Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Desperately Seeking Me!

I feel lost.

My mind and body feel as if they are moving in slow motion.

My emotions are raw and confused. I don't know how to express myself , all the words have been used up or have been said so many times before they have lost their definition.

I try to push past that layer that is keeping me from being who I want to be again. I don't really think I have any idea anymore. I have become someone who I don't recognize-body or soul.

Nothing is making any sense-the snow, the shopping, the Christmas music on the radio, decorating, .... My heart is broken -what is there to celebrate? I push past the thoughts and just do what I need to do. I never get it all done-never! I have a plan each day to accomplish-most of the time I fail to reach my goals. Why is everything so hard?

I know what depression is-this is different. This is being lonely,easily distracted, sad, dying to be loved like I need to be loved, needing to forgive myself and love myself once more-I guess I am grieving. For what I fought so hard for. Maybe.

I have hope that with time I will develop into a closer version of myself who finds happiness and contentment, a sense of accomplishment and confidence to live again no matter what happens outside myself. I am looking, seeking me-I hope I find her.

LOOKING FOR: The new improved Tracy who doesn't need to take on the world, fight everyone else's battles, who find her creative side again, the me who loves being loved and giving love, but can love herself even without it, the women who can find joy and breathe, someone who just lives each day without worrying if time is running out or waiting for the good times to come-hopefully with healing will come more self-awareness. I want to feel serene, I want to smile, I want to feel happy all the way to my toes-

I don't want to feel like the world can be ripped out from underneath me at any second. I don't want to feel like I need a person even when he has hurt me. What is that? I know something like co-dependency-maybe! Does it really need a name-it is what it is and so many of us have done it. Why? I can still love him and not live with him for now, but why do I still feel this need to connect with him? Why do I need him?
I get so mad at myself!

Probably sounds like a lot of rambling but that pretty much how my thought processes are working right now-I am calm but feel any second I could cry. Nights are the most difficult.

I am just going to keep putting one foot in front of another. I did finally find a counselor who does the type of therapy recommended to me. It is called EMDR. I have that glimmer of hope that it will help me deal with the anxiety-which will be a huge starting place. Let the healing begin and pray that I am open to it.

Thanks for sticking with me the support from my blog is sometimes what get me through the day.

I will try and post tomorrow about the little trip Taylor and I are taking this weekend!

Trying to Keep Imagining!


Ness said...

Tracy, by getting out of bed each day and seeing the counselor you are make ENORMOUS strides! You do what you can get done for Christmas and let the rest go. Make the memories with the kids...Rodney is a big boy and he has to help himself on this one. Don't let him take Christmas away from you. You do what you need to do to make it through the holiday for the kids. This Christmas doesn't have to look like any Christmases past...the best thing you've got going for you is that you and the kids have each other. Let them in on the planning of the holiday that will be a little different this year. Rodney chose his lifestyle at this moment and you have chosen yours. You can make it. I'm praying for you daily and know that those kids will have a wonderful Christmas because of you. Let me know if you need to talk.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

YES to what ness said... and it might be worth while to check out the local Alanon group they are a wonderful support as well.
and of course you have my number and are welcome to call it when ever you need to!

Dana said...

It all takes time. Just keep doing what you are doing! I am glad you got the therapist that you were looking for. It will make a huge difference!

I agree with Ness, do what you can and don't stress about what you haven't done. Enjoy your time with the kids!

jojo said...

I agree with Ness...she is so wise and well-spoken!
Some days I have a to-do list that has one thing one it. Get out of bed. Often times that is all I can do for that day. Try to give yourself a break and not expect so much of you all the time. Everything that matters will get done and the's just not that important. You are there for your kids now be there for you.
I'm so glad you found the counselor---give it a chance---I don't think it will be easy at all but you said this was different than depression so you may have to go about it in a different way for it to work. Am I making any sense here??? (I feel like i'm rambling).
You would be surprised at how often I think of you and keep you in my prayers. Hang in there Tracy...I'm so glad to have found you my bloggy is one of the best Christmas presents I could have gotten. ;)

Sabi said...


This is the first time i am visiting your blog & I love the Title of your blog A priceless Journey. When I read some of your article I understand why you have chcose this blog name.

God Bless You

Tonjia said...

Tracy you are grieving! you have suffered a loss, and one that is of huge proportions. Being able to grieve shows that you have coping mechanisms and that you will work through this.

One of the most intense feelings that I had to work through when I went through a breakup and later a divorce was one of failure. I felt like I had failed everyone, my family, Breanna and myself. It wasnt easy, but I survived and so can you.

PLEASE use this blog as a means of catharsis, somewhere to vent, put down your feelings or just to communicate with those of us who are going to be here to help support you.

Gain your strength from us...

The Muse said...

Hello my new friend, Tracy, yes, seek out help! We are here to listen and to offer long distance inspiration, but you really need to have a closer circle, a tangible one for support...I am glad you are doing that.

Please know that you are not alone...happy outward smiles do not always mean that there are smiles underneath.

None of us are super human...we all have losses, doubts, faults and frailties....I am seeing many of my own this Christmas...but I have made a resolution...not to get it all done...but to arise from the bed each day and simply...
If you do that...then you have truly won a victory ! :)

Always thinking of you,
The Muse