A Connection ...Army Spouse to Army Spouse.

I wanted to share an email I received after a reader found my blog and read it. She then contacted me through email. It was awesome! The reasons I started this blog in October 2007 were many, but the main one being to connect with others in our situation. I was so desperate back then to share information and to gain knowledge.

I have really not been a faithful blogger for some time now. Couple reasons...one I felt like I was being censored by people who felt I was sharing too much, so I guess I gave in.Also I developed a trigger to my secondary PTSD, which was using the computer. I think that happened...sorry I analyze everything...since every since Rodney was deployed the Internet was my lifeline to what was happening over in Iraq as well as when he returned home after being wounded...it was my way of searching, and locating information. I became obsessed and would have anxiety attacks on a normal basis. I had to back away a little...so Facebook became my means of contact with my blogger friends. Ok I am way off subject...

Below is the email letter I received and then responded to. Now I remember why I Blog!

Dear Tracy,

I enjoyed reading your Blog, I found you as a follower of the "Wife of a Wounded Soldier" Blog.

A few days ago I felt compelled to start my own Blog. As the spouse of a combat veteran suffering from PTSD and TBI I realized the unique challenges I face on a daily basis.

I would be honored if you would read my new Blog “The Combat Veteran Spouse - Living in the Shadow of PTSD” I would love to know your thoughts.

http://combatvetspouse.blogspot.com/

The war in Iraq is churning out thousands of young men and women who are returning home changed forever. For those that live with them, the transformation in their loved one can be overwhelming. There is no handbook accompanying the returning veteran, and if there was it would read “Dear spouse……you are now the proud recipient of returning veteran whose mind, body and soul have been changed forever. Forget what you knew about them before they were deployed….oh, and good luck finding a support group near you that deals exclusively in the trials and challenges you are about to face!”


Thank you so much for your time....and please feel free to share this link with others.
Warmest Regards,
D</em>

My response:
Dear D,
I appreciate you contacting as well as reading my blog. I do not keep it as updated as much as I feel I should, but I am thankful it is there when I need it. It was a lifesaver when I needed one within the vast sea of the unknown and craziness of dealing with our "new" normal. I made many great blog friends over the last 2 plus years, who I still keep in touch with through facebook and email. I hope your blog is as therapeutic to you as mine has been to me.

I did go to your blog and read your latest entry. It hit me hard, as I read about the different medications your spouse takes. (We have our list on the fridge just in case we have to grab it for a trip to the ER.) Then I read about the self-medicating with alcohol. That is where I went into my own secondary PTSD mode and most likely why I don't read blogs like I used to. Your situation though is so familiar. You see my husband spent almost 3 months inpatient at the VA for substance abuse, coping and all the other stuff he needed to deal with emotionally. He was diagnosed as bi-polar. He came home a week prior to Christmas and it has been different, I guess I can even say better. It took a long time to get him to this point. Over the last year that was the 2nd time for treatment.. I am hopeful but not stupid. The thing is now I can truly see the extent of the TBI and PTSD which was being masked by the alcohol and over use of his prescription drugs. If he could have controlled the alcohol I wouldn't have been opposed to him using it-he has been through hell. The deal is that due to the alcohol on top of everything else he had gotten 2 DUI's, lost his license, lost his job of 13 years (he is national guard),had major court costs we couldn't afford, was constantly lying, had started acting out and having inappropriate behavior at our son's sporting activities. There was also the anger issues and chaos within our home. So as you can see your post hit me hard.

This was stuff that happened over time but it got to the point I couldn't deal anymore. I am grateful for our time apart and for his recovery. We have a relationship where I am his wife, friend as well as caregiver but I respect him and understand him more now. I don't feel bitter or look for ways to get out of the craziness of the marriage. I had an attitude 180, for that I am thankful.

Thanks for letting me share-I probably should have blogged something like that..LOL. Maybe I will use it. It took strength to reach out to me and I am here if you need an ear.

As you said the military doesn't tell us how to do what we do. The way I have found to find the resources and information is to search like crazy, ask a lot of questions and develop relationships with other wife's with wounded warriors. The Wounded Warrior project and the site www.notalone.com has been to of the best organizations I have found. So I guess what I am saying sharing information and our stories is what we CAN do!

I will follow your blog and feel free to comment or email anytime. As far as your blog goes there is not right or wrong, just write what feels right. Readers will find you. Use the tags at the bottom of each blog entry. Comment on other's blogs. Best of Luck!
Tracy

So I hope you all check out D's blog and keep coming back to mine, your support is so appreciated.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Stepping Outside the Normal

Last evening a monumantal event occured in my life. Nothing with balloons or fireworks, just me walking into a classroom full of other students and taking a seat. I STARTED GRAD SCHOOL! I was anxious and actually a few minutes late due to traffic but I made it and I am so excited for this experience. Studying to get my Master's in Social Welfare feels so right! I am so sure about something for the first time in a long time. The challenge of school and knowing I will someday be a part of the change in something I am passionate about... makes me smile. One of those hu ge SMILES that probably make others wonder what I have been up to :) I am looking forward to getting to know my fellow students and instructors. This is good! This something I own..the military can't take away or complicate. When I am there I am not defined by what has happened to me but can allow my life experiences to assist me in my studies and expand on and share.
Can you tell I am EXCITED?? So this new part of my life is a great new normal! I can't wait to see what is next...
PS Since May I have lost 25 pounds...feeling better everyday and loving moving down sizes. A lot more to go but taking it slow and learning to eat healthy.
I hope all of you out there are doing well...I am working on getting back into blogging-so much has happened both good and bad....but I will save that for another day.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sharing Feedback

My husband Rodney received this from a person who was a teacher in our high school up until a few years ago. He has kept in contact with Rodney over the years. He sent it to Rod after listening to my podcast on NotAlone. He is a very kind man, and it made me especially proud that someone who had been my English teacher so many years ago was impressed with what I had to say! It is nice to be acknowledged...wanted to share :)



"I listened to the whole thing. I am heartbroken for what you deal with daily. I am so impressed with Tracy. She is an incredible woman and a valiant fighter for you. There has never been any doubt that you are the love of her life. And, there is nothing she won't do or sacrifice for you. You are so blessed to have her. She is truly your gift from God."


Also one of his fellow soldiers who worked along side him during his 15 months on med hold. She also made me feel what I have been doing and continue to do is the right thing to do! She wrote the following...

"how powerful is that! I feel guilty now for giving up on my ex husband. However, wow, i listened and it had me in tears and swallowing hard. VERY GOOD way to get this out and she will CHANGE THE SYSTEM. It might not happen tomorrow. You will both change it. Maybe not completely; the more your voices are heard, the more power you have to make changes. I bet you are proud of her for making that blog and this recordings!"



Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

In Audio...

I wanted to let you know I checked out the http://www.notalone.com/ site last night and our story in my own words (with a lot of editing on their part..thank goodness...so not alot of ummms in between words). Rodney and I listened to it together last night. It sounds ok..so now you will know what my voice sounds like...weird to me! :) As the storyteller of our journey, I pray it will help some other spouse or family.

The entire site is amazing but to listen to our journey in words go to Battling the System for Your Warrior

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

PS I was accepted to the Master's program for social welfare starting in August 2009..My first step to being in the system to help families of wounded warriors as a social worker!

In a Holding Pattern and Feeling Defeated

I haven't wrote much about our life now and how we are dealing with being a family with a "wounded solider"? Where are we in the process? How does this still affect us on a daily basis? What could still happen? Have we been forgotten and do we have all the information and resources available? Is the system for wounded warriors working any better? These are all such emotional topics for me to tackle especially when I don't even know what questions to ask anymore nor who even to ask.
What I do know (or think I know?)---Rodney's situation is this: he is still on Medhold-which means he is still being treated by doctor's for his injuries or symptoms due to the mortar attack, as of today we are at least looking until June 2008. There are many issues still unresolved. He hasn't been released nor has he been rated for his injuries for any sort of disability from the military or VA. He is still considered on active duty with orders from the federal govt. so he is being paid by the Department of Defense. While he is on Medhold he can't be promoted. He can't go back to his civilian job which actually pays more. (there are actually a lot of can't do's) He is part of the Kansas National Guard but not to the point where they have any say over what happens to him in the system-he is commanded by the unit that handles medhold out of Ft. Robinson, in Arkansas where he spent 3 days in Dec. 2006. He works at the armoury close to home but they aren't in charge of him really either. So essentially we as a family of a wounded solider are out here in limbo. He is supposed to be a part of programs like AW2 (wounded warrior)but that hasn't happened. We were told that we qualified last summer??After countless phone calls and emails no response. We have been ignored and avoided more often than not...It is emotionally exhausting as well as confusing. Sometimes I think parts of the system think we will give up since it is so time consuming and so difficult to navigate thru. I am sure many do give up.
Soooo what happens when we need answers to a question or for that matter any kind of assistance. Well we start asking and calling whomever will listen. We get forgotten or passed over a lot. We have been promised many times results or actions that didn't happen. I have said so many times to people I just wish people would do their JOBS! I am so pessimistic about when someone offers help or advice and I hate being like that. It is now to the point that I really don't want anything to do with the Army. I will admit I am so distrustful. At one point I wanted to make a difference-to somehow fix the system. I don't think that is even possible most days. I just don't understand-why does it all have to be so hard! We have never been sent to a support group for wounded warrior families nor do we know if one even exists.We don't have a peer group or others to turn to to say hey what did you do??? We are struggling as a couple but do not really know where to turn other than the private sector for counseling but that doesn't always take in the 'military factor's of our unique situation. I know Rodney is a solider and he did what he did because he is patriotic. I have stood by him through this 24/7 and am very proud of his sacrifices but I believe we deserve more as a family-not recognition, nor parades or ceremonies-we deserve a system that takes care of our needs that are based on the sacrifices he made as well as the other four of us. We deserve to know what is going on. We deserve the emotional support in so many ways. We deserve fair disability pay. We have had so many groups, organizations, and individuals step up throughout this last 15 months-and we wouldn't have made it without them.We are so thankful, grateful and humbled. These organizations are taxed though-there are so many others seeking their help. We have pretty much exhausted our resources. We have exhausted ourselves. Our family is starting to sink, to drown and to suffer with no where to turn. I don't understand how the military can continue to stand back and watch the families of the wounded destroyed.

But it is happening to us...we are losing the battle...we are growing apart so I ask for help from Rodney's case manager whom is in Arkansas. The topic is private but I will say it is something that took me a lot of courage to call about. Rodney didn't want the help but I know it was needed. She was the one I turned to for the first time about a very important family matter-she basically said the Army couldn't help-we were on our own. So what now??? I have no idea other than praying (which never hurts :))-and getting on with my life without the Army as much as I can?? It hurts too bad to be constantly disappointed in system that is supposed to be there. At least that is how I feel? Army Strong...Not so sure!
Sorry to be do negative but I needed to get it out and let you all know what the system looks like and how there is so much room for improvement.
I suppose this all sounds like ranting and raving-maybe even selfish and ungrateful.
If that is the impression-you have not been in my shoes-and I wouldn't want you to have to be. If you are then you do know and I would love to hear from you.
I really need to know we are not alone-I am not alone as the only national guard wife of a wounded solider on medhold!
So our holding pattern continues but I hope every day to be able to take control of my own life in some way so as not to be defeated. I will admit sometimes I don't want any part of this all anymore.All I know is I am so tired of spinning my wheels and getting no where. I guess for today I do give up...Hopefully tommorow I will feel differently and feel up to fighting the fight for us!

I will try to Keep Imagining and praying (please do the same for all of us in this situation)Thanks for listening!
Tracy

The Georgia-Fort Gordon Experience-day one

Sat. October 21, 2006 As I said in my last post I finally made it to Georgia and I am finally where I need to be. It feels like such a relief to finally be able to totally concentrate on Rodney and his care.

I spent the night in the recliner-so not the best sleep-with nurses in and out all night (doing their job!) They were all kind and apologized every time they had to turn on the light. I told them that I wanted them to do whatever it took to take the best care of Rod. The medical staff was very informative and answered my questions with respect and understanding. I just liked being able to open my eyes and look over and see Rod. Sometime in the am I left to go over to the Fisher House to catch a short nap, shower and unpack. It was a nice day and about a 10 minute walk.

I came back over to the hospital around lunchtime and went to the cafeteria and ate. That is one thing that would be really nice-is if they could figure out a way to serve meals in the patients room for the caregiver also.(the cafeteria had really strange and short hours) My meal were all paid for though, so that was a blessing.
Rodney was eating really well and said the food was good. He had lost a great deal of weight in a short period of time, so I loved to see him eating and getting his strength back. He was in pain still so he was still recieivng morphine. Dr. said he wouldn't heal as fast dealing with pain.

I did get the ok from the nurses to take Rodney outside in a wheelchair-it was the first time he had been outside in fresh air for over a week. We weren't out there to long-he got tired easily, but he seemed to enjoy it (except for the wheelies!whoo!-just kidding:)- We spent sometime talking-about what he could remember about his experience, what I had been doing to get to him and how the kids were doing. I had brought cards from many well wishers and we were receiving phone calls from family throughout the day.
We also had some very nice people from the 352nd out of Macon, Georgia call or visit us. We were a little confused at first-but soon figured out that the 353nd was the Battalion command Rodney's unit was under in Iraq. It was so awesome to have people show such kindness and sincere concern-good old fashioned southern care and hospitality. We even heard from the battalion commanders wife Julie Eveker-she called to check on us a few times as well as stopped by. The Family Assistance Group along with Mr. Joe Dingle made sure we were well taken care of and had all we needed in our home away from home for 12 days. I made a very special friend whose husband was the 1st SGT,of the battalion over in Iraq.She came t Rodney's room as a total stranger but we soon clicked and I felt so much better having someone to talk to. She hauled me around for the first few days until I got a rental car. She took me to the PX to shop-very cool and great therapy. I bought Rodney some clothing-shorts, jacket,t-shirt, magazines, and a gameboy as well as some stuff for myself!!She even came and brought me food one night because I missed dinner in the cafeteria. Pamela you were a godsend and will always hold a special place in my memories of Georgia.

We had doctors, chaplin's, case workers, social workers and volunteers from many organizations visiting us throughout the day (and entire time we were there).
I must say I felt very cared for as very thankful Rodney had such a good team taking care of him. He did start getting up to go the short distance to the restroom and took an actual shower. Moving in the right direction. He was complaining of his heel hurting and wanted me to rub it. I took a look at it-thinking it was probably no big deal. I realized from my experience from previous jobs in a nursing home situation-he was having skin breakdown on his heal-(most likely from the 10 hour flight from Germany). I told the doctor and he was concerned and put a special boot on him-he said skin can start to break down in only 2 hours in the same position-and can lead to some pretty nasty situations if left untreated. So I served as the advocate like I knew he needed!!!

I stayed pretty late at the hospital but wanted to sleep in my bed at Fisher House-but I soon found out that transportation on Fort Gordon was not a easy task. I called for a cab and waited for a hour-no show even after a couple calls. so I ended up going back up to the floor where the kind nurses called security for me and had them take me to the Fisher House. (the walk was very dark across parking lots-Rodney was concerned for my safety)

We had a full day so it felt good to actually sleep in a comfy bed and know I was able to go back to the hospital at a moments notice. The Fisher House is an amazing place by the way!!! I am thinking Georgia is also the best place on earth right now.

More later...
Finally in Georgia-a beautiful place
Tracy

Looking back-Friday Oct. 13, 2006

Still more from my little purple journal of knowledge :)

I was called by a Sgt. Major Rubio from the Kansas National Guard. It is my understanding that he is the person that will be serving as my liason from the state, keeping me informed of any changes or developments. He gave me the name of the Chaplin for the KS National Guard to contact.

Friday was pretty much a blur-making phone call,recieving phone calls, informing others, PRAYING, friends and family coming in and out. My friend Tina (and Connor's schools PTO President) brought by an amazing gift from the PTO (gift cards from almost all the resteraunts and the grocery store in town) as well as sandwiches, chips, pop etc..) Our friends the moll's brought by dinner. It feels so good and comforting to know so many care about our family.

I held together fairly well-a few crying spells. My mom was at the house contantly so I was able to take a nap in the afternoon-but I got up in a panic thinking about Rodney and wondering if he is in pain and scared. I know so little about his care and want to be with him so badly. My mom stayed the night-which was so great. No matter how old we get in times like these we need our mama's.:) We watched tv and talked-Connor spent the night with Rodney's parents and Carley went to a planned youth group weekend activity. Taylor was out with friends. Good for all of them to stay busy.

I still don't know anythiong about the incident. I do know that Rodney will most likely be in Germany for up to 3 days and it is about a 6 hour trip from Iraq by transport plane. Everything about this is so surreal-

10/15/2006-so as I look back I can remember still feeling confident that things would be handled smoothly, and I would know soon about the timetable for traveling to be with Rodney as well as what happened to him in Iraq. I am starting to get more agitated and confused as to why his commander went against protocol and did not contact me directly (his wife instead of his parents and sibling). More later...
T-