Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Women...I can't figure them out???

UGH!!!!! *&^$#*&^!@*+"? (cursing!!!)

I have been feeling like I am back in High School lately. I did it once and that was more than enough. The experience of dealing with girls/ladies/grown women can be challenging and very confusing to me. Seems weird since I am one of them???

I recently became part of a crazy weird situation and now feel ostrasized for a reason I am not sure of. I don't think I did anything but I apprently pissed them off in some way or I am not possibly good enough to be their friend (yeah right).

After everything that has happened in my family's world in the last three years these were the people who were supposed to understand and be there to support each other. It is so insane, but I can't get it out of my head. I want to know what has happened and if it is a misunderstanding straighten it out and if not know where I stand so I can be there in my own defense. It is so disheartening. Women can be so petty and mean!

Trying to Keep Imagining!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas 2009 ...is over!

I cannot believe that Christmas has come and gone for another year BUT....I am so thrilled it is!!!

Actually I did not enjoy the time leading up to Christmas at all this year. I just never got into the spirit of the season. I waited until the week of to shop, didn't put up the tree and decorations until 2 days prior to Christmas, and saved the wrapping until Christmas Eve. I kept waiting to feel like singing "Jingle Bells" or to get excited about seeing my kids opening their gifts I had shopped for.
I do so miss the days when we counted down the days, the kids wrote multiple lists to Santa and I shopped for the perfect gift to hear them squeal on Christmas morning. We have our traditions and the kids still want to take part in some of them but I just had to force myself to do it all. I did enjoy Christmas Eve with my family at my mom's house and Christmas was enjoyable, but nothing like I would have liked it to be. The best events of the holiday was seeing my nephew Ethan who flew in from San Diego (he moves there in August) and seeing Connor open up his footie jammies I thought he would hate and freak out about, but no he absolutly was over-joyed!

I have many theories as to why I didn't "catch the holiday fever"...

1.) Rodney was in the VA for 2 1/2 months getting PTSD and dealing with some emotional demons from the war. It was the best place for him, but I was very lonely and overwhelmed with dealing with everything. The idea of Christmas on top of it all was more than I could really deal with?? He didn't come home until the 18th, then I had help but I felt rushed. It was good to have a partner though and he actually did more shopping with me this year than anytime in the last 13 years!

2.) My kids don't really need anything nor did I or Rodney. The lists I did get were shocking at first since they were so specific. I felt like no matter what I would disapoint one of them. They seemed so ungrateful and I sure didn't expect any squeals. I felt like a failure as a mom-how did I raise these children who didn't seem to understand the true reason for the season and were more concerned about what they were getting as opposed to giving. Taylor did surprise me by buying gifts for each of us with her full-time job money. The traditions we kept like the opening of the ornaments and P.J.'s Christmas Eve...but they totally forgot about putting baby Jesus in the nativity scene and singing Happy Birthday Jesus.

3.)So maybe since the last couple years we haven't been involved in church. I know I need that and Rodney had that in the VA so I will work on that in 2010. Whether the kids think they need it as teens and young adults-I am not sure , but I think if we are to bring God back into our everyday life....it will help...it has to!

4.) I am so tired of living in this place..this duplex...where all the bad memories exist. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a roof over my head...I am-We just need a bigger place for the 5 of us. We need a place for the kids to have friends over, we need a place for Rodney to be able to do his crafts and have a place to de-compress. His dr. said he needs that to stay in a good place, and I want that for him, I want that for our family, so we can move on.

Which I quess all adds up to me just wanting to get on with life, for my family to work together and get counseling so not only will Rodney heal we will as well...
I personally have made personal changes losing weight, getting healthier and going back to school. My hope for next year's holidays I want a family who is happy and in a better place physically and emotionally, THEN I will be singing "Jingle Bells"...over and over!

Trying to Keep Imagining!