Christmas 2009 ...is over!

I cannot believe that Christmas has come and gone for another year BUT....I am so thrilled it is!!!

Actually I did not enjoy the time leading up to Christmas at all this year. I just never got into the spirit of the season. I waited until the week of to shop, didn't put up the tree and decorations until 2 days prior to Christmas, and saved the wrapping until Christmas Eve. I kept waiting to feel like singing "Jingle Bells" or to get excited about seeing my kids opening their gifts I had shopped for.
I do so miss the days when we counted down the days, the kids wrote multiple lists to Santa and I shopped for the perfect gift to hear them squeal on Christmas morning. We have our traditions and the kids still want to take part in some of them but I just had to force myself to do it all. I did enjoy Christmas Eve with my family at my mom's house and Christmas was enjoyable, but nothing like I would have liked it to be. The best events of the holiday was seeing my nephew Ethan who flew in from San Diego (he moves there in August) and seeing Connor open up his footie jammies I thought he would hate and freak out about, but no he absolutly was over-joyed!

I have many theories as to why I didn't "catch the holiday fever"...

1.) Rodney was in the VA for 2 1/2 months getting PTSD and dealing with some emotional demons from the war. It was the best place for him, but I was very lonely and overwhelmed with dealing with everything. The idea of Christmas on top of it all was more than I could really deal with?? He didn't come home until the 18th, then I had help but I felt rushed. It was good to have a partner though and he actually did more shopping with me this year than anytime in the last 13 years!

2.) My kids don't really need anything nor did I or Rodney. The lists I did get were shocking at first since they were so specific. I felt like no matter what I would disapoint one of them. They seemed so ungrateful and I sure didn't expect any squeals. I felt like a failure as a mom-how did I raise these children who didn't seem to understand the true reason for the season and were more concerned about what they were getting as opposed to giving. Taylor did surprise me by buying gifts for each of us with her full-time job money. The traditions we kept like the opening of the ornaments and P.J.'s Christmas Eve...but they totally forgot about putting baby Jesus in the nativity scene and singing Happy Birthday Jesus.

3.)So maybe since the last couple years we haven't been involved in church. I know I need that and Rodney had that in the VA so I will work on that in 2010. Whether the kids think they need it as teens and young adults-I am not sure , but I think if we are to bring God back into our everyday life....it will help...it has to!

4.) I am so tired of living in this place..this duplex...where all the bad memories exist. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a roof over my head...I am-We just need a bigger place for the 5 of us. We need a place for the kids to have friends over, we need a place for Rodney to be able to do his crafts and have a place to de-compress. His dr. said he needs that to stay in a good place, and I want that for him, I want that for our family, so we can move on.

Which I quess all adds up to me just wanting to get on with life, for my family to work together and get counseling so not only will Rodney heal we will as well...
I personally have made personal changes losing weight, getting healthier and going back to school. My hope for next year's holidays I want a family who is happy and in a better place physically and emotionally, THEN I will be singing "Jingle Bells"...over and over!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Thank Goodness for Terrie in DC!

My contact in DC came through today-she called back which is something that doesn't happen too often when trying to deal with the military. Terrie always calls me back and always has someone or information that helps make the situation easier to navigate.She works at the pentagon but she cares about us and I am sure she does all of the soldiers and their families that call or come into contact with her. There needs to be more Terrie McGue's in the world.You are an angel Terrie!
Can you tell just one phone call can give me some hope!! We should know something about VA disability rating by October (hopefully)!! A time line is good-not knowing isn't.
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

PRAISE REPORT-TSGLI

Today is a really good Day...We got the word today-we have been approved to receive a disability settlement from TSGLI (Traumatic Service members Group Life Insurance). We are elated and beyond grateful on so many levels. I was in tears as I was speaking to the person who brought such joyous news to our family. I just kept saying "you have no idea what this means to us and thank you". Rodney was in tears when I told him. We are both stunned but in a good way :) We have known for a couple weeks that Rodney's case was being looked at again due to guideline changes. We were optimistic but not overly confident due to our many experiences with disappointment with the system along this journey. We had been turned down in for TSGLI in Dec. 2006 because Rod's wounds didn't qualify.We were shocked then as well. It took us many months of calling, contacting and contemplation to finally decide not to appeal our claim. We obviously didn't have the fight left in us, so we moved on to survive. Here we are 13 months later and we have been approved!!!! Praise to the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is only through him that this could have happened!!!!!!
Now we can feel more financially secure and worry less about finances and concentrate on living and healing, not just surviving. Some of our dreams can possibly come true-the dreams we held onto so tight during those months when Rodney was deployed. We might be able to buy a house,quit wasting money on rent,get out of this gloomy duplex-into a good neighborhood with more children for Connor to play with. We are even considering moving out of town-close enough that Carley can still attend High School locally but get Connor out of the middle school atmosphere in 5th grade,(it is like a pseudo high School). There is faith, hope and possibility where there was defeat, hopelessness and anger. Thank you to everyone for prayers for our family-Prayer does works!Continued Prayers that this really does happen (sorry I have been burnt too many times) and we will have the $ in the bank in a week and we will make smart financial decisions.(pay off bills, be charitable,get a different place to live,help Taylor with college, send me back to school to re-train for a career, pay back relatives who have kept us afloat,consider Rodney's Harley Davidson??? and maybe even a vacation to DC.(I would love to be able to visit other wounded warriors at Walter Reed and meet some of the individuals instrumental in helping us along the way)Many things to take into the equation and consider. I am most thankful not just because of $-it is because I know some part of the system for wounded warriors does work.

God Bless & Keep Imagining!
Tracy