Saturday, October 20, 2007

My son! My heart is breaking!

Today I am writing about something current that is breaking my heart. My son, Connor who is 10 years old and in 5th grade seems to be so angry at his dad and I.
He has so many issues with anger and has for awhile, but now the situation seems so much worse. He saw an OT when he was 2 and 3 for issues. I was concerned then about autism. They said he was fine but somewhat behind on fine motor skills and had some problems with dealing with emotions and textile issues. Now I don't feel I can even reach him-he doesn't hear me. He just reacts. I cannot get him to look me in the eye and have a conversation with dialog going both ways. He doesn't want to do anything with us. (today we tried to take him out for breakfast after his soccer game then shopping for a hallowwen costume, and then for pumpkins-we ended up going to McDonalds to eat and he got ice cream and all he wanted to do was go home and play with his friends-he just kept pushing and making it a miserable day) He fights us on everything!!!! He lies and is very manipulative. He has stolen from his sister. He has put himself in dangerous situations. He is easily influenced. We have to be very aware of what he is doing on the computer/internet-when he even has the privledge of being on it.He can't be trusted. He plays his dad and I against each other. If he goes somewhere and we tell him he needs to be home by a certain time-he never is. He calls me and asks if he can stay the night with someone, even though we have discussed this prior to him leaving and been in agreement that he understood to not do this and why. When he calls he starts in and when I say simply-"connor you know the deal we had and you need to come home"-he still continues. If I hang up he call back again and again-then to his dad the same. We go after him and he knows this is what will happen. We ground him and contantly take things away. He gets sent to his room. We praise him and give him things to work towards. He is not deprived of toys or love. He seems to really hate us and tells me all the time I don't care about him. He sometimes still throws himseslf down on the floor during his fits-basically when we say no. He has violent episodes where he throws things. He can act much older than 10 especially when around friends.He has even started to get calls from girls. I have 2 teenage daughters-this is a whole new ballgame and always has been since he was born-but things are really out of hand. I have to say I actually dread him coming home from school because I know the craziness will begin-I try to prepare myself, offer him choices but in the end all is the same. I hardly ever see him smile anymore but he seems happy with his friends. I afraid to even start a conversation with him. I am so sick that this has gotten this far-I cannot imagine the issues he will face as a teenager. I am actually afraid for him. I miss my little boy and I am so broken hearted.

The weird thing is: He doesn't show the anger or violent behaviors at school or with his soccer coaches or on the field. The issues he has in school are not always doing the work, or handing it in. He is very disorganized. He says he dislikes school. His grades range from A's to F', on the same report card. He visits the school nurse often with minor ailments. Last year it was a major chore every day to get him to school, this year has been a better, but we still have what we call "Sunday night Fever"-he starts complaining. Every bruise, cut, or anything else he makes a huge production out of. We try to downplay it. He does have asthma and allergies but getting him to take the medicine is also a chore am and pm. He has pretended to take the pills and then hidden them-so now he takes right in front of us so we know he is doing it. When we tell others about these behaviors (besides family) they cannot believe Connor would act that way. His sisters are also so frustrated with him. He is their little brother but he isn't pleasent to be around.

We have been trying to find a dr. for him to do testing but haven't had much luck with our insurance. I plan to contact the school social worker on Monday whom I know and go from there. I know there is something going on and he has been thru so much this last year with his dad being wounded. I am really so ashamed that I cannot parent this child, that I cannot connect with him and that sometimes I wonder what his future is.

I don't know what to do. I feel myself pulling away from him. I feel horrible.If anyone out there has a clue what we could do I would appreciate it so much.
I feel like a failure as a parent with him most of the time-but no matter what I am his mom and I need to do what ever it takes to help him as well as bring peace to our family. We could use the prayers also!


Amy said...

I have actually been trying to catch up on your blogs. I did read this entry and you asked for some feedback. I will give you my two cents, for whatever it's worth. I have a son that just turned 11 last month and he's in the 4th grade, his name is Austin. Austin has issues with anxiey and has ADHD. He has been behind in school since he started and is a year behind now. It was a long road to finally get him on the right meds. We also try to do special stuff with him because he's the oldest. He has been through so much in his life, and seen way too much. He has started to get angry with me a few times. We did have him see a doctor to just talk too and that seemed to help. Sometimes I have to go out of my way to find him doing something right but I always praise him. He has been a huge challenge to say the least but he's well worth it. It sounds like Connor is scared to death of losing his mom or dad. 10 is a weird age for boys, they start to turn!! They are getting new hormones and growing in weird places. My advice would be to just continue loving him and letting him know that you have his back no matter what. And get him in to talk to someone that can help with unresolved issues.
Praying for your family.

Connie Frisby-Griffin said...

I found you from Katia's page. One thing you may want to research is a gluten free diet. I know a lot of kids with autism and seizures have tried it with success. It's not easy but well worth it. And, it's gotten easier than it was even 3 years ago. Gluten intolerance is a hereditary thing and usually shows up as stomach problems but many don't get that until they are older. Instead they struggle with behavior problems even colic as infants. You can be tested for it with a blood test but it's common to get false negatives. There are no false positives though. You don't need the diagnosis to start a gluten free diet. It's basically going back to the basics with food.

If you have more questions, feel free to email me.

Anonymous said...

Tracy, I am a mom of a 10 yr. old and a school teacher. Please know that the feelings you have toward your son are normal. Believe me, there are plenty of days when I don't want to be around my son. I do know that friends have such a huge negative impact on home behavior. I teach many kids that are great in school, but go nuts at home. Some advice: 1. Go to your local childrens hospital to behavioral science department and get an appointment for a behavioral evaluation. 2. Your local school district should also provide an evaluation free of charge (your school taxes pay for this) the school guidance counselor and request a psychoeducational evaluation. 3. Play hardball with your son at home.....tough love.....If he doesn't do or say or act in an appropriate way don't let him go out to play w/ his friends. When he does play w/ his friends, monitor what they are doing....have them play in your yard....10 is about the age that kids may start experimenting.
Here is my email if you want to talk:
Hope some of the info. I gave you helps some. I really empathize!!

Karen said...

Keeping you all in my thoughts.

Karalyn said...

I also found your site on Katia's message board. I SO understand what you are going through. I am dealing with many of the same behaviors with my 7 year old stepson. We have custody of him and have being trying desperately to help him for years now. His problems do extend to his behavior at school and they have been no help. We have been to psychologists,neurologists,psych-
iatrists and even an outpatient program and have not made much improvement. It is such a battle but you have to fight for your son. We are currently looking at a diagnoses of ADHD,bipolar,anxiety disorde. We're also looking at the possibility of ODD and Attachment disorder, as his bi-mom left him when he was younger. Just hang in there and keep fighting for your son. If you want you can e-mail me, I would be glad to help you in anyway I can.