Thursday, December 4, 2008

Name calling!

Definition from Wikipedia of WHITE TRASH:
White trash is a pejorative term targeted at lower social class white people with poor prospects and/or low levels of education. To call someone white trash is to accuse a white person of being economically, educationally and/or culturally bankrupt. White trash should be differentiated from the more socially acceptable term Redneck, as each has a unique historical etymology and context in modern usage. While white trash is most commonly used as a pejorative, low- to middle-income rural whites often self-identify as rednecks.

Why in the world would I be posting starting out with a definition about White Trash???

Actually never thought I would, but when there has been words said insinuating to the fact that I am white trash I get a little curious as to what the exact definition is. Wouldn't you?
I have my own ideas-never would call someone that-it would be hurtful don't you think?
So I turn to wikipedia which never lets me down (unlike people who I thought actually cared about me and my kids)!-Do I sound bitter?? I think I might be just a tad??

I know I am being vague so lets just put it out there...comments appreciated!

I want to say upfront I respect my husband for being a soldier and for his sacrifices.
I have always stuck by his decision to serve and do what I had to do to keep this family going in his absence and after he was hurt. Did I fight for him? Hell yeah! I would do it again in the right circumstances. Thing is just because someone does something brave and has a purple heart doesn't give them privilege to treat others badly. So I am not trashing Rodney I am just trying to tell our story which includes some of the things below that just happen to be part of it.

12/03/2008 Last night was not a good night at my house but pretty par for the course as of late.
I haven't mentioned it because I felt it was my job to deal with and fix the situation.
Rodney has been having many issues including alcohol abuse-he has had a DUI in the last couple months. Said that was life changing-guess not enough to make him stop. He has been working with a friend of ours who is an attorney, but not to the point where he is actually fully communicating with her. He is supposed to be getting treatment-has stopped and started.
He decided to seek it through the VA and has talked about going inpatient. I believe that is what he needs but it is his choice-his deal. Well yesterday I get the mail and open it-it said he was losing his license to drive for a year?? I called him at work and of course none of it was his fault-so the old not owning up to his mistakes and taking care of them-Don't understand it and I am fed up with it! I am doing him no favors by allowing him to continue down this road of self-destruction and take me and the kids with him
So last night he is basically pissed off at the entire world-including making those of us that live with him MISERABLE and being abusive with his words. I warned him-he was acting out of control and too stop-I asked him to go to his mom and dad's, but he chose to belittle me for not having a job and taking child support from my ex for Carley. He then threatened me that if I called the police "I would be SORRY!" Sounds like a threat to me! They came and his mom and dad came and got him-he had been drinking according to the police officer.
Very dramatic and chaotic-but after he left the kids and I had a nice quiet evening-girls made dinner, we watched TV and Connor was a super well behaved kid.

So I guess I am pissed off that his family who are so blind to his problems and how very serious they are. This is really what did it!
I had a message that told me I had problems (first to admit it!! Getting help!!!) and told me what I did was a white trash thing to do. Yeah-well I don't think so-I think it was my way of helping myself and my children. I have been there through thick and thin with Rodney and I will continue to do so if he gets in recovery. Sorry if that makes me WHITE TRASH!

Oh by the way I do have a college education and I can and will get a job-but believe it or not I have things to work through because of this whole having a spouse go to war, get wounded and then being an advocate and caregiver. Without all the extra chaos I can probably find the time now.
What do you all think? Am I living off Rodney and acting like white trash or am I a wife who has been through hell and back trying to help someone who doesn't really want the help?
I want to know?? I am beside myself and pretty confused? Is it right that I have to constantly worry if he is making a decision that will impact our family in a negative way and possibly others if he hurts someone?

Not sure what to do next?? ( I am sure there will be repercussions to this post-but it had to be said I can't pretend all is rosy and wonderful-sorry!)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

9 comments:

Laura ~Peach~ said...

and you should not pretend that everything is rosy in life because life is NOT... but when you have people who enable negative behavior or enable self destruction you are fighting a battle that you can not win. does that lessen the love you have for your husband? No... does it make life as you knew it impossible? yeah pretty much. YOU have to do what is right for you and your kids and you have to do what it takes to protect yourself and them from a person who is under the influence ... and ALCOHOL is a DRUG it changes rational ability to think and act and changes the personality of the person who has had too much of it.
THAT person is an adult who makes his own choices and therefore has to accept the consequences of said behavior.
I so totally feel for you and for the children who suffer from the effects of alcohol it is a killer of so many things in life and so not worth it...
I hope and pray that your hero seeks and accepts the help he needs to recover (and I do believe he CAN) but he has to want it more than anything else in life.
It is HARD but anything worth having is HARD and takes real work to attain it...
and NO you dont qualify as white trash sorry that someone in your world has confused you with white trash cause you see being a wife and mother is a full time job and then to take a second job outside the home well that does not fit the white trash model... as for child support... I do believe that it is the law as well as the right thing for a father to pay to the mother of his child.... just my 0.02 and for what its worth THIS IS YOUR BLOG you have the right to post anything and everything that you wish on it... and as a commenter Have mercy seems White trash pushed one of my buttons...
Love and hugs hang in there and do what you have to for your family!
Laura

SgtSudsWife said...

Well said Laura! Tracy I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I am also soryy that unfortunately it is prolly all resulting from what happened to him. Sometimes people just don't come back from things like that. That being said he has no right to treat you and your family that way. Especially after all you have done to try and keep it together.I also want to tell you it takes a strong woman to get through the things you have already been through and admit she has issues. It also takes a very strong and smart person to take action to help themselves work through their issues.

As a fellow Army wife I am proud of you and I know that what you did last night was hard to do. He needs to get some help though and anyone who allows him to act this way towards his family is just enabling him.

Take care and know that we will be here to listen.

Dana said...

Oh, Tracy! You poor thing! I can't believe someone would say that about you! Has Rodney been diagnosed as having TBI? I can't remember, but I have heard that it completely alters the mind. Not that it is in any way an excuse.

Alcohol is like Laura said, a drug. It tears apart families every day. It is nearly impossible to watch someone you love go down that path knowing that next comes the verbal abuse and it could quite possibly get worse. Protecting yourself and your children is what is required of you as a mother. If that makes him mad, so be it. If it pisses his family off, too bad. Let him go there and drink and belittle them for a while. Bet they change their tune. Living with a loudmouthed alcoholic is not fun. It affects everyone. I remember, as a child, walking on eggshells afraid to set off the ticking bomb sitting in the recliner, beer in hand.

All that being said, you can't make him stop. He won't stop until he is ready. He does need treatment, but even that won't work until he wants it. In the meantime, you have to do what you need to in order to protect you and your children.

As far as the badmouthing you for taking child support...you and I and even him (when sober) knows thats a crock of crap! I won't go into every one of the insulting things that were said because this comment has gotten rather long, but you know the truth. You know that none of it is accurate. You know.

Also, when a person is hurting, they lash out at those that they care the most about and who care the most about them because they know those people won't run. Does that even make sense? Hopefully you get what I am attempting to say!

I am always here if you need an ear (or eyes as the case may be)!

Amy said...

I'm trying to figure out what your doing wrong? I'm a stay at home, am I white trash too? I hope that you will be able to work things out and be happy. You have all been through so much in the past couple years and I'm sure that most of the time your just getting by. You deserve so much more. I'm praying that you find a soft place to fall and catch your breath.
love ya

in time out said...

thank you for the real post...i have to say up front this is my first read of you, but THANK YOU. today i didn't think i would come to my blog at all because pretending that i am okay is a farce. i have a healing journal, and planned to just go to that and vent my frustrations ....but, i didn't want the chocolate followers to be disappointed if i didn't follow through, so i am here, reading, coming to say hello, to be cheerful, and what you have written is just what i needed to read. i am a follower now, because you need us. you are a great person dealing with a lot. even if you don't win the chocolate, i think i will send you some. i am sorry for all that you are going through. thanks for writing. and dont let my cheerful blog keep you from reading. i have layers, that is just one of them. thanks ♥ stacie

Alice said...

Well as someone who boldly claims to be WHITE TRASH - I say don't take it as an insult! :)

In all honesty, I cannot even begin to imagine the hell you are going through or how torn you must be right now. I wish I had an easy answer - but as I'm sure you know - there are no easy answers. I have heard that many soldiers returning from war have had similar experiences, as have their families. I don't know if you've reached out to anyone in the military/VA for YOU - but you should. I think they have programs and resources in place for you. Also, I've heard wonderful things about the AlAnon support group for people who have spouses/loved ones that are alcoholics. That might be good for you and the kids.

I cannot begin to imagine the hell your husband has been through either. And I'm sure his choices are a direct result of him BRAVELY serving our country. I hope he knows how grateful we all are. And that we are rooting for his recovery.

All I can say at this point is take care of yourself and children. Know there are many of us out here holding you up in prayer. You are not alone. I hope you continue to share so we can continue to pray.

Sending you extra love and prayers today.

jojo said...

Tracey,
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. All of the above comments are so well written and heartfelt, I don't think I could add anything to them. But the one thing I know is that you have to take care of you...you can't help anyone until you get right with yourself. Your children need that from you more than anything else.
Please remember I'm here if you need to vent or just a ((hug)). Take care...

Michelle said...

White trash would have been you drinking with him and both of you fighting it out. What you are doing is trying to keep your family together. If you do not stand firm now it WILL escalate and then you could be the article in the times about returning soldiers killing their spouses. Dramatic? Maybe, but for some it is a reality.

Please, PLEASE contact the local VA and ask to speak with the homeless program office. Your husband is on the verge of being homeless if he continues this path of self destruction. There are programs out there that can provide services (counseling) and transitional shelter to veterans. How do I know? That is what we (my office) does. We fund the non-profit agency that provide these services. Call me if you need help it getting a number. My work number is 877-332-0334 and we are in Tampa.

My father (21 year Navy Veteran)was an alcoholic for many years. All of my memories revolve around him having a beer in his hand. My mother enabled him by making excuses for him, bailing him out of jail, etc. He would take a nap and wake up and you just knew he was "in a mood". We learned to be quiet and not say anything that might set him off. If that happened he would walk around slamming doors for days. Occasionally, he would get physical with my mom. We left to stay in a friends garage apartment for about a week once.

Finally, about 19 years ago I had enough. He was drinking alot and made a move against my mother. I grabbed his arms and had him backed up against the back door. I think I shocked him. I know I shocked myself. I told Shay to stay out of grandpa's room. The next day he woke up in a mood and one thing led to another and he was slamming cupboard doors and speaking crap. And then he pointed his finger at me and said "further more, that baby can come in my room any time she wants" I informed him that she was my child and I made the rules. I has hold Shay in my arms and he poked me in the chest. I put Shay down, pushed him back into his room, he fell to the floor, I was yelling "you SOB, go ahead, hit me, I dare you, hit me again". He could not get up because I was standing over him. Mom called 911, they took him away. Bottom line, it was hard for a couple of weeks when he got out. Friends convinced him to plead guilty. He enroled in a treatment program though the VA and got sober. By the time I moved to Chicago he was doing great. He did start smoking again, but hey. I wish I had stood up to him years before instead of helping mom be a doormat.

My point of the story is, you did the right thing. You have to think of the kids and yourself. Please post your progress as often as you need to get it out. It is YOUR Blog.

AmersP said...

Tracy,
I just wanted to say I just found your blog through My Two Army Brats and WOW. You are a strong woman and a special one. You did an amazing thing protecting those most important to you. Laura was so right on the money! You are definitely in my prayers. Hugs to you and the kids!
Ami