A Connection ...Army Spouse to Army Spouse.

I wanted to share an email I received after a reader found my blog and read it. She then contacted me through email. It was awesome! The reasons I started this blog in October 2007 were many, but the main one being to connect with others in our situation. I was so desperate back then to share information and to gain knowledge.

I have really not been a faithful blogger for some time now. Couple reasons...one I felt like I was being censored by people who felt I was sharing too much, so I guess I gave in.Also I developed a trigger to my secondary PTSD, which was using the computer. I think that happened...sorry I analyze everything...since every since Rodney was deployed the Internet was my lifeline to what was happening over in Iraq as well as when he returned home after being wounded...it was my way of searching, and locating information. I became obsessed and would have anxiety attacks on a normal basis. I had to back away a little...so Facebook became my means of contact with my blogger friends. Ok I am way off subject...

Below is the email letter I received and then responded to. Now I remember why I Blog!

Dear Tracy,

I enjoyed reading your Blog, I found you as a follower of the "Wife of a Wounded Soldier" Blog.

A few days ago I felt compelled to start my own Blog. As the spouse of a combat veteran suffering from PTSD and TBI I realized the unique challenges I face on a daily basis.

I would be honored if you would read my new Blog “The Combat Veteran Spouse - Living in the Shadow of PTSD” I would love to know your thoughts.

http://combatvetspouse.blogspot.com/

The war in Iraq is churning out thousands of young men and women who are returning home changed forever. For those that live with them, the transformation in their loved one can be overwhelming. There is no handbook accompanying the returning veteran, and if there was it would read “Dear spouse……you are now the proud recipient of returning veteran whose mind, body and soul have been changed forever. Forget what you knew about them before they were deployed….oh, and good luck finding a support group near you that deals exclusively in the trials and challenges you are about to face!”


Thank you so much for your time....and please feel free to share this link with others.
Warmest Regards,
D</em>

My response:
Dear D,
I appreciate you contacting as well as reading my blog. I do not keep it as updated as much as I feel I should, but I am thankful it is there when I need it. It was a lifesaver when I needed one within the vast sea of the unknown and craziness of dealing with our "new" normal. I made many great blog friends over the last 2 plus years, who I still keep in touch with through facebook and email. I hope your blog is as therapeutic to you as mine has been to me.

I did go to your blog and read your latest entry. It hit me hard, as I read about the different medications your spouse takes. (We have our list on the fridge just in case we have to grab it for a trip to the ER.) Then I read about the self-medicating with alcohol. That is where I went into my own secondary PTSD mode and most likely why I don't read blogs like I used to. Your situation though is so familiar. You see my husband spent almost 3 months inpatient at the VA for substance abuse, coping and all the other stuff he needed to deal with emotionally. He was diagnosed as bi-polar. He came home a week prior to Christmas and it has been different, I guess I can even say better. It took a long time to get him to this point. Over the last year that was the 2nd time for treatment.. I am hopeful but not stupid. The thing is now I can truly see the extent of the TBI and PTSD which was being masked by the alcohol and over use of his prescription drugs. If he could have controlled the alcohol I wouldn't have been opposed to him using it-he has been through hell. The deal is that due to the alcohol on top of everything else he had gotten 2 DUI's, lost his license, lost his job of 13 years (he is national guard),had major court costs we couldn't afford, was constantly lying, had started acting out and having inappropriate behavior at our son's sporting activities. There was also the anger issues and chaos within our home. So as you can see your post hit me hard.

This was stuff that happened over time but it got to the point I couldn't deal anymore. I am grateful for our time apart and for his recovery. We have a relationship where I am his wife, friend as well as caregiver but I respect him and understand him more now. I don't feel bitter or look for ways to get out of the craziness of the marriage. I had an attitude 180, for that I am thankful.

Thanks for letting me share-I probably should have blogged something like that..LOL. Maybe I will use it. It took strength to reach out to me and I am here if you need an ear.

As you said the military doesn't tell us how to do what we do. The way I have found to find the resources and information is to search like crazy, ask a lot of questions and develop relationships with other wife's with wounded warriors. The Wounded Warrior project and the site www.notalone.com has been to of the best organizations I have found. So I guess what I am saying sharing information and our stories is what we CAN do!

I will follow your blog and feel free to comment or email anytime. As far as your blog goes there is not right or wrong, just write what feels right. Readers will find you. Use the tags at the bottom of each blog entry. Comment on other's blogs. Best of Luck!
Tracy

So I hope you all check out D's blog and keep coming back to mine, your support is so appreciated.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

It’s your job to educate civilians on military life

It’s your job to educate civilians on military life

It is my job...I hope you take the time to read a contemplate, even if your don't think it affects you. 5 years ago I believed that to. Remember those that served in Vietnam, Korea. WWII and WWI...they fought and came home damaged we just didn't understand it. Now we can!
Thanks

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Moments 2009

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Women...I can't figure them out???

UGH!!!!! *&^$#*&^!@*+"? (cursing!!!)

I have been feeling like I am back in High School lately. I did it once and that was more than enough. The experience of dealing with girls/ladies/grown women can be challenging and very confusing to me. Seems weird since I am one of them???

I recently became part of a crazy weird situation and now feel ostrasized for a reason I am not sure of. I don't think I did anything but I apprently pissed them off in some way or I am not possibly good enough to be their friend (yeah right).

After everything that has happened in my family's world in the last three years these were the people who were supposed to understand and be there to support each other. It is so insane, but I can't get it out of my head. I want to know what has happened and if it is a misunderstanding straighten it out and if not know where I stand so I can be there in my own defense. It is so disheartening. Women can be so petty and mean!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas 2009 ...is over!

I cannot believe that Christmas has come and gone for another year BUT....I am so thrilled it is!!!

Actually I did not enjoy the time leading up to Christmas at all this year. I just never got into the spirit of the season. I waited until the week of to shop, didn't put up the tree and decorations until 2 days prior to Christmas, and saved the wrapping until Christmas Eve. I kept waiting to feel like singing "Jingle Bells" or to get excited about seeing my kids opening their gifts I had shopped for.
I do so miss the days when we counted down the days, the kids wrote multiple lists to Santa and I shopped for the perfect gift to hear them squeal on Christmas morning. We have our traditions and the kids still want to take part in some of them but I just had to force myself to do it all. I did enjoy Christmas Eve with my family at my mom's house and Christmas was enjoyable, but nothing like I would have liked it to be. The best events of the holiday was seeing my nephew Ethan who flew in from San Diego (he moves there in August) and seeing Connor open up his footie jammies I thought he would hate and freak out about, but no he absolutly was over-joyed!

I have many theories as to why I didn't "catch the holiday fever"...

1.) Rodney was in the VA for 2 1/2 months getting PTSD and dealing with some emotional demons from the war. It was the best place for him, but I was very lonely and overwhelmed with dealing with everything. The idea of Christmas on top of it all was more than I could really deal with?? He didn't come home until the 18th, then I had help but I felt rushed. It was good to have a partner though and he actually did more shopping with me this year than anytime in the last 13 years!

2.) My kids don't really need anything nor did I or Rodney. The lists I did get were shocking at first since they were so specific. I felt like no matter what I would disapoint one of them. They seemed so ungrateful and I sure didn't expect any squeals. I felt like a failure as a mom-how did I raise these children who didn't seem to understand the true reason for the season and were more concerned about what they were getting as opposed to giving. Taylor did surprise me by buying gifts for each of us with her full-time job money. The traditions we kept like the opening of the ornaments and P.J.'s Christmas Eve...but they totally forgot about putting baby Jesus in the nativity scene and singing Happy Birthday Jesus.

3.)So maybe since the last couple years we haven't been involved in church. I know I need that and Rodney had that in the VA so I will work on that in 2010. Whether the kids think they need it as teens and young adults-I am not sure , but I think if we are to bring God back into our everyday life....it will help...it has to!

4.) I am so tired of living in this place..this duplex...where all the bad memories exist. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a roof over my head...I am-We just need a bigger place for the 5 of us. We need a place for the kids to have friends over, we need a place for Rodney to be able to do his crafts and have a place to de-compress. His dr. said he needs that to stay in a good place, and I want that for him, I want that for our family, so we can move on.

Which I quess all adds up to me just wanting to get on with life, for my family to work together and get counseling so not only will Rodney heal we will as well...
I personally have made personal changes losing weight, getting healthier and going back to school. My hope for next year's holidays I want a family who is happy and in a better place physically and emotionally, THEN I will be singing "Jingle Bells"...over and over!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Film About A Family of a Warrior

This movie hasn't come out yet...but when it does I want to be first in line!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Alive Day

Two years ago at this time I began this blog. I was still so entrenched in being the "wife of a wounded soldier". I was trying to decide how I should feel about the one year anniversary of Rodney being wounded. It was a very difficult, emotional and confusing time. We were dealing with the what's, the whys and the who's of the military process.

Where are we today 2 years later on now what we know to be called his "Alive Day"? Not so stuck in the everyday bureaucracy..either because we are further down the road or just tired of dealing with something you can't move any faster than even if you try. I am much more cynical that is for sure. I am letting go of the victim associated with being the "wife of a wounded" soldier-because I have to so I can move forward...live again. I will always have had this experience and wouldn't be pursuing a master's in Social Welfare if we hadn't gone through hell and back.
The process of making sure our family gets the benefits we are entitled to continues. We are waiting on the permanent and total rating from the VA-so I can have assistance with money for school (that would help tremendously!) ....but we still wait. The other is shocking to most people....as of today Rodney has still not been released from the Kansas National Guard even though he hasn't done anything like drill since he returned home...He started the med board process which entails meeting with more/different doctors to say he is unfit for duty. This process could take up to a year when he is actually done...he has one more appointment he has to attend but it hasn't been scheduled. Once he is rated by the army (VA and Military ratings are completely different in case you didn't know that-all your tax dollars hard at work!!!)
We hope to have free health insurance for our family for life but who know??
See the cynical is coming out...sorry ;(
So are there any big "Alive Day" celebrations today...that answer is no. It is like any other ordinary day except for the fact that three years later Rodney is inpatient and most likely will be for a while our lives at home are less chaotic, we are without him again. He is not off fighting insurgents but instead battling the demons left over by war and working on things in his head that should have been addressed 3 years ago,but they take care of the physical first (I was told that at Fort Gordon after he was wounded). I am sad, but also so numb. Our family is in shambles.
Maybe it just took this amount of time to get to this place....I don't have the answers. I wish someone did, but they don't. We are not the only families in turmoil because of our situation....there are countless others. We aren't on the 5 o'clock news ...we are just dealing the best we can. Someday maybe the world will notice, but for now the world doesn't want to hear about it. So as a social worker I have my job cut out for me....job security???

The good news is....I am doing better, going to school, feeling more confident-more like the me I wasn't sure still existed, I have lost some of the baggage I was carrying-30 lbs of it and I am reaching out to friends. I am living life again!! I am still the wife of a wounded soldier, but I am not wearing it like a huge sign, it is just a part of me, not the total of who I am!

SO to Rodney...."Happy Alive Day"! It is a miracle and something worth remembering and celebrating. Sorry we can't be together to do it. Keep fighting and putting the pieces together on your end.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My Life as a MSW Student

Hello to everyone..
I am busy getting used to going to school after a 23 year hiatus. It is actually all very interesting and gets my intellectual juices flowing. I have gone in with 3 years of advocacy experience with the military...etc.... and I am learning everyday I have made the right decision. I love my instructors, my classmates come from so may different backgrounds and points in their lives and the material...well it may be overwhelming at times but in the end it all works out. I have many projects due in the next 2 months. I am trying not to freak out too much...taking it a little at a time and I guess I work better under pressure. Undergrad was easier but I also didn't have a family, so that might explain some of the procrastinating.

The projects I have coming up include a paper about any social agency of my choice. I hope to do it on Parents as Teachers, which is a program I had the pleasure of getting to take part in when my kids were little. I also have a big group project on a homeless population. Our group has chosen Foster Kids Aging Out. It is very confusing especially being a group deal..I still have faith we will figure it all out! I am also doing an project with advocacy interviewing a congressman about some veteran & families of veterans. So that is a few of them...so far no tests..but the writing of paper's isn't something I am real confident about..we have to write in APA format??? So as you can tell I am excited but still in the adjustment stage. I am trying to work it all into the crazy life I already live...and you know what I like myself more every day!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Stepping Outside the Normal

Last evening a monumantal event occured in my life. Nothing with balloons or fireworks, just me walking into a classroom full of other students and taking a seat. I STARTED GRAD SCHOOL! I was anxious and actually a few minutes late due to traffic but I made it and I am so excited for this experience. Studying to get my Master's in Social Welfare feels so right! I am so sure about something for the first time in a long time. The challenge of school and knowing I will someday be a part of the change in something I am passionate about... makes me smile. One of those hu ge SMILES that probably make others wonder what I have been up to :) I am looking forward to getting to know my fellow students and instructors. This is good! This something I own..the military can't take away or complicate. When I am there I am not defined by what has happened to me but can allow my life experiences to assist me in my studies and expand on and share.
Can you tell I am EXCITED?? So this new part of my life is a great new normal! I can't wait to see what is next...
PS Since May I have lost 25 pounds...feeling better everyday and loving moving down sizes. A lot more to go but taking it slow and learning to eat healthy.
I hope all of you out there are doing well...I am working on getting back into blogging-so much has happened both good and bad....but I will save that for another day.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sharing Feedback

My husband Rodney received this from a person who was a teacher in our high school up until a few years ago. He has kept in contact with Rodney over the years. He sent it to Rod after listening to my podcast on NotAlone. He is a very kind man, and it made me especially proud that someone who had been my English teacher so many years ago was impressed with what I had to say! It is nice to be acknowledged...wanted to share :)



"I listened to the whole thing. I am heartbroken for what you deal with daily. I am so impressed with Tracy. She is an incredible woman and a valiant fighter for you. There has never been any doubt that you are the love of her life. And, there is nothing she won't do or sacrifice for you. You are so blessed to have her. She is truly your gift from God."


Also one of his fellow soldiers who worked along side him during his 15 months on med hold. She also made me feel what I have been doing and continue to do is the right thing to do! She wrote the following...

"how powerful is that! I feel guilty now for giving up on my ex husband. However, wow, i listened and it had me in tears and swallowing hard. VERY GOOD way to get this out and she will CHANGE THE SYSTEM. It might not happen tomorrow. You will both change it. Maybe not completely; the more your voices are heard, the more power you have to make changes. I bet you are proud of her for making that blog and this recordings!"



Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy