2010 in the rearview mirror....December!!!

Happy 2011 to all:
I figured I would attempt to go back and look at 2010. It was a year of my life like any other; ups and downs, packing & unpacking,challenges and successes, happiness and sadness, hello's and goodbyes ...well you get it. I hope this will somewhat make-up for not being a faithful blogger :)
 Going backwards from December to January...let's do this thing!

December: The holiday season was here again and once again.. I got off to a late and slow start. I was wrapping all the gifts on Christmas eve, even the ones to be opened in a few short hours. The good was I only went out shopping three times, so except for the reindeer that poops out jellybeans, I didn't not lose any gifts or forget where I hid them. Rodney even remembered the day after Christmas,where he had put the DVD's he had bought for the family..SHREK..yeah! It's how we rock it around here...we just go with it. I actually had a great birthday out and a laid back Christmas.
I received some nice things like my little Shark vaccuum and books! My kids seemed to be appreciative of what they got...which is always nice!
Rodney once again entered treatment on Dec. 28 and will be there for 6 weeks. He seems to be taking everything more seriously and paying attention on coping skills and his triggers. The month of December gave our extended family 2 new baby girls. Rodney's cousin, Anna, had Noelle Ann and my niece Aubrey and her husband Chris, brought my great-niece and the first great-grandchild into the world on Dec. 30th. Harper RaeAnn Davis is the talk of the town and tomorrow I get to go meet her for the first time! I am ubber excited!! Connor and I took a roadtrip to south-east Iowa for New Year's eve to visit my friend Michelle (she is also a wounded vet caregiver) and her family. It was a long trip, but gave Connor and I some one-on-one time...not a bad thing for the mom of a 13 year old. We were each other's captive audience :).  The downside to this December was my Aunt Linda getting seriously sick with liver disease. We thought we were losing her a couple different times, but she is a fighter. Now we are waiting to get her on the liver transplant list. My mom has really stepped up to help get her there as she lives alone and isn't in any shape to being doing that. So like I said ups and downs....but mostly just living life and showing the love by being there for each other.

Trying to Keep Imagining! Tracy

A Connection ...Army Spouse to Army Spouse.

I wanted to share an email I received after a reader found my blog and read it. She then contacted me through email. It was awesome! The reasons I started this blog in October 2007 were many, but the main one being to connect with others in our situation. I was so desperate back then to share information and to gain knowledge.

I have really not been a faithful blogger for some time now. Couple reasons...one I felt like I was being censored by people who felt I was sharing too much, so I guess I gave in.Also I developed a trigger to my secondary PTSD, which was using the computer. I think that happened...sorry I analyze everything...since every since Rodney was deployed the Internet was my lifeline to what was happening over in Iraq as well as when he returned home after being wounded...it was my way of searching, and locating information. I became obsessed and would have anxiety attacks on a normal basis. I had to back away a little...so Facebook became my means of contact with my blogger friends. Ok I am way off subject...

Below is the email letter I received and then responded to. Now I remember why I Blog!

Dear Tracy,

I enjoyed reading your Blog, I found you as a follower of the "Wife of a Wounded Soldier" Blog.

A few days ago I felt compelled to start my own Blog. As the spouse of a combat veteran suffering from PTSD and TBI I realized the unique challenges I face on a daily basis.

I would be honored if you would read my new Blog “The Combat Veteran Spouse - Living in the Shadow of PTSD” I would love to know your thoughts.

http://combatvetspouse.blogspot.com/

The war in Iraq is churning out thousands of young men and women who are returning home changed forever. For those that live with them, the transformation in their loved one can be overwhelming. There is no handbook accompanying the returning veteran, and if there was it would read “Dear spouse……you are now the proud recipient of returning veteran whose mind, body and soul have been changed forever. Forget what you knew about them before they were deployed….oh, and good luck finding a support group near you that deals exclusively in the trials and challenges you are about to face!”


Thank you so much for your time....and please feel free to share this link with others.
Warmest Regards,
D</em>

My response:
Dear D,
I appreciate you contacting as well as reading my blog. I do not keep it as updated as much as I feel I should, but I am thankful it is there when I need it. It was a lifesaver when I needed one within the vast sea of the unknown and craziness of dealing with our "new" normal. I made many great blog friends over the last 2 plus years, who I still keep in touch with through facebook and email. I hope your blog is as therapeutic to you as mine has been to me.

I did go to your blog and read your latest entry. It hit me hard, as I read about the different medications your spouse takes. (We have our list on the fridge just in case we have to grab it for a trip to the ER.) Then I read about the self-medicating with alcohol. That is where I went into my own secondary PTSD mode and most likely why I don't read blogs like I used to. Your situation though is so familiar. You see my husband spent almost 3 months inpatient at the VA for substance abuse, coping and all the other stuff he needed to deal with emotionally. He was diagnosed as bi-polar. He came home a week prior to Christmas and it has been different, I guess I can even say better. It took a long time to get him to this point. Over the last year that was the 2nd time for treatment.. I am hopeful but not stupid. The thing is now I can truly see the extent of the TBI and PTSD which was being masked by the alcohol and over use of his prescription drugs. If he could have controlled the alcohol I wouldn't have been opposed to him using it-he has been through hell. The deal is that due to the alcohol on top of everything else he had gotten 2 DUI's, lost his license, lost his job of 13 years (he is national guard),had major court costs we couldn't afford, was constantly lying, had started acting out and having inappropriate behavior at our son's sporting activities. There was also the anger issues and chaos within our home. So as you can see your post hit me hard.

This was stuff that happened over time but it got to the point I couldn't deal anymore. I am grateful for our time apart and for his recovery. We have a relationship where I am his wife, friend as well as caregiver but I respect him and understand him more now. I don't feel bitter or look for ways to get out of the craziness of the marriage. I had an attitude 180, for that I am thankful.

Thanks for letting me share-I probably should have blogged something like that..LOL. Maybe I will use it. It took strength to reach out to me and I am here if you need an ear.

As you said the military doesn't tell us how to do what we do. The way I have found to find the resources and information is to search like crazy, ask a lot of questions and develop relationships with other wife's with wounded warriors. The Wounded Warrior project and the site www.notalone.com has been to of the best organizations I have found. So I guess what I am saying sharing information and our stories is what we CAN do!

I will follow your blog and feel free to comment or email anytime. As far as your blog goes there is not right or wrong, just write what feels right. Readers will find you. Use the tags at the bottom of each blog entry. Comment on other's blogs. Best of Luck!
Tracy

So I hope you all check out D's blog and keep coming back to mine, your support is so appreciated.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Blog Friends are the Best!

I have read each and every one of the comments left by my wise, supportive, and caring blog friends. I have actually read them more than once. I know everyone has fought their own battles and have current issues in their lives-so many of us deal with depression, health problems, family crisis, loneliness-That what makes it even that more amazing that you are willing to take the time to reach out to me as well as so many others. It is a community that has developed in the blogsphere-one where love, hugs, advice, prayers, tears and laughs are shared freely. I am so blessed and thankful for each and every one of you!

I am listening-I wanted to clarify that the EMDR is a therapy used for PTSD as well as anxiety. Something I have developed from the trauma and issues related to Rodney going to war and being wounded-then all the dealing with the bureaucracy-that being said I do think that my therapist will work with me on "finding" me again. I have also gotten out my Alonon books from the past (never really worked the program). I am considering starting to attend meetings. I need to be with others who have something in common as well as WORK the program-so I can better know how to heal and work on my "stuff".

That is a start! My sister is a great support to me-she has been through this and is one of the lucky ones whose husbands came out on the other side-he has been sober for 3 years know!
So when I describe a feeling-she knows to the letter what I am talking about. I have started to reach out to other friends as well-everyone seems to support the decision to have Rod leave. I know it was the right one. One thing is a common-we are all rooting for Rodney to work this out to get into recovery and be the best person he can be.

Change can only happen when something in the situation changes and breaks the cycle.
I broke the cycle-I still have hope with a lot of work "we" (Rodney and I) are still a possibility but right now I don't know and I have told him nothing is guaranteed. He wasn't happy with that but it is the way things are-he has his stuff to work on and me and the kids do to. We deserve better. I deserve to be loved better.
I have had people ask "Do you think this is his bottom?" my answer is this"I have no real idea-I do know it is my bottom-I have gone as low as I will go with him". Does that make sense?

The newest on him. He did lose his drivers license for a year. Not a good thing and he will have to deal with the consequences of that. He has signed the paperwork for diversion and is supposed to enter in-patient rehab at the VA. Not sure when, but it is a 13 week (not month-oops that would be really like a deployment) program.
Rodney needs this to save his life. We will see what happens after he gets out, until then I will continue to do what I need to do to heal, get healthy physically and emotionally and stay busy.

I did finish with the inside decorating today-can I hear a woot-woot!!!

Taylor and I leave for Oklahoma tomorrow afternoon. She is planning on making some changes in her life, The biggest being moving 5 hours away (she has friends who live near-by) and going to Cosmetology School instead of college. She needs a fresh start-she is 19 and can do that. Nothing holding her back. So we are going to go look at apartments for her and let me see the town-Norman she will be living in. Proud of her but I know I will miss her. She has come a long way in a couple months!

So I will give you more of the scoop on that when we get back-I am excited to get away and the hotel is super nice. Read, watch tv, order room service, Maybe even ....Christmas shop...I will try to enjoy :)
Connor (and Beau)is staying with my mom and step-dad (I am sure he will keep Grandma and Grandpa hopping Connor not Beau :)). Carley is with her dad and has big plans this weekend with friends. She can drive now so getting a ride to events is no longer an issue like it was sometimes before (her dad lives in the next town over).

Happy Weekends to all of you and thanks again for being there for me-I hope I do the same for you!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

media message from soldiers

A couple of Rodney's fellow 714th soldiers did an interview with the media a few months back. They were also having issues with getting "taken care" of properly. Thought I'd Share-
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

The "Wounds from the War" still sneaking up on us

I have spent a great deal of last evening and today contemplating how to approach this particular post. I am taken aback by how I didn't realize how 'much" our lives are changed forever not just because of my husband's scars or medical issues-the repercussion's reach so much deeper than that.

I had posted in a earlier post about my son, Connor and his struggles. I wanted to update on what has been occurring, what we have found our so far and how he is doing.
I need to say that I do not by any means believe my son is a "bad boy'-he is not by any stretch of the imagination. I love this kid who has been such a blessing to me-he has taught me more than I can ever say. He is an awesome soccer goalie, he loves his sisters so much and he is so strong... he has endured so much especially with all that occurred in his short life. He was only a few short weeks past his 9th birthday when his daddy was deployed. He was so sad that day as we all were, but now looking back I realize just how sad he did act. He was sad to the core of his soul as well as most likely so confused. I remember the moment his dad's bus, headed for training in Mississippi, turned the corner and was then out of sight after the send off ceremony. I looked at him and asked if he would like to go and get breakfast-he said "No Mom, I just want to go home"-he looked so defeated.
He wasn't like this most of time during the deployment or even after his dad was wounded-most of the time he was a 9 year old boy who played, tried to annoy his sisters, talked to his dad on the phone and seemed to be doing well for a kid whose dad was deployed, but yet we had no idea what was normal or abnormal. As a family we were just trying to do the best we could in an abnormal situation. I didn't deal well a lot of the time with Rodney being gone or with the idea of him going to war, but I know I tried for my family. I do wish I had had more of a support system in place with others in my same situation close by. I tried to put my kids first always and look for signs or issues. Connor had an amazing 4th grade teacher that made all the difference in the world to him as well as me-I knew she was watching out for him. I put together videos and slideshows for Rodney and included what the kids were doing and even taped them talking to him. After Rodney was wounded life got really messy and complicated-there was nothing close to normal except we did have to live our lives day in and day out like everyone else: we had holiday celebrations, the kids had their activities,my oldest was preparing to graduate and go to college and Rodney was healing. But ... I missed seeing Connor's pain-I looked and he had behavior issues at home but nothing really new-just Connor (he has always had a high need for attention :)- So now I realize when we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not every waking moment is spent thinking about some aspect of our situation-BOOM... My Son's feelings, worries, fear and pain come out full force-and I didn't see it coming.

He is now under the care of a dr. whom is doing tests. He saw a counselor whom I have been seeing myself and he finally opened up and said this is what is going on:
He was so scared for so long and he is mad at all that happened. He had no control-so his "PTSD" is just now manifesting itself in inappropriate behavior, anger and difficulties in school. I cannot imagine what has been going on in his head-he had to feel so alone and confused. Now he is heading into pre-teenhood and he has so many feelings and emotions he cannot cope. So now we know-and another part of the journey has begun. We as his parents know we have to be so much more diligent than we have been in being there for him even when he pushes us away and to keep him talking to counselors,etc.. We will do whatever it takes to help him..and he does know that. Last night he said to me with a SMILE on his face..."Mom, I feel so much better after talking to (Micheal) the counselor-I feel happier." that all I want for him to be happy-for him to know he is loved and he is special and people do care, God cares and he will be ok!
I know we will always have things come up and we will wonder is this related to the 'war" experience-but all families have their own "chaos" to deal with right? We will survive this and so will Connor with the help we have set up as well as from us being more aware and focused.

That is a step in the right direction.... Put prayers for good things to happen for Connor and for him to feel it is ok to be a kid and enjoy life would be a good thing. He has had to do without because of financial issues and other priorities, sometimes I am sure he felt forgotten-I truly wish I could say yes we can go to Toys-R-Us and buy you that toy-but for now I can't. He is to young to worry about so many adult issues. He is a child wounded by war and he doesn't even live near a war zone. He is one of the little "heros". (don't tell him I said he was little :).
I wish I could fix it all for him as well as my husband,and our daughters but I am doing all I can do. Please pray financially things turn around for us-we need that so much to move forward and go on with our plan for our life. I appreciate all that have shown their love and support thru this last week or so on this site as well as others-It has made a difference. As I have said before I love to hear from you....

Thanks for listening
Love to all
Mother of Connor a brave and amazing young man.
Tracy