Women...I can't figure them out???

UGH!!!!! *&^$#*&^!@*+"? (cursing!!!)

I have been feeling like I am back in High School lately. I did it once and that was more than enough. The experience of dealing with girls/ladies/grown women can be challenging and very confusing to me. Seems weird since I am one of them???

I recently became part of a crazy weird situation and now feel ostrasized for a reason I am not sure of. I don't think I did anything but I apprently pissed them off in some way or I am not possibly good enough to be their friend (yeah right).

After everything that has happened in my family's world in the last three years these were the people who were supposed to understand and be there to support each other. It is so insane, but I can't get it out of my head. I want to know what has happened and if it is a misunderstanding straighten it out and if not know where I stand so I can be there in my own defense. It is so disheartening. Women can be so petty and mean!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas 2009 ...is over!

I cannot believe that Christmas has come and gone for another year BUT....I am so thrilled it is!!!

Actually I did not enjoy the time leading up to Christmas at all this year. I just never got into the spirit of the season. I waited until the week of to shop, didn't put up the tree and decorations until 2 days prior to Christmas, and saved the wrapping until Christmas Eve. I kept waiting to feel like singing "Jingle Bells" or to get excited about seeing my kids opening their gifts I had shopped for.
I do so miss the days when we counted down the days, the kids wrote multiple lists to Santa and I shopped for the perfect gift to hear them squeal on Christmas morning. We have our traditions and the kids still want to take part in some of them but I just had to force myself to do it all. I did enjoy Christmas Eve with my family at my mom's house and Christmas was enjoyable, but nothing like I would have liked it to be. The best events of the holiday was seeing my nephew Ethan who flew in from San Diego (he moves there in August) and seeing Connor open up his footie jammies I thought he would hate and freak out about, but no he absolutly was over-joyed!

I have many theories as to why I didn't "catch the holiday fever"...

1.) Rodney was in the VA for 2 1/2 months getting PTSD and dealing with some emotional demons from the war. It was the best place for him, but I was very lonely and overwhelmed with dealing with everything. The idea of Christmas on top of it all was more than I could really deal with?? He didn't come home until the 18th, then I had help but I felt rushed. It was good to have a partner though and he actually did more shopping with me this year than anytime in the last 13 years!

2.) My kids don't really need anything nor did I or Rodney. The lists I did get were shocking at first since they were so specific. I felt like no matter what I would disapoint one of them. They seemed so ungrateful and I sure didn't expect any squeals. I felt like a failure as a mom-how did I raise these children who didn't seem to understand the true reason for the season and were more concerned about what they were getting as opposed to giving. Taylor did surprise me by buying gifts for each of us with her full-time job money. The traditions we kept like the opening of the ornaments and P.J.'s Christmas Eve...but they totally forgot about putting baby Jesus in the nativity scene and singing Happy Birthday Jesus.

3.)So maybe since the last couple years we haven't been involved in church. I know I need that and Rodney had that in the VA so I will work on that in 2010. Whether the kids think they need it as teens and young adults-I am not sure , but I think if we are to bring God back into our everyday life....it will help...it has to!

4.) I am so tired of living in this place..this duplex...where all the bad memories exist. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a roof over my head...I am-We just need a bigger place for the 5 of us. We need a place for the kids to have friends over, we need a place for Rodney to be able to do his crafts and have a place to de-compress. His dr. said he needs that to stay in a good place, and I want that for him, I want that for our family, so we can move on.

Which I quess all adds up to me just wanting to get on with life, for my family to work together and get counseling so not only will Rodney heal we will as well...
I personally have made personal changes losing weight, getting healthier and going back to school. My hope for next year's holidays I want a family who is happy and in a better place physically and emotionally, THEN I will be singing "Jingle Bells"...over and over!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Film About A Family of a Warrior

This movie hasn't come out yet...but when it does I want to be first in line!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Alive Day

Two years ago at this time I began this blog. I was still so entrenched in being the "wife of a wounded soldier". I was trying to decide how I should feel about the one year anniversary of Rodney being wounded. It was a very difficult, emotional and confusing time. We were dealing with the what's, the whys and the who's of the military process.

Where are we today 2 years later on now what we know to be called his "Alive Day"? Not so stuck in the everyday bureaucracy..either because we are further down the road or just tired of dealing with something you can't move any faster than even if you try. I am much more cynical that is for sure. I am letting go of the victim associated with being the "wife of a wounded" soldier-because I have to so I can move forward...live again. I will always have had this experience and wouldn't be pursuing a master's in Social Welfare if we hadn't gone through hell and back.
The process of making sure our family gets the benefits we are entitled to continues. We are waiting on the permanent and total rating from the VA-so I can have assistance with money for school (that would help tremendously!) ....but we still wait. The other is shocking to most people....as of today Rodney has still not been released from the Kansas National Guard even though he hasn't done anything like drill since he returned home...He started the med board process which entails meeting with more/different doctors to say he is unfit for duty. This process could take up to a year when he is actually done...he has one more appointment he has to attend but it hasn't been scheduled. Once he is rated by the army (VA and Military ratings are completely different in case you didn't know that-all your tax dollars hard at work!!!)
We hope to have free health insurance for our family for life but who know??
See the cynical is coming out...sorry ;(
So are there any big "Alive Day" celebrations today...that answer is no. It is like any other ordinary day except for the fact that three years later Rodney is inpatient and most likely will be for a while our lives at home are less chaotic, we are without him again. He is not off fighting insurgents but instead battling the demons left over by war and working on things in his head that should have been addressed 3 years ago,but they take care of the physical first (I was told that at Fort Gordon after he was wounded). I am sad, but also so numb. Our family is in shambles.
Maybe it just took this amount of time to get to this place....I don't have the answers. I wish someone did, but they don't. We are not the only families in turmoil because of our situation....there are countless others. We aren't on the 5 o'clock news ...we are just dealing the best we can. Someday maybe the world will notice, but for now the world doesn't want to hear about it. So as a social worker I have my job cut out for me....job security???

The good news is....I am doing better, going to school, feeling more confident-more like the me I wasn't sure still existed, I have lost some of the baggage I was carrying-30 lbs of it and I am reaching out to friends. I am living life again!! I am still the wife of a wounded soldier, but I am not wearing it like a huge sign, it is just a part of me, not the total of who I am!

SO to Rodney...."Happy Alive Day"! It is a miracle and something worth remembering and celebrating. Sorry we can't be together to do it. Keep fighting and putting the pieces together on your end.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My Life as a MSW Student

Hello to everyone..
I am busy getting used to going to school after a 23 year hiatus. It is actually all very interesting and gets my intellectual juices flowing. I have gone in with 3 years of advocacy experience with the military...etc.... and I am learning everyday I have made the right decision. I love my instructors, my classmates come from so may different backgrounds and points in their lives and the material...well it may be overwhelming at times but in the end it all works out. I have many projects due in the next 2 months. I am trying not to freak out too much...taking it a little at a time and I guess I work better under pressure. Undergrad was easier but I also didn't have a family, so that might explain some of the procrastinating.

The projects I have coming up include a paper about any social agency of my choice. I hope to do it on Parents as Teachers, which is a program I had the pleasure of getting to take part in when my kids were little. I also have a big group project on a homeless population. Our group has chosen Foster Kids Aging Out. It is very confusing especially being a group deal..I still have faith we will figure it all out! I am also doing an project with advocacy interviewing a congressman about some veteran & families of veterans. So that is a few of them...so far no tests..but the writing of paper's isn't something I am real confident about..we have to write in APA format??? So as you can tell I am excited but still in the adjustment stage. I am trying to work it all into the crazy life I already live...and you know what I like myself more every day!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Stepping Outside the Normal

Last evening a monumantal event occured in my life. Nothing with balloons or fireworks, just me walking into a classroom full of other students and taking a seat. I STARTED GRAD SCHOOL! I was anxious and actually a few minutes late due to traffic but I made it and I am so excited for this experience. Studying to get my Master's in Social Welfare feels so right! I am so sure about something for the first time in a long time. The challenge of school and knowing I will someday be a part of the change in something I am passionate about... makes me smile. One of those hu ge SMILES that probably make others wonder what I have been up to :) I am looking forward to getting to know my fellow students and instructors. This is good! This something I own..the military can't take away or complicate. When I am there I am not defined by what has happened to me but can allow my life experiences to assist me in my studies and expand on and share.
Can you tell I am EXCITED?? So this new part of my life is a great new normal! I can't wait to see what is next...
PS Since May I have lost 25 pounds...feeling better everyday and loving moving down sizes. A lot more to go but taking it slow and learning to eat healthy.
I hope all of you out there are doing well...I am working on getting back into blogging-so much has happened both good and bad....but I will save that for another day.
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sharing Feedback

My husband Rodney received this from a person who was a teacher in our high school up until a few years ago. He has kept in contact with Rodney over the years. He sent it to Rod after listening to my podcast on NotAlone. He is a very kind man, and it made me especially proud that someone who had been my English teacher so many years ago was impressed with what I had to say! It is nice to be acknowledged...wanted to share :)



"I listened to the whole thing. I am heartbroken for what you deal with daily. I am so impressed with Tracy. She is an incredible woman and a valiant fighter for you. There has never been any doubt that you are the love of her life. And, there is nothing she won't do or sacrifice for you. You are so blessed to have her. She is truly your gift from God."


Also one of his fellow soldiers who worked along side him during his 15 months on med hold. She also made me feel what I have been doing and continue to do is the right thing to do! She wrote the following...

"how powerful is that! I feel guilty now for giving up on my ex husband. However, wow, i listened and it had me in tears and swallowing hard. VERY GOOD way to get this out and she will CHANGE THE SYSTEM. It might not happen tomorrow. You will both change it. Maybe not completely; the more your voices are heard, the more power you have to make changes. I bet you are proud of her for making that blog and this recordings!"



Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

In Audio...

I wanted to let you know I checked out the http://www.notalone.com/ site last night and our story in my own words (with a lot of editing on their part..thank goodness...so not alot of ummms in between words). Rodney and I listened to it together last night. It sounds ok..so now you will know what my voice sounds like...weird to me! :) As the storyteller of our journey, I pray it will help some other spouse or family.

The entire site is amazing but to listen to our journey in words go to Battling the System for Your Warrior

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

PS I was accepted to the Master's program for social welfare starting in August 2009..My first step to being in the system to help families of wounded warriors as a social worker!

A Letter to My Dad...Kenneth Wayne Curtis

Hi Dad-

It has been a long time since I last saw you, since we hugged and you kissed me, since I heard you say "I love you and everything will be alright Trace". How could today be 6 years since you left this world??

I sometimes forget for a split second that you aren't a phone call away. I would love to know that if I got into my car and drove for 5 hours that I could find you fishing on the lake in the pontoon boat you were going to buy , but never got the chance. I miss Arkansas..but without you there or Grandma & Grandpa , I don't have any connection, it is just a place.

I miss you beyond comprehension. Lisa and I talk about you and that helps. We have memories and we make each other laugh remembering, I know that makes you happy looking down upon us. You loved to laugh and tell stories..I miss that the very most. I watch the tape sometimes of you down by the low water bridge by Ponca just to hear your voice. I am so thankful to have that tape. You , Connor and I had so much fun that day.

You would be proud of my kids..your grandkids. They are growing up despite me as you would have said and some days I am not sure I am doing this parenting thing right..the letting go is hard!

They all remind me of you in their own ways. Taylor is an adventurer like you were and she gets asked like you did if she has any oriental heritage..it is those almond shaped eyes! She is living in Oklahoma, trying so hard to make a life for herself. She will be 20 years old next month. She was so brave and composed at your funeral dad..only 13 years old and singing a song to bring comfort to all of us. "I Can Only Imagine" is the song and it bring me joy and sometimes overwhelming sadness but it is the inspiration for the tattoo I have in your memory. Bet you never thought I would do the tattoo thing-I remember you panther on your arm and asking you questions about it as I grew up.

Our Carley is now 16 and so smart, mature and kind hearted. She still keeps the picture in her room of you and her together from the day you moved from Kansas back to Arkansas. That little pig-tailed girl is now a beautiful young lady with a wicked sense of humor! I think you and her would most definitely enjoy each other's company! She is still a talker, which I know is all due to you :)

Connor was only 5 when you passed away but he still remembers you, I am so grateful for that. He is 5 ft. 6 inches now...I know that is taller that you were and he isn't even 12 yet. He is all boy, playing soccer and baseball and anything else involving running, jumping etc.. He is a handsome guy but I have to say of all my kids reminds me the most of me at his age in appearance...long legged and skinny! I wish you and him could've been buddies, but I do keep you alive by talking about you to him and he does ask. He would love to have something of yours but that hasn't happened.

Things with Sheri and Sharon haven't worked out dad. I hope that doesn't disappoint you too much. I just couldn't play the games I had played for 30 plus years. I hope Sharon comes around someday and allows me and the kids to have reminders of you for sentimental value, but it isn't necessary for me to remember you..I have my memories and no one can take them.

I often wonder what my life would be like if you were still a phone call or drive away..would the last almost 3 years of dealing with Rodney's deployment and then being wounded have been easier because I had you around...I will never know. That makes me sad but I then realize I can still talk to you and you do know what is going on, even if I can't touch you or hear you. So keep watching over me Daddy! I am trying to be strong and get through-I just wish I could hear one more time "it will all work out Trace".

I love you and miss you everyday...until we see each other again...I will Keep Imagining!

Love you always

your daughter
Tracy Lynne Curtis

Telling Our Story

I am getting the most awesome opportunity today to share our story about our Priceless Journey (if you haven't read our story from the beginning go back to Oct. 2007 archives). I will have two hours to talk about deployment, when Rodney was wounded and the real heart of the story which followed up until this very minute. I feel blessed to be given the avenue in which to share on a site called notalone.com. This is a place on the Internet where I can go to listen to other's stories, read and share on the forum, and learn what has worked in their situations. The chance to be able to be in the company of others who have made similar journeys is a priceless gift in it's self. I have been searching for so long...now I know I am not alone.

I will share with you all when you can hear my feed on the site.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

AWOL

HI to all you in Blogland..
I thought I needed to check in...I am still here just a lot of STUFF going on-I have so much to catch up on telling as well as seeing what you all have been up to.
I have recently discovered the world of FACEBOOK! So you can find me on there Tracy Curtis Price.
I promise I will update soon my friends..I don't promise anything very often so I don't take promising lightly. BE BACK SOON!!!
Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Want to SMILE?

Who doesn't want to SMILE??? This video was sent to me and it made me smile, laugh and brought tears to my eyes. The shear JOY was evident-I know it is mostly choreographed but I am a sucker for DANCE! I danced on a team in high school, loved dancing at clubs etc.. back in my younger days!


I enjoy the dance shows on TV immensely. I loved watching my girls dance especially Taylor who expressed herself through movement for 15 years (pray every night she will do so again).





I have come to understand with much soul searching it is one of the activities in my life thus far that has brought me happiness, fulfilment and pure joy!


I need to find a way to incorporate that into my life now. Again....any ideas???





I hope you smile! (and Dance!)

Good Dr. News!

Dr. Doesn't think at this point it is skin cancer but instead SHINGLES! I am on a med. I have to take 5x a day-he explained but I am still a little confused of the why, how and what...so you nurses out there please explain?? It is only one small spot and it itches at times-it did start out looking like a blister a couple weeks ago. My weird news for the day..
Been a actually pretty crappy day...Taylor moved today to OK, it is to frickin COLD and dreary and I am just feeling BLAH and lonely! Hope it is just for today-I had been doing really well mood wise and keeping busy and motivated.
See what Tuesday brings! For now I am going to go get in my warm jammies, watch tv and snuggle with my baby Beau!

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers! Always appreciated...

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Off to see the DR

Short post...I am off to my dr. appt.-I have a suspicious spot on my chest. Got to have it looked at. I have had skin cancer removed from 2 other areas 3x-first time when I was 30.
(chin and nose). It was basal cell carcinoma and not life threatening but still had to be taken off/out. Praying this is something different-not cancer of course. Too much sun worshipping.
Pray it all works out ok!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Sisterly Love

Carley and her boyfriend Chris broke up the other night. She has slept with me the last 2 nights-she is heartbroken. She is 16 and this is her first time to know this kind of pain most of us have experienced at least once in our life. It hurts-physically and emotionally. She keeps telling me she wants the pain to go away-all I can do is tell her it will...give her hugs...reassure her she will come out of this a stronger, smarter person. I even sent her her balloons and CHOCOLATE at school.

She will be fine-I know that even if she doesn't know it yet. She is young but she is also very loyal and loves with all her heart. There is nothing wrong with that... but teenage relationships do run their course and are fleeting most of the time. Doesn't do any good to tell her this now-but she will figure it out...maybe with the help of her big sister...

In October my oldest daughter, Taylor and her fiance broke up. She had a horrific few weeks where I was her lifeline. I held her and was there to help her through a horrible time in her life.

Taylor is doing better and healing

Last night I watched through my own tears as Taylor sat next to Carley on the floor pulled her to her in an embrace, stroked her hair and soothed her with her words of experienced knowledge. It was endearing to witness and made me so proud of both of them. I have often wondered if they would ever be close like they were when they were little girls, if they would grow up and be best friends like me and my sister are-last night I watched as they shared their moment and I am reassured.

Taylor knows so well what the searing pain in her little sister's heart feels like, she remembers not being able to eat, she can recall the feeling of hopelessness and the thousands of tears. Taylor told Carley so many of the same things I told to her a few short months ago. Through her own life lesson she was able to reach out, show compassion and try to make it better for her sister.

I witnessed my girl's, my daughter's sharing sisterly love...nothing can beat that.

*added note-Connor loves his sister's too-he is obviously loyal and a male-his response was to want to beat Chris up. I had to smile and say that won't be necessary just give Carley a hug!:)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Where was I today?

Today was an Historical Day for our great country! It is one of those day's where other's will ask in the future where were you, did you see the swearing in ceremony for President Barack Obama? I am happy to say I was able to watch the inauguration ceremony for this 44th President, who is the new hope for this nation. A very exciting time during a time when our country is struggling, but the future doesn't look so bleak now as far as I am concerned. I have hope for change and change is needed and is good!!

Lots of change happening in my personal life these days-change is tough & painful it is also empowering and something that has to happen for growth to occur. so as I said before...CHANGE IS GOOD!

So where was I??? Well we know I was watching the festivities-no I wasn't there..I wish!! I was sitting in the dentist chair!!!! For those who have been reading my blog for a while you might recall how much I detest going to the dentist!! I do hate it and my dentist, whom is very kind and gentle, know it! I had to have another crown done-uggh! The bad part was getting my mouth numb enough to work on my tooth..that's how I got to see so much on TV (which they have in every patient room-very cool!) Up and down I went-with a total of 7 yes seven shots!!!
I was so numb I couldn't feel my entire mouth, but the job is done for today. I was brave :) and I got to watch something historical with the hygienist and the dentist.

but I will remember this day not for the pain of the dentist-but for the future of our country and all it holds due to a new era that began today!


So where were you today??

PS-I just saw part of his speech at the Commander in Chief Ball-Thanks for mentioning the families Mr. President! HOOAH!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

We Have A Winner!

Caption contest entry winner is...Jojo at Random Insanities!

Her caption to the photo of my son and daughter was ..."You Did WHAT With The Cat?"

Thanks to all who entered. Jojo I will be emailing you about your prize which is a $25.00 gift certificate to Amazon.com!! Enjoy it!

The real story behind the pic is this: The hat is Taylor's (she is and always has been a hat freak-though I have yet to see her wear this one!). Connor saw it in her car and took it out and took it upstairs-he thought it was cool and there was no reason why he couldn't use it without asking!!! Wrong!!! His sister was pretty peeved-so later I had them re-enact their confrontation with a little extra acting involved.

So that's the real story-nothing about a cat, but the fur sure does look like it could be from one.

I love the looks on both of their faces-true actors :)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Tag... I'm It!

My friend Laura has tagged me-so I am it as they say. (I always loved the game of tag & hide and go seek when I was a kid! I can remember that feeling of adrenaline and the pure joy of running and finding the perfect hiding place in time!)

Anyway this is a little different..but also fun!

The tag says I need to go to the 4th folder on my computer photo files. Choose the 4th picture, then tell the story behind the photo.

The photo from above is actually one of my favorite pictures of my sister and me with our kids (pre-Connor days). The date is around 1994 and we are at the Lake of the Ozark's for a vacation at my sister and bro-in-law's cabin. We used to have such a great time all together there-swimming, boating, playing games, hanging out by the campfire and just being together.

The kids all played together so well and I know my girls have some of their fondest childhood memories from the "cabin". I think this was one of the first times we went after they bought it.

The girls were 2 and 5 and my nephews 4 and 7 (I think).

I look so young and skinny too-so I really love the picture :) So that my pic and my story.

Now it is your turn...I had to pick four people since 4 seems to be the theme but by all means play if you want to..

Brandy

Amy

Jojo

Amber

Here are the rules:Go to the fourth folder on your computer where you store photos. Select your fourth picture (no exceptions)Post the picture with a story and a link to the person who tagged you tag 4 people to do the same.

Let me know if you played!!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

My First Caption Contest-Has been extended!!!

UPDATE: I hope for all of you who have left a caption suggestion so far don't mind too much if I extend the contest deadline until Friday at 10 p.m.!!!

Yes a contest on my blog....why you ask???? Why Not??? plus life is way too serious and complicated and busy right now I wanted to blog but my mind wasn't cooperating..so let's do this...leave your caption suggestion for the pic in the comments...prize..OF COURSE!

I haven't come up with that one yet but there will be one-gift card to something cool-I promise!

So get creative people...you have until Thursday, January 15 at 10am! I will announce the winner-make me laugh PLEASE! (the pic was posed and cracks me up. I will share the story behind it after the contest)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Looking Back

Better late than never..still on my sabbatical from blogging but I will be back soon and know I have some catching up to do..don't give up on me :)

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Missing in Action ???

I am here...just been taking a break.
Mostly due to having my computer at the computer dr.-caught a really bad virus :( So getting it re-built so it should be like new without the cost of an actually "new" computer. Just praying all my data gets transferred over-my pictures and videos are safe on my external drive or I would be much more worried. My pictures are at the top of my list of most precious things!!!!

Using another computer so I can't post any Christmas or New Year's Pics-I will do that soon!!!

The break has been good I have been busy....we took down all the Christmas decor earlier than usual this year (I am doing a Big Happy Dance!!!). Took it down Tuesday-cleaned till I was sore ..why you ask? We finally got new Living room furniture!!!!!!!! Sofa, recliner, 2 tables and an area rug!!! I love it so much!!! Oh and I got a new TV given to me for Christmas...32 inch flat screen. Now you all know where I will be spending my time-LOL.

My next big project is getting the bedroom cleaned and organized before the computer techie delivers my computer next week-too much stuff (especially papers...) and not enough room.
I dislike clutter a LOT but somehow my room is swallowing me with all of my scrapbook stuff, computer stuff, paper that needs to be gone thru plus clothes in all sizes-my closet is packed and I still have nothing to wear???

Lets see what else...oh I went to my new counselor on Monday-loved him...seeing him again tomorrow to get all the basic info. out of the way, then start on the EMDR therapy. He did diagnose me with...PTSD! Finally validation!

Went to my regular dr. yesterday-had blood work done-looking at my cholesterol, liver enzymes and to see if I have RA. I have been having issues with my feet for months, now my hands cramping and my joints in my fingers swelling along with some other symptoms. Still unsure about the stomach issues-so probably will have to have that ultra sound on my gallbladder.

Some good and some unsure but I am going to try and be in the moment in 2009! as well as not be a rug for others to walk on...I haven't forgot about my list!!!

Happy New Year to you all-Make 2009 Fine!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy