Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Joy, my birthday and a new outlook!

This is the two part kind folks! I had planned to post about my birthday which will be upon me in less than 5 minutes-so I will be 45 by the time I finish this post.

First Part:

I have tears in my eyes as I start this post-tears of happiness after reading all the comments about our Christmas tree. It is brings me such joy to hear someone say "You are doing good Tracy..keep it up!"

I will admit each day is a struggle-I cry, I get angry, I lose it for some simple little thing like I can't find something, I am lonely, I am stressed, confused and I am doing whatever it takes to get through the day.

I also have moments where I laugh, smile and am hopeful. I want each day to get easier-I know I have so much work ahead of me.

But... Tonight Taylor, Carley, Connor and I started a new holiday tradition-we went to the theater to see "Christmas Carol". I loved the show and our seats were perfect. The kids seem to have a good time also.I asked them if they wanted to try and make it a new tradition-all said yes! The play is of course well known and the story one of catching the Christmas spirit-not the receiving of material gifts but that of giving of ourselves, being joyful and happy, sharing time together. The holiday music was enchanting. I was in awe. It made my heart feel good to hear Connor say after the first act: "wow that went fast!"-to me that meant he was enjoying it! I felt very touched and moved by the message and energy of the performance. Maybe it was what I jump start me. Taylor even said it helped her feel more Christmas spirit. So worth it to do something with all three of my children and everyone to come away having a great experience. Tonight I felt like it was ok to be happy and love life. To have a little spring in my step and not feel weighed down with worry. To sit back and let life lead me.

2nd part: So now we move onto the birthday deal...It is official central time at 12:03 am-I am 45 and alive!

Someone once told me think of the alternative if you feel bad about getting older-LOL Guess that is true!

I really have never been a fan of my birthday-the December 18-one week before Christmas thing has always been difficult. Even as a child I remember having a Santa Claus cake for one of my b-day parties, sometimes it was even difficult to have parties since people had Christmas parties already planned. I had times where people combined my gifts for birthday and Christmas-that sucked! People wrapped my b-day gifts in Christmas paper-(not something anyone who really knows me dares do now!) I know any of you with Dec. birthdays or even early January know what I am talking about.

I grew to not have any real expectations for my birthday-I was always let down. When I was in college-I planned my own 19th and 20th birthday's-of course I had a lot of people to invite plus it was a time when any reason for a party was good! My ex-husband gave me a great 30th (semi-surprise) birthday party-it was memorable! I have always tried to make sure my kids birthdays are special-it is their day, Sometimes I even went overboard but I had my reasons and my kids do remember their b-day parties! Since the 30th it has become more about the aging thing! I have been so afraid of getting old-I let it happen just by worrying about it. So this year...many challenges ahead...

but..I want to be a 45 years old and learn to live my life again. Empower myself! Those are strong words-they mean so much to me. It is what I was telling Taylor when she was at her lowest point after her broken engagement. Gotta practice what I preach-baby girl opened my eyes!

I want to lose this darn weight (eat better and get on a workout schedule)-I want this so BAD! I want to not dread getting dressed or going shopping or looking in a mirror.

I want to take better care of this 45 year old body-get health issues taken care of-instead of avoiding the issues.

I want to get the counseling I need to heal, go to Alonon and get a better understanding of why I do what I do.

I want to find my passions again.....scrap booking, gardening, just re-discovering my inner creative self! Take a class maybe????

I want to find ways to make me feel accomplished and possibly do that by finding a way to help families of wounded soldiers.

I want to experience new things-push my limits-learn to live life now and not wait for it to start.

I want to re-connect with God-find a church family I feel supported by and that I can offer something to.

I want to be a good mom-if that means setting boundaries with my kids and being tougher then so be it.

They know I un-conditionally love them..I want them to be strong and make good choices. They are growing up-my role is changing with each of them. I want to keep working on having an open, healthy relationship with each of them.

I want to learn to forgive-let go of past hurts and move forward. Not saying forget but forgive-being angry eats at my soul.

I know that sounds like so much-it freaks me out-but I feel strong tonight, I feel hopeful, I feel I can make some changes and no matter what happens be OK! (please continue to remind me-I know on my bad days I will need to come back and read this)

So here is to 45.....BRING IT ON!

Trying to Keep Imagining!


Laura ~Peach~ said...

HAppy 45th Bday!!! all those things sound doable to me and I should do several of them myself!

Ness said...

Happy Birthday dear Tracy!

No one, and I mean no one could have given you the present you gave yourself this birthday...goals to accomplish to get back to being Tracy. Know by this time next year, you will have started on all of those goals, and will have success as a birthday present next year. I'm so happy you and the kids started a new tradition. Life is for the living and living starts every day when you wake up. I refuse to let cancer or fibro take my day and you are not going to let the unhappiness of others take your day. Kids learn by example and you are really being a good example to your kids. It's a win-win situation, Tracy. If Rodney sees the light, and gets his act together, perhaps you two will rejoin and have one awesome marriage. And if he doesn't, you will have become a confident, happy woman who has the knowledge that she raised her kids by example. Get with me on January 1 and maybe we can support each other online with walking and watching what we eat. Hang in there and be happy!

Dana said...

Happy Birthday!!!!

I think all of your goals are absolutely doable. I have many of the same for the next year. My silent New Years resolutions. I say silent because I don't share them. That way when I fail miserably the only one giving me the stinkeye is me!

Tonjia said...

Happy Birthday Tracy!! You are on your way to a brand new you!

I have a suggestion, print out this post. Hang it on your mirror or somewhere that you can read it when you feel down or unhappy.

Keep up the great work!

jojo said...

Happy Birthday Tracy,
It sounds like you've already taken the first step. You started a new tradition, which by the way is so amazing. Your kids will cherish that one forever. And 2nd, you took time for yourself to take an inventory of what you want/need to change. That is not an easy thing to do...not for me atleast because it requires being totally honesty with yourself and I would rather not deal with some things. You have quite a list there and I have to say many of those things would be on my list. They won't be easy for sure but with your attitude I think they will be do-able.
Enjoy your day Tracy...45 is pretty've got a long way to go...;)

The Muse said...

Woo hooo baby LOL :)
Congrats, although belated...
But I am older than you so, it took me longer to get here! LOL

Tracy I added you to my friends blog roll list :) and was happy to do so :)

AmersP said...

Happy 45th B-day!!! Sorry I am a day late I was gone until today. You sound like you are definitely putting one foot in front of the other and setting goals to walk towards! You are a strong woman and your kids will someday look back with nothing but admiration and love for the things you have done! Happy Birthday girl and may this next year be a great one for you!