Christmas 2009 ...is over!

I cannot believe that Christmas has come and gone for another year BUT....I am so thrilled it is!!!

Actually I did not enjoy the time leading up to Christmas at all this year. I just never got into the spirit of the season. I waited until the week of to shop, didn't put up the tree and decorations until 2 days prior to Christmas, and saved the wrapping until Christmas Eve. I kept waiting to feel like singing "Jingle Bells" or to get excited about seeing my kids opening their gifts I had shopped for.
I do so miss the days when we counted down the days, the kids wrote multiple lists to Santa and I shopped for the perfect gift to hear them squeal on Christmas morning. We have our traditions and the kids still want to take part in some of them but I just had to force myself to do it all. I did enjoy Christmas Eve with my family at my mom's house and Christmas was enjoyable, but nothing like I would have liked it to be. The best events of the holiday was seeing my nephew Ethan who flew in from San Diego (he moves there in August) and seeing Connor open up his footie jammies I thought he would hate and freak out about, but no he absolutly was over-joyed!

I have many theories as to why I didn't "catch the holiday fever"...

1.) Rodney was in the VA for 2 1/2 months getting PTSD and dealing with some emotional demons from the war. It was the best place for him, but I was very lonely and overwhelmed with dealing with everything. The idea of Christmas on top of it all was more than I could really deal with?? He didn't come home until the 18th, then I had help but I felt rushed. It was good to have a partner though and he actually did more shopping with me this year than anytime in the last 13 years!

2.) My kids don't really need anything nor did I or Rodney. The lists I did get were shocking at first since they were so specific. I felt like no matter what I would disapoint one of them. They seemed so ungrateful and I sure didn't expect any squeals. I felt like a failure as a mom-how did I raise these children who didn't seem to understand the true reason for the season and were more concerned about what they were getting as opposed to giving. Taylor did surprise me by buying gifts for each of us with her full-time job money. The traditions we kept like the opening of the ornaments and P.J.'s Christmas Eve...but they totally forgot about putting baby Jesus in the nativity scene and singing Happy Birthday Jesus.

3.)So maybe since the last couple years we haven't been involved in church. I know I need that and Rodney had that in the VA so I will work on that in 2010. Whether the kids think they need it as teens and young adults-I am not sure , but I think if we are to bring God back into our everyday life....it will help...it has to!

4.) I am so tired of living in this place..this duplex...where all the bad memories exist. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a roof over my head...I am-We just need a bigger place for the 5 of us. We need a place for the kids to have friends over, we need a place for Rodney to be able to do his crafts and have a place to de-compress. His dr. said he needs that to stay in a good place, and I want that for him, I want that for our family, so we can move on.

Which I quess all adds up to me just wanting to get on with life, for my family to work together and get counseling so not only will Rodney heal we will as well...
I personally have made personal changes losing weight, getting healthier and going back to school. My hope for next year's holidays I want a family who is happy and in a better place physically and emotionally, THEN I will be singing "Jingle Bells"...over and over!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Film About A Family of a Warrior

This movie hasn't come out yet...but when it does I want to be first in line!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Alive Day

Two years ago at this time I began this blog. I was still so entrenched in being the "wife of a wounded soldier". I was trying to decide how I should feel about the one year anniversary of Rodney being wounded. It was a very difficult, emotional and confusing time. We were dealing with the what's, the whys and the who's of the military process.

Where are we today 2 years later on now what we know to be called his "Alive Day"? Not so stuck in the everyday bureaucracy..either because we are further down the road or just tired of dealing with something you can't move any faster than even if you try. I am much more cynical that is for sure. I am letting go of the victim associated with being the "wife of a wounded" soldier-because I have to so I can move forward...live again. I will always have had this experience and wouldn't be pursuing a master's in Social Welfare if we hadn't gone through hell and back.
The process of making sure our family gets the benefits we are entitled to continues. We are waiting on the permanent and total rating from the VA-so I can have assistance with money for school (that would help tremendously!) ....but we still wait. The other is shocking to most people....as of today Rodney has still not been released from the Kansas National Guard even though he hasn't done anything like drill since he returned home...He started the med board process which entails meeting with more/different doctors to say he is unfit for duty. This process could take up to a year when he is actually done...he has one more appointment he has to attend but it hasn't been scheduled. Once he is rated by the army (VA and Military ratings are completely different in case you didn't know that-all your tax dollars hard at work!!!)
We hope to have free health insurance for our family for life but who know??
See the cynical is coming out...sorry ;(
So are there any big "Alive Day" celebrations today...that answer is no. It is like any other ordinary day except for the fact that three years later Rodney is inpatient and most likely will be for a while our lives at home are less chaotic, we are without him again. He is not off fighting insurgents but instead battling the demons left over by war and working on things in his head that should have been addressed 3 years ago,but they take care of the physical first (I was told that at Fort Gordon after he was wounded). I am sad, but also so numb. Our family is in shambles.
Maybe it just took this amount of time to get to this place....I don't have the answers. I wish someone did, but they don't. We are not the only families in turmoil because of our situation....there are countless others. We aren't on the 5 o'clock news ...we are just dealing the best we can. Someday maybe the world will notice, but for now the world doesn't want to hear about it. So as a social worker I have my job cut out for me....job security???

The good news is....I am doing better, going to school, feeling more confident-more like the me I wasn't sure still existed, I have lost some of the baggage I was carrying-30 lbs of it and I am reaching out to friends. I am living life again!! I am still the wife of a wounded soldier, but I am not wearing it like a huge sign, it is just a part of me, not the total of who I am!

SO to Rodney...."Happy Alive Day"! It is a miracle and something worth remembering and celebrating. Sorry we can't be together to do it. Keep fighting and putting the pieces together on your end.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My Life as a MSW Student

Hello to everyone..
I am busy getting used to going to school after a 23 year hiatus. It is actually all very interesting and gets my intellectual juices flowing. I have gone in with 3 years of advocacy experience with the military...etc.... and I am learning everyday I have made the right decision. I love my instructors, my classmates come from so may different backgrounds and points in their lives and the material...well it may be overwhelming at times but in the end it all works out. I have many projects due in the next 2 months. I am trying not to freak out too much...taking it a little at a time and I guess I work better under pressure. Undergrad was easier but I also didn't have a family, so that might explain some of the procrastinating.

The projects I have coming up include a paper about any social agency of my choice. I hope to do it on Parents as Teachers, which is a program I had the pleasure of getting to take part in when my kids were little. I also have a big group project on a homeless population. Our group has chosen Foster Kids Aging Out. It is very confusing especially being a group deal..I still have faith we will figure it all out! I am also doing an project with advocacy interviewing a congressman about some veteran & families of veterans. So that is a few of them...so far no tests..but the writing of paper's isn't something I am real confident about..we have to write in APA format??? So as you can tell I am excited but still in the adjustment stage. I am trying to work it all into the crazy life I already live...and you know what I like myself more every day!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Stepping Outside the Normal

Last evening a monumantal event occured in my life. Nothing with balloons or fireworks, just me walking into a classroom full of other students and taking a seat. I STARTED GRAD SCHOOL! I was anxious and actually a few minutes late due to traffic but I made it and I am so excited for this experience. Studying to get my Master's in Social Welfare feels so right! I am so sure about something for the first time in a long time. The challenge of school and knowing I will someday be a part of the change in something I am passionate about... makes me smile. One of those hu ge SMILES that probably make others wonder what I have been up to :) I am looking forward to getting to know my fellow students and instructors. This is good! This something I own..the military can't take away or complicate. When I am there I am not defined by what has happened to me but can allow my life experiences to assist me in my studies and expand on and share.
Can you tell I am EXCITED?? So this new part of my life is a great new normal! I can't wait to see what is next...
PS Since May I have lost 25 pounds...feeling better everyday and loving moving down sizes. A lot more to go but taking it slow and learning to eat healthy.
I hope all of you out there are doing well...I am working on getting back into blogging-so much has happened both good and bad....but I will save that for another day.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sharing Feedback

My husband Rodney received this from a person who was a teacher in our high school up until a few years ago. He has kept in contact with Rodney over the years. He sent it to Rod after listening to my podcast on NotAlone. He is a very kind man, and it made me especially proud that someone who had been my English teacher so many years ago was impressed with what I had to say! It is nice to be acknowledged...wanted to share :)



"I listened to the whole thing. I am heartbroken for what you deal with daily. I am so impressed with Tracy. She is an incredible woman and a valiant fighter for you. There has never been any doubt that you are the love of her life. And, there is nothing she won't do or sacrifice for you. You are so blessed to have her. She is truly your gift from God."


Also one of his fellow soldiers who worked along side him during his 15 months on med hold. She also made me feel what I have been doing and continue to do is the right thing to do! She wrote the following...

"how powerful is that! I feel guilty now for giving up on my ex husband. However, wow, i listened and it had me in tears and swallowing hard. VERY GOOD way to get this out and she will CHANGE THE SYSTEM. It might not happen tomorrow. You will both change it. Maybe not completely; the more your voices are heard, the more power you have to make changes. I bet you are proud of her for making that blog and this recordings!"



Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

In Audio...

I wanted to let you know I checked out the http://www.notalone.com/ site last night and our story in my own words (with a lot of editing on their part..thank goodness...so not alot of ummms in between words). Rodney and I listened to it together last night. It sounds ok..so now you will know what my voice sounds like...weird to me! :) As the storyteller of our journey, I pray it will help some other spouse or family.

The entire site is amazing but to listen to our journey in words go to Battling the System for Your Warrior

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

PS I was accepted to the Master's program for social welfare starting in August 2009..My first step to being in the system to help families of wounded warriors as a social worker!

A Letter to My Dad...Kenneth Wayne Curtis

Hi Dad-

It has been a long time since I last saw you, since we hugged and you kissed me, since I heard you say "I love you and everything will be alright Trace". How could today be 6 years since you left this world??

I sometimes forget for a split second that you aren't a phone call away. I would love to know that if I got into my car and drove for 5 hours that I could find you fishing on the lake in the pontoon boat you were going to buy , but never got the chance. I miss Arkansas..but without you there or Grandma & Grandpa , I don't have any connection, it is just a place.

I miss you beyond comprehension. Lisa and I talk about you and that helps. We have memories and we make each other laugh remembering, I know that makes you happy looking down upon us. You loved to laugh and tell stories..I miss that the very most. I watch the tape sometimes of you down by the low water bridge by Ponca just to hear your voice. I am so thankful to have that tape. You , Connor and I had so much fun that day.

You would be proud of my kids..your grandkids. They are growing up despite me as you would have said and some days I am not sure I am doing this parenting thing right..the letting go is hard!

They all remind me of you in their own ways. Taylor is an adventurer like you were and she gets asked like you did if she has any oriental heritage..it is those almond shaped eyes! She is living in Oklahoma, trying so hard to make a life for herself. She will be 20 years old next month. She was so brave and composed at your funeral dad..only 13 years old and singing a song to bring comfort to all of us. "I Can Only Imagine" is the song and it bring me joy and sometimes overwhelming sadness but it is the inspiration for the tattoo I have in your memory. Bet you never thought I would do the tattoo thing-I remember you panther on your arm and asking you questions about it as I grew up.

Our Carley is now 16 and so smart, mature and kind hearted. She still keeps the picture in her room of you and her together from the day you moved from Kansas back to Arkansas. That little pig-tailed girl is now a beautiful young lady with a wicked sense of humor! I think you and her would most definitely enjoy each other's company! She is still a talker, which I know is all due to you :)

Connor was only 5 when you passed away but he still remembers you, I am so grateful for that. He is 5 ft. 6 inches now...I know that is taller that you were and he isn't even 12 yet. He is all boy, playing soccer and baseball and anything else involving running, jumping etc.. He is a handsome guy but I have to say of all my kids reminds me the most of me at his age in appearance...long legged and skinny! I wish you and him could've been buddies, but I do keep you alive by talking about you to him and he does ask. He would love to have something of yours but that hasn't happened.

Things with Sheri and Sharon haven't worked out dad. I hope that doesn't disappoint you too much. I just couldn't play the games I had played for 30 plus years. I hope Sharon comes around someday and allows me and the kids to have reminders of you for sentimental value, but it isn't necessary for me to remember you..I have my memories and no one can take them.

I often wonder what my life would be like if you were still a phone call or drive away..would the last almost 3 years of dealing with Rodney's deployment and then being wounded have been easier because I had you around...I will never know. That makes me sad but I then realize I can still talk to you and you do know what is going on, even if I can't touch you or hear you. So keep watching over me Daddy! I am trying to be strong and get through-I just wish I could hear one more time "it will all work out Trace".

I love you and miss you everyday...until we see each other again...I will Keep Imagining!

Love you always

your daughter
Tracy Lynne Curtis

Telling Our Story

I am getting the most awesome opportunity today to share our story about our Priceless Journey (if you haven't read our story from the beginning go back to Oct. 2007 archives). I will have two hours to talk about deployment, when Rodney was wounded and the real heart of the story which followed up until this very minute. I feel blessed to be given the avenue in which to share on a site called notalone.com. This is a place on the Internet where I can go to listen to other's stories, read and share on the forum, and learn what has worked in their situations. The chance to be able to be in the company of others who have made similar journeys is a priceless gift in it's self. I have been searching for so long...now I know I am not alone.

I will share with you all when you can hear my feed on the site.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

AWOL

HI to all you in Blogland..
I thought I needed to check in...I am still here just a lot of STUFF going on-I have so much to catch up on telling as well as seeing what you all have been up to.
I have recently discovered the world of FACEBOOK! So you can find me on there Tracy Curtis Price.
I promise I will update soon my friends..I don't promise anything very often so I don't take promising lightly. BE BACK SOON!!!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy