A Connection ...Army Spouse to Army Spouse.

I wanted to share an email I received after a reader found my blog and read it. She then contacted me through email. It was awesome! The reasons I started this blog in October 2007 were many, but the main one being to connect with others in our situation. I was so desperate back then to share information and to gain knowledge.

I have really not been a faithful blogger for some time now. Couple reasons...one I felt like I was being censored by people who felt I was sharing too much, so I guess I gave in.Also I developed a trigger to my secondary PTSD, which was using the computer. I think that happened...sorry I analyze everything...since every since Rodney was deployed the Internet was my lifeline to what was happening over in Iraq as well as when he returned home after being wounded...it was my way of searching, and locating information. I became obsessed and would have anxiety attacks on a normal basis. I had to back away a little...so Facebook became my means of contact with my blogger friends. Ok I am way off subject...

Below is the email letter I received and then responded to. Now I remember why I Blog!

Dear Tracy,

I enjoyed reading your Blog, I found you as a follower of the "Wife of a Wounded Soldier" Blog.

A few days ago I felt compelled to start my own Blog. As the spouse of a combat veteran suffering from PTSD and TBI I realized the unique challenges I face on a daily basis.

I would be honored if you would read my new Blog “The Combat Veteran Spouse - Living in the Shadow of PTSD” I would love to know your thoughts.

http://combatvetspouse.blogspot.com/

The war in Iraq is churning out thousands of young men and women who are returning home changed forever. For those that live with them, the transformation in their loved one can be overwhelming. There is no handbook accompanying the returning veteran, and if there was it would read “Dear spouse……you are now the proud recipient of returning veteran whose mind, body and soul have been changed forever. Forget what you knew about them before they were deployed….oh, and good luck finding a support group near you that deals exclusively in the trials and challenges you are about to face!”


Thank you so much for your time....and please feel free to share this link with others.
Warmest Regards,
D</em>

My response:
Dear D,
I appreciate you contacting as well as reading my blog. I do not keep it as updated as much as I feel I should, but I am thankful it is there when I need it. It was a lifesaver when I needed one within the vast sea of the unknown and craziness of dealing with our "new" normal. I made many great blog friends over the last 2 plus years, who I still keep in touch with through facebook and email. I hope your blog is as therapeutic to you as mine has been to me.

I did go to your blog and read your latest entry. It hit me hard, as I read about the different medications your spouse takes. (We have our list on the fridge just in case we have to grab it for a trip to the ER.) Then I read about the self-medicating with alcohol. That is where I went into my own secondary PTSD mode and most likely why I don't read blogs like I used to. Your situation though is so familiar. You see my husband spent almost 3 months inpatient at the VA for substance abuse, coping and all the other stuff he needed to deal with emotionally. He was diagnosed as bi-polar. He came home a week prior to Christmas and it has been different, I guess I can even say better. It took a long time to get him to this point. Over the last year that was the 2nd time for treatment.. I am hopeful but not stupid. The thing is now I can truly see the extent of the TBI and PTSD which was being masked by the alcohol and over use of his prescription drugs. If he could have controlled the alcohol I wouldn't have been opposed to him using it-he has been through hell. The deal is that due to the alcohol on top of everything else he had gotten 2 DUI's, lost his license, lost his job of 13 years (he is national guard),had major court costs we couldn't afford, was constantly lying, had started acting out and having inappropriate behavior at our son's sporting activities. There was also the anger issues and chaos within our home. So as you can see your post hit me hard.

This was stuff that happened over time but it got to the point I couldn't deal anymore. I am grateful for our time apart and for his recovery. We have a relationship where I am his wife, friend as well as caregiver but I respect him and understand him more now. I don't feel bitter or look for ways to get out of the craziness of the marriage. I had an attitude 180, for that I am thankful.

Thanks for letting me share-I probably should have blogged something like that..LOL. Maybe I will use it. It took strength to reach out to me and I am here if you need an ear.

As you said the military doesn't tell us how to do what we do. The way I have found to find the resources and information is to search like crazy, ask a lot of questions and develop relationships with other wife's with wounded warriors. The Wounded Warrior project and the site www.notalone.com has been to of the best organizations I have found. So I guess what I am saying sharing information and our stories is what we CAN do!

I will follow your blog and feel free to comment or email anytime. As far as your blog goes there is not right or wrong, just write what feels right. Readers will find you. Use the tags at the bottom of each blog entry. Comment on other's blogs. Best of Luck!
Tracy

So I hope you all check out D's blog and keep coming back to mine, your support is so appreciated.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Not Going to Louisiana!

Rodney just came home after a long day at the armoury getting all the paperwork together for the unit to go to Louisiana in the am. Rodney is not able to go due to his condition-he has a cpap machine (there will no electricity in the tents), he can't lift or be in a vehicle for 24 hours with his legs the way they still are,and he also has an issue with bleeding heavily still when cut at all (bled for 25 minutes from a bug bite on his ear?? the other day). So his Lt. Col. said you are not going Spc. Price you still have issues! He will be working at the rear-detachment while the unit is gone. He is happier tonight-he was really stressed out and worried. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.
Tommorow we start the fight to find out when and what is going to happen with him-disability or temp retired list or whatever is supposed to happen.
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Gustav Assistance

3:40pm update: I just spoke with Rodney and they are still in Kansas preparing to go-paperwork, yada, yada, yada... I asked him if they were for sure going and he said they were leaving tommorow and it would be about a 24 hour drive in military vehicles-after looking at the news online I am not seeing why they would be going still. I really don't want him to go due to health issues still outstanding-but with it being Labor Day there is no one with any say so around. Just have to wait and see what happens.

Rodney just left to go with his National Guard unit to the gulf area to do damage control and help out in any way they can. We were very surprised he was called up to go since he still have so many issues with his wounds from 20 months ago but he is on his way with a temp. profile stating he can do less than the normal soldier would be expected to do. Kind of a strange feeling having him leave in uniform again and go some where on orders after everything that has happened and is still happening with trying to get his medical condition taken care of. That will be on hold for now. Pray for the safety of the soldiers and those who live in the gulf area especially in New Orleans. I will keep you all updated as I know more about the units status as they help out with damage done by Gustav.
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Today is the end and the beginning

March 26th 2008-more than 21 months since Rodney was called to duty as a National Guard soldier, deployed to train in Mississippi, sent to Iraq as part of a Security Force unit, wounded during a mortar attack, came back to the states and was treated in Georgia for his wounds, came home to receive treatment closer to home while working light duty as a soldier-he becomes a civilian/ regular national guard soldier again. No more medhold-no more wondering when the end is to this part of the story. It is here!!! It has been a long road but we are excited to see what God has planned for our family in this new chapter. Still so much to navigate and so many questions still to be answered-you would think I would have some patience by now!! :)
Please keep us in your prayers. I realized I have never posted what exactly happened the day Rodney was wounded-I have video of a couple of the other soldiers giving their recount but I need to figure out how to get it on my blog. (If you can help me in that area please email me!) I do hope our story/journey thus far has made a difference or helped another military family in some way.
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Thank You To ALL the Veterans!

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all the Veteran's out there-for their service to our country at any and all points in the history of the United States.
The History Channel is running amazing stories today all day to commemorate Veteran's Day which is officially today (but being observed tomorrow the 12th).
Veteran's Day is officially to be celebrated November 11th (11 month, 11th day on the 11th hour).

Happy Veteran's Day!!!
To my husband-Operation Iraqi Freedom (Army and Army National Guard)
To all the Soldiers of the 714th SECFOR Kansas Army National Guard
To my Dad-Navy (peacetime)
To my Grandfather Curtis-WWII-Navy (south pacific)
To my Grandpa Rousselo-WWII-Air Force-statesideThank You for sacrificing and allowing us to live in the land of the FREE!

Please Fly your American flags today and tomorrow and if you are a veteran you and your family can got to a "Golden Corral" restaurant tomorrow (Nov. 12th) for a free meal-check it out on the web.

God Bless all the servicemembers and their families!
Tracy

Another Day at Eisenhower Army Hospital

Rodney and I together during his stay in the hospital Tuesday 10/24/2006
To my surprise this am-it was a COLD walk from the Fisher House over to the hospital-I didn't think Georgia would be COLD! It isn't really what I would call really freezing,can't be outside weather-but it is cold to the residents of Georgia-they are all wearing coats, gloves, scarves and it is about 40 degrees-I didn't even bring a winter coat!

Rodney is supposed to have a couple tests done today to look at the fragment in his heart (that is so weird to even write-very surreal). He is pretty cranky-can't have anything by mouth so he hasn't had his pain meds nor has he eaten and of course they are running behind. Hopefully they will get an IV going here soon with morphine for the pain, they have one in for IV fluids. The procedure should let us know what the fragment is as well as exactly where it is located. So then decisions can be made on if it stays in or comes out. Rodney and I are both pretty much emotional messes right now and the waiting doesn't make it easier. Finally in the afternoon he was taken down and lightly sedated for an echo, another type of echo where he basically had to swallow a small camera and another test he can't even remember. He was very groggy and tired when he got back to the room. One of his Dr.s met with me and basically said they had a difficult time making out the exact location due to the imaging bouncing off the metal so they will be taking him to another facility tomorrow by ambulance to get a 3D image with a different more advanced machine.They are fairly postivie it is a piece of shrapnel though and not a needle port etc.. We do know that if the fragment stays in he will always have to take antibiotics before dental or mouth procedures and never be able to have an MRI (due to the magnetic part).

We had a visitor from the VA stop by to speak with Rodney about benefits and such-but I don't know how much either of us retained especially with so much going on today. I also made a lot of phone calls today:
I finally made the call to see about getting a rental car-I am tired of walking late at night and not being able to go to the PX on my own. I am on a waiting list.
I made a call to the Kansas State benefits director today-Janet Wisdom-waiting for a call back. Hopefully she can shed some light on what we need to do in that area and what Rodney is entitled to. This is a whole new ballgame for us and no one seems to know the rules! I have been trying to get a message to Rodney's commander over in Iraq to give Rodney a call. He really needs to hear from him and get an idea of what happened. He has spoken with one of the other soldiers wounded (he has already left and returned home for convalescence leave). He know some from him as well as remembering bits and pieces. I think he is starting to build a "story" in his head. I have no idea what the emotional toll will be from this for him-they want to focus on the physical before the emotional but I can't see why they aren't able to do both. I have asked for Chaplin's to visit and they have but that has been the only "mental health" assistance we have received so far.

DR. Lundy, one of Rodney's docs, and in my opinion the best one-came in before his heart procedures and was concerned about the high white blood cell count. He looked at all of Rodney's wounds including even the small pieces of shrapnel on his legs, trunk and chest. He found an area on his left leg that looked as he put it "angry" and could be the source of the infection.He did a small surgery right there in the room-so I had a front row seat! He opened up the area and removed a small piece of shrapnel. A little souvenir I guess. He also took of the bandage on his hip wound and took out the gauze-this was the first time I had actually seen how deep it was-to the bone. I was shocked! Rodney is also starting to cough more again -so off to chest xray he goes! He was also started on blood thinners today because of concern of clotting due to the heart issue. He gets it in shot form in is stomach area-ouch!

It has been a really long day-I have watched Rodney sleep and been doing so much thinking. I am so thankful that he is here no matter what shape he is in. He has been thru so much but I don't want to question why him or why us-I just want to go on from here-knowing that the road won't be easy-but learning form the experience and allowing it to help us grow as people and as a couple as well in our faith. At least that is what I hope for..
Going to go over to my room, do some laundry for both of us, call the kids and try to relax and get some sleep. It is so nice to have a place to go that feels like a 'home'.
More later..on the Georgia Experience!
Tracy

Rodney and Army buddies from the 714th SECFOR

On with last year..."he speaks and remembers>>>"

I left off on Sunday 10/15/2006 on the last blog about when my husband was wounded..

Today is Monday, October 16, 2006. It is approx. 10:00 am central time. I spoke with a Mrs. Smith at Family care center in DC this morning and she transferred me to a case manager Sgt. Major Hoot, who was able to speak with me about the logistics of what needs to happen so I can get to wherever Rodney ends up. It seems to get harder and harder every day. I know they have to have a process and I am not not the only one dealing with a wounded family member but so many days have gone by and I feel I know so little. This is what I was told:
1.)Rod still in serious condition
2.)to be able to travel to soldiers beside the dr. has to decide it is best for patient (I have heard this before-sounds crazy huh?)
3.) He will either be going to Eisenhower Medical Center in Augusta, GA or Brooks Army Hospital in Texas.

It is around 12:30 pm. I just called Germany and spoke with the nurse Col. Roder.
She told me the catscan results were normal but she also stated he was still confused and sleepy. She gave me a possible reason for this. TBI (tramatic brain injury). This was scary to hear and the first time there had been discussion of it. She explained that the blast c from the mortar attack causes a concussion of air and would have caused his brain to shake inside his skull. She also stated common and will most likely resolve itself. I asked about sedation-what meds he was still recieving and he was only getting tylenol 3 at this time. She told me he had 2 chest tubes for drainage and that the fragments in the lung were still there. He is still on antibiotics to ward off infection and still dealing with respitory issues. She also told me his route to Germany went this way: 47th CASH at Mosul (FOB hospital) to Balad, Iraq (larger medical facility) to Germany. He has come a long way already!!!

I did speak with Rodney-yeah! He called me....that is a definate improvement!
He called and when I said "HI" he said "Hi good lookin what are you doing"-I beamed.

He told me he had a call from the KS. Adj. General. He was so excited because he understood the General to say that I would be in Georgia when he got there-he would get me there. (Rodney had no idea of the process and what I had been encountering-and I didn't burden him with it). I asked him how he was doing and what he was doing . He said he had just finished eating and "I have been sitting here waiting for you to call"-I thought it was cute-especially since he called me! (this is the 1st time he remembers speaking to me since being wounded). I asked him what he had to eat he said 'Hairy, salty beef with rice" (YUM...but it was solid food-yeah)
I asked if he was watching tv but he said"no but it is on" then he started to get agitated and short with me (the confusion and pain) I did tell him in this conversation about who else was wounded-he had a few questions but for the most part didn't talk much about what happened. We will have plenty of time later. He seemed to be in a great deal of pain, so I told him to ring the nurse and ask for assistance. We said our goodbyes-he is scheduled to leave Germany tommorow and I still haven't heard from the liason who is supposed to know the details of what happens next. (I spoke with a nurse in afternoon-and she got me connected with the liason and he told me to call back in 11 hours-I have to remember we are dealing with a major time difference) I will be so glad for him to get back to US!

I did make a phone call personally to the Adj. General. I wanted to know for sure Rodney had actually spoken with him (confusion I wasn't sure??) and what he had told him. The adj. General was very kind and told me he had told Rodney "he would try and get me to Georgia to be with him" I then told him that he had one of his wounded soldiers in Germany waiting to come home to the states and he believed I would be in Georgia when he got there. He was very gracious and told me he would do what he could (difficult because when guard are deployed they become "property" of federal side so the state side has limited say on anything". He did say he would work on it and get back to me on Tuesday am.

I will be waiting...

(things start to get really crazy in the next day or so.., briefing conference call with liason in Germany at 1;15am my time, then later no one can locate rodney etc..)
More later..when the novel continues
Tracy

More of the story-stil Oct. 14, 2006

(I will try and finish up this really long day and pretty frustrating day.

The nurse from Germany did say one thing that didn't set right with me-when I mentioned Rodney being Army National Guard-His reaction was "OHHH he isn't real army"-what does that mean? They are fighting in the same war, from the same country, they wear the same uniform and they work/fight side-by-side. Not sure what this means in the whole scheme of things but hopefully he still get the same medical treatment!

The Chaplin did come to the house and visited with me and other members of the family. It was a very informational visit and spiritually it helped a great deal.
I really liked him-Chaplin Larry Parrish was one of the first people from the military to show sincere compassion during this process.

Went to Connor's soccer game-he had a really good game and it was great to get out among people for awhile. I got lots of hugs :)
After the game I had a house full again-mostly family. I called Germany to see about having the phone held up to Rodney's ear and was told they couldn't and wouldn't do that-I was told earlier in the day differently-it sent me over the edge.
I got very upset and felt nothing was in my control-I just wanted someone to hear me to know I needed help and everyone was looking at me like I was acting irrational.. I probably was but who wouldn't in a similar situation-my husband was wounded and in a foreign country, I ended up leaving my house to drive around-I recieved a phone call on my cell from a high ranking officer in the KS National Guard (I can't remember his name but I am sure he remembers mine)-Not one of my prouder moments...
The issue was me being able to speak TO my husband even if he was sedated and on a respirator-this person told me there was no way Rodney could hear me-I asked him if he had a medical degree and told him that rank didn't matter to me especially when I felt he was not showing me respect by validating my feelings and hung up on him-I was really in a bad place!
My sister called and did the most amazing thing-she asked me what can I do? Just tell me what you need me to do and what you want to do? I needed that so much!!! Thank you Lisa! By the time I got home everyone but my mom, sister and 2 of my children were home. What did I tell her I wanted? A nap and for someone to man the phones-and only wake me if it was news about Rodney.
I finally did get to talk to my husband 8 hours later (approx. 10:15pm our time) and it was such a gift! He was just off the respirator and it was a pretty one sided conversation but even hearing his voice being raspy was amazing.-He kept falling asleep on the phone but in between kept telling me how much he loved me and the kids and how sorry he was he got hurt.
The one really strange thing he asked was "did you get my letter?" I told him no not yet-I had asked him for so long to write me a letter-he had told me earlier in the week before he was wounded he had written one-but I had no idea he actually had sent it from Iraq (My husband says alot of things just to apease me-LOL). It seemed strange-but even stranger when I realized a few days later he did not remember even talking to me or the kids the first couple times. The mind is a most mysterious place-why did he remember the letter but couldn't tell the nurse who the president was? (I recieved his letter on the following Tuesday-5 days after he was wounded-I will treasure it forever). No matter what the first time speaking to him was a gift and made me believe he would be ok-now I just had to get to him.
To be continued...
Sorry so long-again I hope it makes some sense :.)
T-

Looking back-Friday Oct. 13, 2006

Still more from my little purple journal of knowledge :)

I was called by a Sgt. Major Rubio from the Kansas National Guard. It is my understanding that he is the person that will be serving as my liason from the state, keeping me informed of any changes or developments. He gave me the name of the Chaplin for the KS National Guard to contact.

Friday was pretty much a blur-making phone call,recieving phone calls, informing others, PRAYING, friends and family coming in and out. My friend Tina (and Connor's schools PTO President) brought by an amazing gift from the PTO (gift cards from almost all the resteraunts and the grocery store in town) as well as sandwiches, chips, pop etc..) Our friends the moll's brought by dinner. It feels so good and comforting to know so many care about our family.

I held together fairly well-a few crying spells. My mom was at the house contantly so I was able to take a nap in the afternoon-but I got up in a panic thinking about Rodney and wondering if he is in pain and scared. I know so little about his care and want to be with him so badly. My mom stayed the night-which was so great. No matter how old we get in times like these we need our mama's.:) We watched tv and talked-Connor spent the night with Rodney's parents and Carley went to a planned youth group weekend activity. Taylor was out with friends. Good for all of them to stay busy.

I still don't know anythiong about the incident. I do know that Rodney will most likely be in Germany for up to 3 days and it is about a 6 hour trip from Iraq by transport plane. Everything about this is so surreal-

10/15/2006-so as I look back I can remember still feeling confident that things would be handled smoothly, and I would know soon about the timetable for traveling to be with Rodney as well as what happened to him in Iraq. I am starting to get more agitated and confused as to why his commander went against protocol and did not contact me directly (his wife instead of his parents and sibling). More later...
T-

news article and video

Hi all-
I know it is late and what am I doing up-being the person who works until the job is done...here I am but I promise I am going to bed after this...really

I wanted to add this link-hopefully it works-it is of my husbands units homecoming in August and he was interviewed-pretty cool!

If the link doesn't work-go to Topeka kansas news stations channel 49 and search for national guard homecoming-the unit is the 714th and it was on Aug. 26, 2007.

give it a try...www.49abcnews.com/news/2007/aug/26/national_guardsmen_return_topeka_family

Ok off to bed-glad the kids don't have school tommorow---ZZZZZZ
T-