Christmas Time Pics..

We love the theater! Kiddos posing by sign in the snow and cold to make their momma happy!

Beau and his Santa Claus-Santa had a short life...Beau loved him so much he put a hole in him.
He now has a snowman-spoiled I know!

Can't Believe these are my babies...what happened to the time??? Connor is giving his "model cool look"...he is only 11 and taller than both of his sister's. I knew the day would come but it snuck up on me! They posed for me before leaving to see the "Christmas Carol" in the city the other night.

Message to self....
Christmas is When???

Yes, Tracy...Christmas is in less than 3 days..so get off your butt and wrap those gifts for those rotten, beautiful children!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Icky Sicky

Well I certainly didn't plan on starting my first day after turning 45 years old really feeling like an old person-but I do believe I have a stomach virus! ICK! I have all the fun symptoms described on the the pepto-bismol commericals plus feel achy all over, my head is pounding and I wake up drenched in sweat, right now siting at the computer I am freezing!


So icky sicky me isn't getting anything done...like wrapping nothing under the tree except for the 3 gifts Connor bought when he went shopping with my mom today and then came home and wrapped them-they are for me,Taylor and Carley. Bless his little heart! He even hung the stockings today. I know he is so bored right now and mama ain't much fun being sick (I did play Scene It last night for a couple hours from the recliner).

I need to feel better soon-those gifts aren't going to get wrapped themselves, plus I still have a little shopping to do-one more Target run hopefully!

Carley left for her Dad's this afternoon for 4 days-she will get home Christmas eve. Miss her already! Taylor has been working and hanging with friends.

I will post about my b-day soon-it was a good day overall!

Off to take a shower and hopefully feel less icky!


Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Look there is a Christmas Tree!

A Variety of Tree Pics.......Enjoy!

I have some closeups of the special ornaments of the kids. They receive an ornament each year that signifies something from that particular year. Example on the tree you can notice a soccer guy ornament (probably more than one) for Connor, A graduation year one for Taylor and a ballerina from way back that is Carley's. They will get to take them with them when they move out of the house and have their own home-I hope they will always look back a remember what each one meant. This year I am giving Taylor an ornament that looks like a pair of flip-flops (she wears them except when it is really cold), Carley's is a driver's license ornament and Connor's is a soccer cleat with his soccer team's name on it.

Some of the pics are kinda funky lighting-was experimenting with my camera and thought they turned out interesting. Could I be getting creative??? That would be a good thing!

So enjoy our Oh Christmas Tree!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Playing Catch up

I wanted to get on and say we made it back from Oklahoma intact! Norman was a busy place this weekend-lots of school spirit with OU just winning the big 12 and now Sam Bradford winning the Heisman!

It was such nice weather on Sat.-66 degrees!!! We looked at about 4 apartments-I think she has decided on one. I had to put my mom/real estate agent (I was one for 6 years) hats. Sometimes she didn't like to hear what I had to say-she is just so excited to move I don't think she is thinking too clearly. Then I remember being 19! I knew it all too. All I can do is pray all will work out for her, help where she will let me and (the hard part) let her make mistakes. I find myself even setting y boundaries more now with her. Not sure what the move date is or where she plans on going to cosmetology school??

Saturday night Taylor went to a "tacky" Christmas sweater party-she wore one of my sweaters-It has snowmen on it! I didn't think it was that bad! :) She had a good time and I spent time trying to relax-got to watch a flat screen and I was in control of the remote!

Busy week ahead...
I have a dr. appt. to have blood drawn tomorrow am to re-check my liver enzymes that were high as well as have my cholesterol checked since I had to go off the medication. I am still having tummy issues (problem is I was supposed to go have a ultra sound of my gallbladder and well..never did). I am horrible about taking care of me! I am going to try and be much more diligent about it. Have to take the car in for service (way past due!) and then I have my therapy appt. (YEAH!) I hope to get some final Christmas shopping done too! I did some while in OK-but most I did on-line. Last minute things or hard to find things-not into shopping this year either.

Taylor is done with her college classes, Carley has her high school finals this week and Connor's last day is the 18th. (My birthday is also the 18th-but that is going to be just another day I think) We are planning on going out to dinner-Red Lobster-seafood sounded good.
On the evening of the 17th (I am so excited!)-I am taking the kids to see the "Christmas Carol" at the Missouri Rep. Theater. First time for them-they all love theater so should be fun. I saw the production there many years ago. I hope it will make me "catch" the spirit of the season.
I am looking forward to Christmas eve service as well!

I need to get on and catch up on all your blogs. I don't think I will be sending Christmas Cards out but I might-so please send me your home
address by email just in case.
One last thing before I go to bed since tomorrow is a really full day and the weather is supposed to be crappy!

I heard through my sister Lisa that my half-sister, Sheri, who is 34 had a stroke Sat. and is in ICU. She lives in Arkansas with my step-mom. She has 4 kids-5-16 years old. two live with her and the older two live down the street from me. I am asking for prayers that she have a full recovery. I don't know many of the details as her and I are estranged. That sounds so weird for me to even say that. I can say there has been a lot of water under the bridge since my dad died 5 years ago. Sheri has many medical issues as well as emotional ones. I don't wish her any ill will I just can't have her in my life-it is too painful and she sucks the life out of me. Enough said-just say a prayer if you feel the desire too.

Thanks everyone.. I will update soon and post pics of the tree!
I need to start wrapping soon!!! UGH! Then there is the baking-me and the kids do usually enjoy the baking! I hope we get some time to do it this year-Christmas is coming quick!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Blog Friends are the Best!

I have read each and every one of the comments left by my wise, supportive, and caring blog friends. I have actually read them more than once. I know everyone has fought their own battles and have current issues in their lives-so many of us deal with depression, health problems, family crisis, loneliness-That what makes it even that more amazing that you are willing to take the time to reach out to me as well as so many others. It is a community that has developed in the blogsphere-one where love, hugs, advice, prayers, tears and laughs are shared freely. I am so blessed and thankful for each and every one of you!

I am listening-I wanted to clarify that the EMDR is a therapy used for PTSD as well as anxiety. Something I have developed from the trauma and issues related to Rodney going to war and being wounded-then all the dealing with the bureaucracy-that being said I do think that my therapist will work with me on "finding" me again. I have also gotten out my Alonon books from the past (never really worked the program). I am considering starting to attend meetings. I need to be with others who have something in common as well as WORK the program-so I can better know how to heal and work on my "stuff".

That is a start! My sister is a great support to me-she has been through this and is one of the lucky ones whose husbands came out on the other side-he has been sober for 3 years know!
So when I describe a feeling-she knows to the letter what I am talking about. I have started to reach out to other friends as well-everyone seems to support the decision to have Rod leave. I know it was the right one. One thing is a common-we are all rooting for Rodney to work this out to get into recovery and be the best person he can be.

Change can only happen when something in the situation changes and breaks the cycle.
I broke the cycle-I still have hope with a lot of work "we" (Rodney and I) are still a possibility but right now I don't know and I have told him nothing is guaranteed. He wasn't happy with that but it is the way things are-he has his stuff to work on and me and the kids do to. We deserve better. I deserve to be loved better.
I have had people ask "Do you think this is his bottom?" my answer is this"I have no real idea-I do know it is my bottom-I have gone as low as I will go with him". Does that make sense?

The newest on him. He did lose his drivers license for a year. Not a good thing and he will have to deal with the consequences of that. He has signed the paperwork for diversion and is supposed to enter in-patient rehab at the VA. Not sure when, but it is a 13 week (not month-oops that would be really like a deployment) program.
Rodney needs this to save his life. We will see what happens after he gets out, until then I will continue to do what I need to do to heal, get healthy physically and emotionally and stay busy.

I did finish with the inside decorating today-can I hear a woot-woot!!!

Taylor and I leave for Oklahoma tomorrow afternoon. She is planning on making some changes in her life, The biggest being moving 5 hours away (she has friends who live near-by) and going to Cosmetology School instead of college. She needs a fresh start-she is 19 and can do that. Nothing holding her back. So we are going to go look at apartments for her and let me see the town-Norman she will be living in. Proud of her but I know I will miss her. She has come a long way in a couple months!

So I will give you more of the scoop on that when we get back-I am excited to get away and the hotel is super nice. Read, watch tv, order room service, Maybe even ....Christmas shop...I will try to enjoy :)
Connor (and Beau)is staying with my mom and step-dad (I am sure he will keep Grandma and Grandpa hopping Connor not Beau :)). Carley is with her dad and has big plans this weekend with friends. She can drive now so getting a ride to events is no longer an issue like it was sometimes before (her dad lives in the next town over).

Happy Weekends to all of you and thanks again for being there for me-I hope I do the same for you!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Tree Blues, Grandpa and Darn Feelings!

My Grandpa Deck and my Dad approx. 1941 (see more about this further down in post)

Added 8:09 p.m. You all are wonderful! We got it-Connor and Carley did-they amaze me! Connor my skinny muscle man-brought all the boxes and containers up from downstairs!!
Carley called Grandpa to come over to deal with the sparking pre-lit light situation since we sure don't need a fire. 2 of the 3 have put their special ornaments from over the years on the tree. (Taylor hasn't but she will). My living room is stacked with boxes, in an organized manner and I will get the rest done this week as I feel like it-PLEASE let me feel like it! I am trying, it is hard one minute and ok the next. I can't help remembering that....
Two years ago I was waiting for Rodney to get his orders to come home from Ft. Gordon, Georgia after being on med-hold there. He finally was able to come home for good on December 22, 2006, or at least I thought he was home for good. I had so many dreams for us and so many hopes. I don't get why we went through so much and ended up like this. But...We do have a tree up and most likely by Christmas will have the rest of the decor up and gifts wrapped and ready to be opened-I can do it for the kids.

*Special note: I forgot until a little while ago that today would have been my Grandpa Deck's 94th Birthday. He passed away in July 1989. Taylor was 6 weeks old. He had been very sick with complications from his diabetes. We believe he waited to meet his first great-granddaughter before passing since he died only a few days after meeting her. Miss you Grandpa-you were one of a kind and I know you would tell me about now how really tough I am. You made me realize that once along time ago when I was so afraid of a dust storm while visiting you in Arkansas. You took me out on the carport and held me tight as the wind howled and swirled around us-just to prove I would be ok and that there was nothing to be afraid of. I will try to remind myself of that more often. So Happy Birthday in Heaven-give Dad and Grandma a hug and I hope you are enjoying that special cake with the white divinity icing-that you weren't supposed to eat here but can in Heaven. :)

Is it Christmas if you don't have a tree up?
Looks like we might not be putting up the Christmas tree this year. Why? I am not the least bit mechanically inclined so I am useless in the putting it together stage. The kids tried and were arguing and getting frustrated with each other. I said it isn't worth it! They may work it out and get it figured out-and that is a great lesson for them to learn about working together. They really are good people!

Part of me is pissed at myself for not knowing how to do "everything" and that I really don't care too much about the whole decorating for Christmas "thang" this year but the majority is angry with Rodney for not being here-because he didn't take care of his problem a long time ago. This is the one way he has contributed efforts to decorate for Christmas-putting together the freaking tree! I know I can't have it both ways and I could ask for help-but I am so tired of asking for help!!!!
I mean the man was just here to pick-up his laundry and he didn't notice a big box in the middle of the living room??? He is so not emotionally invested in this family.

I am also very tired of having expectations, being angry and being lonely, and I want to feel the Christmas Spirit! I sound like such a whining brat right now-I need a hug! and a few prayers wouldn't hurt either.

I am really trying to keep God in my "conversations" going on in my head. I need him more than ever.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Holiday Greeting...

A little something to help get my Christmas spirit going and a shout out to all my blog readers and friends. I wanted to do this for a contest but I think I was too late-so it turned out well and I needed to get the holiday creative juices flowing. So here it is my first official greeting for Christmas 2008!

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Make a Smilebox postcard

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy