Sunday, December 7, 2008

Christmas Tree Blues, Grandpa and Darn Feelings!

My Grandpa Deck and my Dad approx. 1941 (see more about this further down in post)

Added 8:09 p.m. You all are wonderful! We got it-Connor and Carley did-they amaze me! Connor my skinny muscle man-brought all the boxes and containers up from downstairs!!
Carley called Grandpa to come over to deal with the sparking pre-lit light situation since we sure don't need a fire. 2 of the 3 have put their special ornaments from over the years on the tree. (Taylor hasn't but she will). My living room is stacked with boxes, in an organized manner and I will get the rest done this week as I feel like it-PLEASE let me feel like it! I am trying, it is hard one minute and ok the next. I can't help remembering that....
Two years ago I was waiting for Rodney to get his orders to come home from Ft. Gordon, Georgia after being on med-hold there. He finally was able to come home for good on December 22, 2006, or at least I thought he was home for good. I had so many dreams for us and so many hopes. I don't get why we went through so much and ended up like this. But...We do have a tree up and most likely by Christmas will have the rest of the decor up and gifts wrapped and ready to be opened-I can do it for the kids.

*Special note: I forgot until a little while ago that today would have been my Grandpa Deck's 94th Birthday. He passed away in July 1989. Taylor was 6 weeks old. He had been very sick with complications from his diabetes. We believe he waited to meet his first great-granddaughter before passing since he died only a few days after meeting her. Miss you Grandpa-you were one of a kind and I know you would tell me about now how really tough I am. You made me realize that once along time ago when I was so afraid of a dust storm while visiting you in Arkansas. You took me out on the carport and held me tight as the wind howled and swirled around us-just to prove I would be ok and that there was nothing to be afraid of. I will try to remind myself of that more often. So Happy Birthday in Heaven-give Dad and Grandma a hug and I hope you are enjoying that special cake with the white divinity icing-that you weren't supposed to eat here but can in Heaven. :)

Is it Christmas if you don't have a tree up?
Looks like we might not be putting up the Christmas tree this year. Why? I am not the least bit mechanically inclined so I am useless in the putting it together stage. The kids tried and were arguing and getting frustrated with each other. I said it isn't worth it! They may work it out and get it figured out-and that is a great lesson for them to learn about working together. They really are good people!

Part of me is pissed at myself for not knowing how to do "everything" and that I really don't care too much about the whole decorating for Christmas "thang" this year but the majority is angry with Rodney for not being here-because he didn't take care of his problem a long time ago. This is the one way he has contributed efforts to decorate for Christmas-putting together the freaking tree! I know I can't have it both ways and I could ask for help-but I am so tired of asking for help!!!!
I mean the man was just here to pick-up his laundry and he didn't notice a big box in the middle of the living room??? He is so not emotionally invested in this family.

I am also very tired of having expectations, being angry and being lonely, and I want to feel the Christmas Spirit! I sound like such a whining brat right now-I need a hug! and a few prayers wouldn't hurt either.

I am really trying to keep God in my "conversations" going on in my head. I need him more than ever.

Trying to Keep Imagining!


SgtSudsWife said...


I am sorry you might not have your tree up. Is it a pre lit tree with 3 pieces or is it older and you have to put all the branches in the frame? Email me if you want maybe I can help you figure it out.

You and your family are in my thoughts and I hope it starts getting better.

Dana said...

Christmas trees are always fun...and I fib sometimes.

Maybe Amber and I can put our heads together and help ya out?

Still thinking of you guys!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

wish we were closer I could send mike and or cory over to help out... I DO NOT put the tree together here...I am scrooge and I will watch as they decorate the tree and put it up... i will untangle ornament stings and pack or unpack them from their boxes but... NO I DO NOT DO TREES.... I do howeve rhave some little trees that we made from hangars and garland and lights I'll gladly send you one of those :) send me your address !
Love n hugs Laura

The Muse said...

Yes dearest, even without a tree it is and will be Christmas. But I think the tree has become the bozo punching bag of sorts:) The enemy lol....we have fresh trees and artificial, and yes its all is do`able, if I can anyone can... :)
Happy to help however you need, well all of us are...a shout out and we are here!

Tonjia said...

Tracy, I have been reading through your posts and I am compelled to comment. I have been where you are, I just want to send you good thoughts and let you know that there are others of us out here who can identify with you 100%.

Stay strong, hold your head up high, we all believe in you.

And YAY for getting that Christmas tree up!

Ness said...

Bless your heart, Tracy. Kids are the greatest motivators, aren't they? I made it 17 years with a functioning alcoholic and decided it wasn't doing my kids any good to "fake it til we made it" and I got out. Sometimes that will wake a person up to their shortcomings, sometimes it won't. I know you will do fine this holiday season because you have amazing friends, phenomenal kids and a God who loves you just for getting out of bed every day and trying. You hang in there. You're in my daily prayers.

Alice said...

I haven't had the chance to comment, but I have been checking in every day. Just know that all of you remain in my constant prayers. I'm so glad you got your tree makes a difference. Continued prayers, friend....