Alive Day

Two years ago at this time I began this blog. I was still so entrenched in being the "wife of a wounded soldier". I was trying to decide how I should feel about the one year anniversary of Rodney being wounded. It was a very difficult, emotional and confusing time. We were dealing with the what's, the whys and the who's of the military process.

Where are we today 2 years later on now what we know to be called his "Alive Day"? Not so stuck in the everyday bureaucracy..either because we are further down the road or just tired of dealing with something you can't move any faster than even if you try. I am much more cynical that is for sure. I am letting go of the victim associated with being the "wife of a wounded" soldier-because I have to so I can move forward...live again. I will always have had this experience and wouldn't be pursuing a master's in Social Welfare if we hadn't gone through hell and back.
The process of making sure our family gets the benefits we are entitled to continues. We are waiting on the permanent and total rating from the VA-so I can have assistance with money for school (that would help tremendously!) ....but we still wait. The other is shocking to most people....as of today Rodney has still not been released from the Kansas National Guard even though he hasn't done anything like drill since he returned home...He started the med board process which entails meeting with more/different doctors to say he is unfit for duty. This process could take up to a year when he is actually done...he has one more appointment he has to attend but it hasn't been scheduled. Once he is rated by the army (VA and Military ratings are completely different in case you didn't know that-all your tax dollars hard at work!!!)
We hope to have free health insurance for our family for life but who know??
See the cynical is coming out...sorry ;(
So are there any big "Alive Day" celebrations today...that answer is no. It is like any other ordinary day except for the fact that three years later Rodney is inpatient and most likely will be for a while our lives at home are less chaotic, we are without him again. He is not off fighting insurgents but instead battling the demons left over by war and working on things in his head that should have been addressed 3 years ago,but they take care of the physical first (I was told that at Fort Gordon after he was wounded). I am sad, but also so numb. Our family is in shambles.
Maybe it just took this amount of time to get to this place....I don't have the answers. I wish someone did, but they don't. We are not the only families in turmoil because of our situation....there are countless others. We aren't on the 5 o'clock news ...we are just dealing the best we can. Someday maybe the world will notice, but for now the world doesn't want to hear about it. So as a social worker I have my job cut out for me....job security???

The good news is....I am doing better, going to school, feeling more confident-more like the me I wasn't sure still existed, I have lost some of the baggage I was carrying-30 lbs of it and I am reaching out to friends. I am living life again!! I am still the wife of a wounded soldier, but I am not wearing it like a huge sign, it is just a part of me, not the total of who I am!

SO to Rodney...."Happy Alive Day"! It is a miracle and something worth remembering and celebrating. Sorry we can't be together to do it. Keep fighting and putting the pieces together on your end.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Seeing the Big Picture

First I want to thank all my blog friends that left me comments-it helped me remember I am only one person, I am human and there is so much that is underlying issues from the last 2 1/2 years. Things just got so out of control last night I couldn't see the "big picture".

I spent sometime today (actually a few hours) on the phone with different agencies to figure out where this journey goes now. I spoke with a nurse from the VA-Rodney needs more evaluation on possible brain injury from the blast-which would explain some of his actions of recent. The nurse also is getting us started on getting the primary dr. set up and getting us into counseling (an obvious need). I also spoke to another wounded soldier-he gave me insight into Rodney is feeling. I then spoke with a advocate from AW2 which hopefully help us with the process of what comes next with the Army/National Guard side. She is doing some research and talking to some people in DC to figure out what would be the best situation for Rodney as well as our family.

I think Rod is really having issue with leaving the army-not being a soldier anymore-losing his identity. I get that more today. Doesn't change the fact that last night was crazy but at least gives me an explanation of why things are going so out of control now.
We as a family have to deal with daily life which can be so stressful, but we still
have so much on top of the heap of the emotional fallout from trauma of what happened 2 years ago-forgetting that and not recognizing why things continue to occur in the emotional department is not working-we need to be aware and vigilant to heal. I sound so profound today:) Sounds so easy when I am not in chaos and really pissed :) but I am going to try!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

VA Rating

We got the word the other day that Rod's VA rating was decided on Oct. 15. The decision was a 100 percent disability. This is a temp rating but is retro active back to April. So there is a light at the end of the 2 year tunnel-allowing myself to feel hope. We got the paperwork yesterday so I guess it is real-it will be more real when we get a check!! Pretty sure this means the army will medically retire him now and let the VA deal with his medical issues. He will have to go in front of a med board for the Army to rate his disability through them. So still some waiting and some questions about the logistics of what will happen and when but like I said I am allowing myself to hope.. but not imagining too much yet other than paying off bills and not having the worry of if the craziness of military red tape will last
FOREVER! Not sure how the VA road will be, but we are ready for a different path for sure. I will post more about how they came to the 100 percent rating-kinda surprising and weird what they gave the highest ratings for.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Thank Goodness for Terrie in DC!

My contact in DC came through today-she called back which is something that doesn't happen too often when trying to deal with the military. Terrie always calls me back and always has someone or information that helps make the situation easier to navigate.She works at the pentagon but she cares about us and I am sure she does all of the soldiers and their families that call or come into contact with her. There needs to be more Terrie McGue's in the world.You are an angel Terrie!
Can you tell just one phone call can give me some hope!! We should know something about VA disability rating by October (hopefully)!! A time line is good-not knowing isn't.
Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Can you hear me SCREAMING!

Pretty catchy title-huh?
Really though nothing is wrong where I am actually bleeding at this point and I haven't started tearing out my hair or anyone else's YET! It has just been so crazy-the last week or two!!!! Today is one of those days when Rodney and I both feel at war with the military/VA/social security system You name it we are making phone call, sending emails and pulling out the big guns.
There is so much that is not right about this situation-as I have said before..

Rodney has been doing his own legwork when it has come to getting all his medical records to the VA-twice now he has had to make trips, do the copying and then send them UPS at our cost. We are still waiting to see what happens next-if the VA needs something else which is all very possible. I don't understand why he doesn't have a liaison to be helping him through this!!!! (I wonder how many times I have said that same thing about any part of this process in the last 2+ years!)
Rodney is struggling so-he even had to take a day of sick leave to try and get something moving or get some kind of answer to anything.He is having a hard time dealing with this most likely due to his PTSD-which he hasn't been seen for since March! He is supposed to report for drill duty this month-HA! ... he can't run,or do sit ups (he has a hernia due to his surgery in Iraq).The state of Kansas has not said what is going to happen with him..and no one will call us back. I made my call to DC today to my amazing contact/friend Terrie and she will do her job. that is one thing I can count on!After I got off the phone with her I smiled at Rodney and made the motion of "stirring the POT". He chuckled and said I don't know what I would do without you. He has also been trying to find out why he no longer is being covered by Tricare-he was wounded in action in Iraq the place where our country is fighting a WAR?
Financially we are drowning-we had to turn down the opportunity to purchase a house from a friend at a really good price because right now we can't be sure of anything.
Oh and Social security benefits for the time he was on med hold-we were told he would most likely qualify-now they are saying not!! Not giving up that fight yet.
UGGHHHHHHH!!!!!&#*&^% Hear me screaming and cussing yet!!
On top of all of this we have daily life..school starting, and extra news concerning my oldest Taylor (I will share more later) I am so stressed out right now-I can feel my self shaking inside-but it happens every time I deal with the unfairness of the green machine. I have to admit I avoid it if I can because I know what will happen to me.
I know I need stress relief-Calgon or rum take me away!!!!!
Keep Imagining!
Tracy