Blog Friends are the Best!

I have read each and every one of the comments left by my wise, supportive, and caring blog friends. I have actually read them more than once. I know everyone has fought their own battles and have current issues in their lives-so many of us deal with depression, health problems, family crisis, loneliness-That what makes it even that more amazing that you are willing to take the time to reach out to me as well as so many others. It is a community that has developed in the blogsphere-one where love, hugs, advice, prayers, tears and laughs are shared freely. I am so blessed and thankful for each and every one of you!

I am listening-I wanted to clarify that the EMDR is a therapy used for PTSD as well as anxiety. Something I have developed from the trauma and issues related to Rodney going to war and being wounded-then all the dealing with the bureaucracy-that being said I do think that my therapist will work with me on "finding" me again. I have also gotten out my Alonon books from the past (never really worked the program). I am considering starting to attend meetings. I need to be with others who have something in common as well as WORK the program-so I can better know how to heal and work on my "stuff".

That is a start! My sister is a great support to me-she has been through this and is one of the lucky ones whose husbands came out on the other side-he has been sober for 3 years know!
So when I describe a feeling-she knows to the letter what I am talking about. I have started to reach out to other friends as well-everyone seems to support the decision to have Rod leave. I know it was the right one. One thing is a common-we are all rooting for Rodney to work this out to get into recovery and be the best person he can be.

Change can only happen when something in the situation changes and breaks the cycle.
I broke the cycle-I still have hope with a lot of work "we" (Rodney and I) are still a possibility but right now I don't know and I have told him nothing is guaranteed. He wasn't happy with that but it is the way things are-he has his stuff to work on and me and the kids do to. We deserve better. I deserve to be loved better.
I have had people ask "Do you think this is his bottom?" my answer is this"I have no real idea-I do know it is my bottom-I have gone as low as I will go with him". Does that make sense?

The newest on him. He did lose his drivers license for a year. Not a good thing and he will have to deal with the consequences of that. He has signed the paperwork for diversion and is supposed to enter in-patient rehab at the VA. Not sure when, but it is a 13 week (not month-oops that would be really like a deployment) program.
Rodney needs this to save his life. We will see what happens after he gets out, until then I will continue to do what I need to do to heal, get healthy physically and emotionally and stay busy.

I did finish with the inside decorating today-can I hear a woot-woot!!!

Taylor and I leave for Oklahoma tomorrow afternoon. She is planning on making some changes in her life, The biggest being moving 5 hours away (she has friends who live near-by) and going to Cosmetology School instead of college. She needs a fresh start-she is 19 and can do that. Nothing holding her back. So we are going to go look at apartments for her and let me see the town-Norman she will be living in. Proud of her but I know I will miss her. She has come a long way in a couple months!

So I will give you more of the scoop on that when we get back-I am excited to get away and the hotel is super nice. Read, watch tv, order room service, Maybe even ....Christmas shop...I will try to enjoy :)
Connor (and Beau)is staying with my mom and step-dad (I am sure he will keep Grandma and Grandpa hopping Connor not Beau :)). Carley is with her dad and has big plans this weekend with friends. She can drive now so getting a ride to events is no longer an issue like it was sometimes before (her dad lives in the next town over).

Happy Weekends to all of you and thanks again for being there for me-I hope I do the same for you!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Desperately Seeking Me!

I feel lost.



My mind and body feel as if they are moving in slow motion.



My emotions are raw and confused. I don't know how to express myself , all the words have been used up or have been said so many times before they have lost their definition.



I try to push past that layer that is keeping me from being who I want to be again. I don't really think I have any idea anymore. I have become someone who I don't recognize-body or soul.



Nothing is making any sense-the snow, the shopping, the Christmas music on the radio, decorating, .... My heart is broken -what is there to celebrate? I push past the thoughts and just do what I need to do. I never get it all done-never! I have a plan each day to accomplish-most of the time I fail to reach my goals. Why is everything so hard?



I know what depression is-this is different. This is being lonely,easily distracted, sad, dying to be loved like I need to be loved, needing to forgive myself and love myself once more-I guess I am grieving. For what I fought so hard for. Maybe.



I have hope that with time I will develop into a closer version of myself who finds happiness and contentment, a sense of accomplishment and confidence to live again no matter what happens outside myself. I am looking, seeking me-I hope I find her.



LOOKING FOR: The new improved Tracy who doesn't need to take on the world, fight everyone else's battles, who find her creative side again, the me who loves being loved and giving love, but can love herself even without it, the women who can find joy and breathe, someone who just lives each day without worrying if time is running out or waiting for the good times to come-hopefully with healing will come more self-awareness. I want to feel serene, I want to smile, I want to feel happy all the way to my toes-

I don't want to feel like the world can be ripped out from underneath me at any second. I don't want to feel like I need a person even when he has hurt me. What is that? I know something like co-dependency-maybe! Does it really need a name-it is what it is and so many of us have done it. Why? I can still love him and not live with him for now, but why do I still feel this need to connect with him? Why do I need him?
I get so mad at myself!



Probably sounds like a lot of rambling but that pretty much how my thought processes are working right now-I am calm but feel any second I could cry. Nights are the most difficult.



I am just going to keep putting one foot in front of another. I did finally find a counselor who does the type of therapy recommended to me. It is called EMDR. I have that glimmer of hope that it will help me deal with the anxiety-which will be a huge starting place. Let the healing begin and pray that I am open to it.



Thanks for sticking with me the support from my blog is sometimes what get me through the day.

I will try and post tomorrow about the little trip Taylor and I are taking this weekend!


Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy