Owner of a Broken Heart

Taylor the Dancer-circa 2007 (Her First Love-Dancing)

Today was so difficult for my baby girl-every time I told her I loved her or told her it would be ok-it just takes time-she sobbed. I told her how special she was and how sorry I was she was in such pain-she cried. She didn't want to do anything today-except watch TV. She didn't feel like eating but I took her to lunch anyway-she ate a little. I made her dinner-she ate a little.

My strong, confident daughter is so confused and doesn't understand why he broke off the engagement. I can remember feeling the way she does and it sucks-literally feels like your heart is going to explode. I did take her back to the dr. today. She was coughing and wheezing still. She was diagnosed with bronchitis. she is now on antibiotics and an inhaler. She stared running a fever again tonight. Taylor is having a really rough time. I have been there for her 100 percent today-I didn't go to Connor's vocal concert because I didn't want her to be alone. We watched "Dancing with the Stars"-she was just very quiet. She didn't go to class today and may not go to work because of the fever-but that is not like her. She has went to school and dance practice in High School when she was really ill. I am scared for her but trying to be patient. She just doesn't want to talk-she misses Bryan. She isn't sleeping well. Taylor is a mess-and she can be for awhile, but sooner or later she will have to learn to function again-to believe in herself again. She is not a person who talks about their feelings freely-sometimes it is really a chore to get her to tell you how she feels.

I am worried-besides the obvious, Taylor has been through a deal with her real dad that is complicated but in a nutshell she doesn't have a relationship with her father any longer and hasn't since she was 13 years old. Yes, for 6 years my ex-husband (dickhead)and father of my 2 girls has chosen for petty reasons not to have a relationship with his oldest daughter. So now he fiance/boyfriend of 3 years calls it off. I am worried-I am most of the time all she has.

Rodney and her aren't that close even though a lot of the time she calls him dad. She know he loves her-but it just isn't a relationship of parent and child. She was close to 8 years old when we married-she was old enough to remember when mom and dad were together. She is her momma's girl. I just want her to see how amazing she is and not focus on what the MEN in her life have chosen to do.Someone said she comes from a brave family-that is true-I have raised her and her sister to be women of character and to be true to themselves-easy at 11 but not so easy at 18 and 19 when faced with the real world-she will survive and come out on the other side stronger (I hope), for now she owns a broken heart. I pray God guides me in how to help or do what I am supposed to do to mend it or put a band aid on it. :)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My First Born: Baby Girl is born!

I wrote some about what has been going on with my baby girl, Taylor, who is 19 and in her 2nd year of college. I felt I needed to share more about her, so I thought I would begin with my pregnancy and her birth.


Taylor was born when I was 25 years old. Her dad (Duane) and I had been married close to a year and a half. We were college sweethearts and met when I was a freshman and he was a year older. We dated more on than off for 5 years before we married. He was a teacher (still is) and had taken in job in our college town. When we married in 1987 I moved back to Emporia, where we made our first home. I was working as a para-educator when I found out I was pregnant with Taylor. I was ready to be a mom big time. I had a difficult time with morning sickness (or as I called it all day sickness!) with my first pregnancy. I was exhausted all the time. I can recall the first 3-4 months going to work and coming home and going to bed-waking only to eat dinner. I also had some trouble with early contractions in the last trimester. I was RH-I had neg. blood and Duane had positive. I had to take a couple shots-no big deal. Other than those couple things-oh and being totally paranoid about every weird feeling or twitch-all went smoothly with the pregnancy. We did not know from the sonograms if we were expecting a boy or girl. Taylor just never would give up the info.:) She kept those legs crossed just like a lady should!
I shopped all the time for this baby-still not knowing what the sex was. I decorated her room with a white crib, rocking chair and changing table. I had a friend that made all my bedding-the colors were peach and mint green and the theme was bunnies. Probably a good deal she was a little girl! I washed all her little outfits in DREFT. I gained a lot of weight-60 lbs.! I started out underweight so the dr. never said a word to me. Taylor was due on Mother's Day of 1989. Taylor didn't come on Mother's Day the 13th of May-but my mom, step-dad, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew all came down for the weekend-boy was I in a rotten mood when I got up that Sunday and had not went into labor. All everyone did all day was watch me for signs-I must have walked 2 miles that day.

Miss Taylor had other ideas-she finally arrived on May 19th at 3:00 am. (which happens to be my sister's birthday!). I was induced after going to my dr. appt. since when they did a stress test there was some indication the baby was under stress. I was in labor for 13 hours with no epidural, and I have made sure to tell my baby girl that countless times :)

Taylor Victoria arrived to our surprise with a full head of black hair, and goodness gracious was she screaming. She weighed 8 pounds 5 oz-when they laid her on my tummy I said "wow she is really heavy." She was perfect in every way and I remember holding her in my room when it was just her and me. I promised her I would do everything I could to make her world safe and happy, and that I would love her forever and always.

Taylor and I had the pleasure of having my mom (Grandma Carolyn) stay with us for a week. We found out right before Taylor was released she was jaundice. I freaked because the nurse made it sound like they would keep Taylor and send me home.
I was having difficulty with Taylor nursing-she liked the bottles they gave her at night (I learned and the other 2 never received a bottle in the hospital). So I was worried for a short time but we were released and sent home to start our lives-it has been a wonderful voyage ever since with my baby girl.

One of the most unique things about Taylor: Taylor's hair color changed within a couple months to deep auburn red (I hadn't even noticed-someone at a dr. appt. said "oh what a cute red-head". I was like where? Then I noticed he was talking to me-makes me wonder if I was overwhelmed or something-duh?)She did draw attention where ever we went and never lost any of her hair.She was wearing barrettes right fairly quickly-otherwise people thought she was a boy?. She had her first haircut at 6 months because the front of her hair was so long it was in her eyes without a barrette. Just so you know my other 2 were pretty close to bald-Taylor got the beautiful hair gene-and not from me.

Now many years later- She came over-3rd night in a row and I don't mind at all-actually I love it! (yes, she is feeling much better!)- she had her hair colored and cut today-her hair is that beautiful deep red again! I love it! Her hair has lightened to a strawberry blond over the years. She looks beautiful any way but I still like it when it is close to her original hair color!) That's my Baby Girl and I am her biggest fan! Ask her!
I will be saying my prayers tonight for her to have a safe drive to Oklahoma to visit a friend this weekend. This is her maiden voyage as a traveler by herself-it is a 4 hour drive. She is spreading those wings! Fly baby Fly!

I will share more about my Taylor next time-it is nice remembering since I am in a sort of mourning for her leaving the nest and if she reads this she may learn something I haven't told her.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy