song and it bring me joy and sometimes overwhelming sadness but it is the inspiration for the tattoo I have in your memory. Bet you never thought I would do the tattoo thing-I remember you panther on your arm and asking you questions about it as I grew up.
Our Carley is now 16 and so smart, mature and kind hearted. She still keeps the picture in her room of you and her together from the day you moved from Kansas back to Arkansas. That little pig-tailed girl is now a beautiful young lady with a wicked sense of humor! I think you and her would most definitely enjoy each other's company! She is still a talker, which I know is all due to you :)
Connor was only 5 when you passed away but he still remembers you, I am so grateful for that. He is 5 ft. 6 inches now...I know that is taller that you were and he isn't even 12 yet. He is all boy, playing soccer and baseball and anything else involving running, jumping etc.. He is a handsome guy but I have to say of all my kids reminds me the most of me at his age in appearance...long legged and skinny! I wish you and him could've been buddies, but I do keep you alive by talking about you to him and he does ask. He would love to have something of yours but that hasn't happened.
Things with Sheri and Sharon haven't worked out dad. I hope that doesn't disappoint you too much. I just couldn't play the games I had played for 30 plus years. I hope Sharon comes around someday and allows me and the kids to have reminders of you for sentimental value, but it isn't necessary for me to remember you..I have my memories and no one can take them.
I often wonder what my life would be like if you were still a phone call or drive away..would the last almost 3 years of dealing with Rodney's deployment and then being wounded have been easier because I had you around...I will never know. That makes me sad but I then realize I can still talk to you and you do know what is going on, even if I can't touch you or hear you. So keep watching over me Daddy! I am trying to be strong and get through-I just wish I could hear one more time "it will all work out Trace".
I love you and miss you everyday...until we see each other again...I will Keep Imagining!
Love you always
Tracy Lynne Curtis
Tracy Lynne Curtis