Christmas Time Pics..

We love the theater! Kiddos posing by sign in the snow and cold to make their momma happy!

Beau and his Santa Claus-Santa had a short life...Beau loved him so much he put a hole in him.
He now has a snowman-spoiled I know!

Can't Believe these are my babies...what happened to the time??? Connor is giving his "model cool look"...he is only 11 and taller than both of his sister's. I knew the day would come but it snuck up on me! They posed for me before leaving to see the "Christmas Carol" in the city the other night.

Message to self....
Christmas is When???

Yes, Tracy...Christmas is in less than 3 days..so get off your butt and wrap those gifts for those rotten, beautiful children!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Icky Sicky

Well I certainly didn't plan on starting my first day after turning 45 years old really feeling like an old person-but I do believe I have a stomach virus! ICK! I have all the fun symptoms described on the the pepto-bismol commericals plus feel achy all over, my head is pounding and I wake up drenched in sweat, right now siting at the computer I am freezing!


So icky sicky me isn't getting anything done...like wrapping nothing under the tree except for the 3 gifts Connor bought when he went shopping with my mom today and then came home and wrapped them-they are for me,Taylor and Carley. Bless his little heart! He even hung the stockings today. I know he is so bored right now and mama ain't much fun being sick (I did play Scene It last night for a couple hours from the recliner).

I need to feel better soon-those gifts aren't going to get wrapped themselves, plus I still have a little shopping to do-one more Target run hopefully!

Carley left for her Dad's this afternoon for 4 days-she will get home Christmas eve. Miss her already! Taylor has been working and hanging with friends.

I will post about my b-day soon-it was a good day overall!

Off to take a shower and hopefully feel less icky!


Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Joy, my birthday and a new outlook!

This is the two part kind folks! I had planned to post about my birthday which will be upon me in less than 5 minutes-so I will be 45 by the time I finish this post.

First Part:

I have tears in my eyes as I start this post-tears of happiness after reading all the comments about our Christmas tree. It is brings me such joy to hear someone say "You are doing good Tracy..keep it up!"

I will admit each day is a struggle-I cry, I get angry, I lose it for some simple little thing like I can't find something, I am lonely, I am stressed, confused and I am doing whatever it takes to get through the day.

I also have moments where I laugh, smile and am hopeful. I want each day to get easier-I know I have so much work ahead of me.

But... Tonight Taylor, Carley, Connor and I started a new holiday tradition-we went to the theater to see "Christmas Carol". I loved the show and our seats were perfect. The kids seem to have a good time also.I asked them if they wanted to try and make it a new tradition-all said yes! The play is of course well known and the story one of catching the Christmas spirit-not the receiving of material gifts but that of giving of ourselves, being joyful and happy, sharing time together. The holiday music was enchanting. I was in awe. It made my heart feel good to hear Connor say after the first act: "wow that went fast!"-to me that meant he was enjoying it! I felt very touched and moved by the message and energy of the performance. Maybe it was what I needed..to jump start me. Taylor even said it helped her feel more Christmas spirit. So worth it to do something with all three of my children and everyone to come away having a great experience. Tonight I felt like it was ok to be happy and love life. To have a little spring in my step and not feel weighed down with worry. To sit back and let life lead me.

2nd part: So now we move onto the birthday deal...It is official central time at 12:03 am-I am 45 and alive!

Someone once told me think of the alternative if you feel bad about getting older-LOL Guess that is true!

I really have never been a fan of my birthday-the December 18-one week before Christmas thing has always been difficult. Even as a child I remember having a Santa Claus cake for one of my b-day parties, sometimes it was even difficult to have parties since people had Christmas parties already planned. I had times where people combined my gifts for birthday and Christmas-that sucked! People wrapped my b-day gifts in Christmas paper-(not something anyone who really knows me dares do now!) I know any of you with Dec. birthdays or even early January know what I am talking about.

I grew to not have any real expectations for my birthday-I was always let down. When I was in college-I planned my own 19th and 20th birthday's-of course I had a lot of people to invite plus it was a time when any reason for a party was good! My ex-husband gave me a great 30th (semi-surprise) birthday party-it was memorable! I have always tried to make sure my kids birthdays are special-it is their day, Sometimes I even went overboard but I had my reasons and my kids do remember their b-day parties! Since the 30th it has become more about the aging thing! I have been so afraid of getting old-I let it happen just by worrying about it. So this year...many challenges ahead...

but..I want to be a 45 years old and learn to live my life again. Empower myself! Those are strong words-they mean so much to me. It is what I was telling Taylor when she was at her lowest point after her broken engagement. Gotta practice what I preach-baby girl opened my eyes!

I want to lose this darn weight (eat better and get on a workout schedule)-I want this so BAD! I want to not dread getting dressed or going shopping or looking in a mirror.

I want to take better care of this 45 year old body-get health issues taken care of-instead of avoiding the issues.

I want to get the counseling I need to heal, go to Alonon and get a better understanding of why I do what I do.

I want to find my passions again.....scrap booking, gardening, just re-discovering my inner creative self! Take a class maybe????

I want to find ways to make me feel accomplished and possibly do that by finding a way to help families of wounded soldiers.

I want to experience new things-push my limits-learn to live life now and not wait for it to start.

I want to re-connect with God-find a church family I feel supported by and that I can offer something to.

I want to be a good mom-if that means setting boundaries with my kids and being tougher then so be it.

They know I un-conditionally love them..I want them to be strong and make good choices. They are growing up-my role is changing with each of them. I want to keep working on having an open, healthy relationship with each of them.

I want to learn to forgive-let go of past hurts and move forward. Not saying forget but forgive-being angry eats at my soul.

I know that sounds like so much-it freaks me out-but I feel strong tonight, I feel hopeful, I feel I can make some changes and no matter what happens be OK! (please continue to remind me-I know on my bad days I will need to come back and read this)

So here is to 45.....BRING IT ON!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Look there is a Christmas Tree!

A Variety of Tree Pics.......Enjoy!

I have some closeups of the special ornaments of the kids. They receive an ornament each year that signifies something from that particular year. Example on the tree you can notice a soccer guy ornament (probably more than one) for Connor, A graduation year one for Taylor and a ballerina from way back that is Carley's. They will get to take them with them when they move out of the house and have their own home-I hope they will always look back a remember what each one meant. This year I am giving Taylor an ornament that looks like a pair of flip-flops (she wears them except when it is really cold), Carley's is a driver's license ornament and Connor's is a soccer cleat with his soccer team's name on it.

Some of the pics are kinda funky lighting-was experimenting with my camera and thought they turned out interesting. Could I be getting creative??? That would be a good thing!

So enjoy our Oh Christmas Tree!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Playing Catch up

I wanted to get on and say we made it back from Oklahoma intact! Norman was a busy place this weekend-lots of school spirit with OU just winning the big 12 and now Sam Bradford winning the Heisman!

It was such nice weather on Sat.-66 degrees!!! We looked at about 4 apartments-I think she has decided on one. I had to put my mom/real estate agent (I was one for 6 years) hats. Sometimes she didn't like to hear what I had to say-she is just so excited to move I don't think she is thinking too clearly. Then I remember being 19! I knew it all too. All I can do is pray all will work out for her, help where she will let me and (the hard part) let her make mistakes. I find myself even setting y boundaries more now with her. Not sure what the move date is or where she plans on going to cosmetology school??

Saturday night Taylor went to a "tacky" Christmas sweater party-she wore one of my sweaters-It has snowmen on it! I didn't think it was that bad! :) She had a good time and I spent time trying to relax-got to watch a flat screen and I was in control of the remote!

Busy week ahead...
I have a dr. appt. to have blood drawn tomorrow am to re-check my liver enzymes that were high as well as have my cholesterol checked since I had to go off the medication. I am still having tummy issues (problem is I was supposed to go have a ultra sound of my gallbladder and well..never did). I am horrible about taking care of me! I am going to try and be much more diligent about it. Have to take the car in for service (way past due!) and then I have my therapy appt. (YEAH!) I hope to get some final Christmas shopping done too! I did some while in OK-but most I did on-line. Last minute things or hard to find things-not into shopping this year either.

Taylor is done with her college classes, Carley has her high school finals this week and Connor's last day is the 18th. (My birthday is also the 18th-but that is going to be just another day I think) We are planning on going out to dinner-Red Lobster-seafood sounded good.
On the evening of the 17th (I am so excited!)-I am taking the kids to see the "Christmas Carol" at the Missouri Rep. Theater. First time for them-they all love theater so should be fun. I saw the production there many years ago. I hope it will make me "catch" the spirit of the season.
I am looking forward to Christmas eve service as well!

I need to get on and catch up on all your blogs. I don't think I will be sending Christmas Cards out but I might-so please send me your home
address by email just in case.
One last thing before I go to bed since tomorrow is a really full day and the weather is supposed to be crappy!

I heard through my sister Lisa that my half-sister, Sheri, who is 34 had a stroke Sat. and is in ICU. She lives in Arkansas with my step-mom. She has 4 kids-5-16 years old. two live with her and the older two live down the street from me. I am asking for prayers that she have a full recovery. I don't know many of the details as her and I are estranged. That sounds so weird for me to even say that. I can say there has been a lot of water under the bridge since my dad died 5 years ago. Sheri has many medical issues as well as emotional ones. I don't wish her any ill will I just can't have her in my life-it is too painful and she sucks the life out of me. Enough said-just say a prayer if you feel the desire too.

Thanks everyone.. I will update soon and post pics of the tree!
I need to start wrapping soon!!! UGH! Then there is the baking-me and the kids do usually enjoy the baking! I hope we get some time to do it this year-Christmas is coming quick!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Past

Taylor Victoria's first Christmas-1989 age 7 months (she had been so sick for about 2 months)

Carley's first Christmas (age 1 month) with big sis Taylor (3 1/2)

Connor and his first visit with Santa-age 6 1/2 months (he cried right after this pic)

Connor and Carley with Santa-approx. 2000

age 3 age 7

Wanted to add these just to remind me why I breathe! Good memories!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Blog Friends are the Best!

I have read each and every one of the comments left by my wise, supportive, and caring blog friends. I have actually read them more than once. I know everyone has fought their own battles and have current issues in their lives-so many of us deal with depression, health problems, family crisis, loneliness-That what makes it even that more amazing that you are willing to take the time to reach out to me as well as so many others. It is a community that has developed in the blogsphere-one where love, hugs, advice, prayers, tears and laughs are shared freely. I am so blessed and thankful for each and every one of you!

I am listening-I wanted to clarify that the EMDR is a therapy used for PTSD as well as anxiety. Something I have developed from the trauma and issues related to Rodney going to war and being wounded-then all the dealing with the bureaucracy-that being said I do think that my therapist will work with me on "finding" me again. I have also gotten out my Alonon books from the past (never really worked the program). I am considering starting to attend meetings. I need to be with others who have something in common as well as WORK the program-so I can better know how to heal and work on my "stuff".

That is a start! My sister is a great support to me-she has been through this and is one of the lucky ones whose husbands came out on the other side-he has been sober for 3 years know!
So when I describe a feeling-she knows to the letter what I am talking about. I have started to reach out to other friends as well-everyone seems to support the decision to have Rod leave. I know it was the right one. One thing is a common-we are all rooting for Rodney to work this out to get into recovery and be the best person he can be.

Change can only happen when something in the situation changes and breaks the cycle.
I broke the cycle-I still have hope with a lot of work "we" (Rodney and I) are still a possibility but right now I don't know and I have told him nothing is guaranteed. He wasn't happy with that but it is the way things are-he has his stuff to work on and me and the kids do to. We deserve better. I deserve to be loved better.
I have had people ask "Do you think this is his bottom?" my answer is this"I have no real idea-I do know it is my bottom-I have gone as low as I will go with him". Does that make sense?

The newest on him. He did lose his drivers license for a year. Not a good thing and he will have to deal with the consequences of that. He has signed the paperwork for diversion and is supposed to enter in-patient rehab at the VA. Not sure when, but it is a 13 week (not month-oops that would be really like a deployment) program.
Rodney needs this to save his life. We will see what happens after he gets out, until then I will continue to do what I need to do to heal, get healthy physically and emotionally and stay busy.

I did finish with the inside decorating today-can I hear a woot-woot!!!

Taylor and I leave for Oklahoma tomorrow afternoon. She is planning on making some changes in her life, The biggest being moving 5 hours away (she has friends who live near-by) and going to Cosmetology School instead of college. She needs a fresh start-she is 19 and can do that. Nothing holding her back. So we are going to go look at apartments for her and let me see the town-Norman she will be living in. Proud of her but I know I will miss her. She has come a long way in a couple months!

So I will give you more of the scoop on that when we get back-I am excited to get away and the hotel is super nice. Read, watch tv, order room service, Maybe even ....Christmas shop...I will try to enjoy :)
Connor (and Beau)is staying with my mom and step-dad (I am sure he will keep Grandma and Grandpa hopping Connor not Beau :)). Carley is with her dad and has big plans this weekend with friends. She can drive now so getting a ride to events is no longer an issue like it was sometimes before (her dad lives in the next town over).

Happy Weekends to all of you and thanks again for being there for me-I hope I do the same for you!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Desperately Seeking Me!

I feel lost.



My mind and body feel as if they are moving in slow motion.



My emotions are raw and confused. I don't know how to express myself , all the words have been used up or have been said so many times before they have lost their definition.



I try to push past that layer that is keeping me from being who I want to be again. I don't really think I have any idea anymore. I have become someone who I don't recognize-body or soul.



Nothing is making any sense-the snow, the shopping, the Christmas music on the radio, decorating, .... My heart is broken -what is there to celebrate? I push past the thoughts and just do what I need to do. I never get it all done-never! I have a plan each day to accomplish-most of the time I fail to reach my goals. Why is everything so hard?



I know what depression is-this is different. This is being lonely,easily distracted, sad, dying to be loved like I need to be loved, needing to forgive myself and love myself once more-I guess I am grieving. For what I fought so hard for. Maybe.



I have hope that with time I will develop into a closer version of myself who finds happiness and contentment, a sense of accomplishment and confidence to live again no matter what happens outside myself. I am looking, seeking me-I hope I find her.



LOOKING FOR: The new improved Tracy who doesn't need to take on the world, fight everyone else's battles, who find her creative side again, the me who loves being loved and giving love, but can love herself even without it, the women who can find joy and breathe, someone who just lives each day without worrying if time is running out or waiting for the good times to come-hopefully with healing will come more self-awareness. I want to feel serene, I want to smile, I want to feel happy all the way to my toes-

I don't want to feel like the world can be ripped out from underneath me at any second. I don't want to feel like I need a person even when he has hurt me. What is that? I know something like co-dependency-maybe! Does it really need a name-it is what it is and so many of us have done it. Why? I can still love him and not live with him for now, but why do I still feel this need to connect with him? Why do I need him?
I get so mad at myself!



Probably sounds like a lot of rambling but that pretty much how my thought processes are working right now-I am calm but feel any second I could cry. Nights are the most difficult.



I am just going to keep putting one foot in front of another. I did finally find a counselor who does the type of therapy recommended to me. It is called EMDR. I have that glimmer of hope that it will help me deal with the anxiety-which will be a huge starting place. Let the healing begin and pray that I am open to it.



Thanks for sticking with me the support from my blog is sometimes what get me through the day.

I will try and post tomorrow about the little trip Taylor and I are taking this weekend!


Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Christmas Tree Blues, Grandpa and Darn Feelings!

My Grandpa Deck and my Dad approx. 1941 (see more about this further down in post)

Added 8:09 p.m. You all are wonderful! We got it-Connor and Carley did-they amaze me! Connor my skinny muscle man-brought all the boxes and containers up from downstairs!!
Carley called Grandpa to come over to deal with the sparking pre-lit light situation since we sure don't need a fire. 2 of the 3 have put their special ornaments from over the years on the tree. (Taylor hasn't but she will). My living room is stacked with boxes, in an organized manner and I will get the rest done this week as I feel like it-PLEASE let me feel like it! I am trying, it is hard one minute and ok the next. I can't help remembering that....
Two years ago I was waiting for Rodney to get his orders to come home from Ft. Gordon, Georgia after being on med-hold there. He finally was able to come home for good on December 22, 2006, or at least I thought he was home for good. I had so many dreams for us and so many hopes. I don't get why we went through so much and ended up like this. But...We do have a tree up and most likely by Christmas will have the rest of the decor up and gifts wrapped and ready to be opened-I can do it for the kids.

*Special note: I forgot until a little while ago that today would have been my Grandpa Deck's 94th Birthday. He passed away in July 1989. Taylor was 6 weeks old. He had been very sick with complications from his diabetes. We believe he waited to meet his first great-granddaughter before passing since he died only a few days after meeting her. Miss you Grandpa-you were one of a kind and I know you would tell me about now how really tough I am. You made me realize that once along time ago when I was so afraid of a dust storm while visiting you in Arkansas. You took me out on the carport and held me tight as the wind howled and swirled around us-just to prove I would be ok and that there was nothing to be afraid of. I will try to remind myself of that more often. So Happy Birthday in Heaven-give Dad and Grandma a hug and I hope you are enjoying that special cake with the white divinity icing-that you weren't supposed to eat here but can in Heaven. :)

Is it Christmas if you don't have a tree up?
Looks like we might not be putting up the Christmas tree this year. Why? I am not the least bit mechanically inclined so I am useless in the putting it together stage. The kids tried and were arguing and getting frustrated with each other. I said it isn't worth it! They may work it out and get it figured out-and that is a great lesson for them to learn about working together. They really are good people!

Part of me is pissed at myself for not knowing how to do "everything" and that I really don't care too much about the whole decorating for Christmas "thang" this year but the majority is angry with Rodney for not being here-because he didn't take care of his problem a long time ago. This is the one way he has contributed efforts to decorate for Christmas-putting together the freaking tree! I know I can't have it both ways and I could ask for help-but I am so tired of asking for help!!!!
I mean the man was just here to pick-up his laundry and he didn't notice a big box in the middle of the living room??? He is so not emotionally invested in this family.

I am also very tired of having expectations, being angry and being lonely, and I want to feel the Christmas Spirit! I sound like such a whining brat right now-I need a hug! and a few prayers wouldn't hurt either.

I am really trying to keep God in my "conversations" going on in my head. I need him more than ever.

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

It has a Good Beat...

Some Christmas Music Please...
Makes me smile and feel like dancing! Ok I really did dance a long-but I promise I won't post that part. I love GAP ads-this is obviously the long version-note the Dixie Chicks!
I Saw this on Cassie's blog had to have it...Thanks Miss Cassie!
Visit her she is mui creative!



Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Cake Blog News Flash!!!

The amazing creation that was Carley's 16th Birthday cake is now on the blog site of the cake designer-Carley just thought it was so cool when I showed it to her I had to share it with you all. I know most of you have previously seen her Glam Hollywood inspired cake but if you want to visit the OTHER BLOG that it is on please do-if you live in the KC area I highly recommend her cakes. They are very creative ( I have even seen cakes she has done of purses-yes purses-I was thinking that Hallie might be able to get her PRADA bag after all and eat it too-LOL) The cakes are all so original as well as yummy! I have a friend whose husband plays drums in a band who is contacting Sugar and Spice Confections to see what the can do for her husband birthday cake. I am sure Melissa will be able to whip something up!

I am so glad someone has this kind of talent-oh when I first talked to Melissa (the decorator/creator) I mentioned that we watch "Ace of Cakes" on the Food Network-She has actually went to Baltimore to take classes by him and his staff. I was impressed and sold at the same time.!

WE were very satisfied customers!

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

We Are Doing OK!

I wanted to get on here and update since I have had so many supportive comments and suggestions. It has made me feel loved and validated. Thank you! Rodney is still staying away dealing with hopefully what he needs to do. The kids and I are doing fine. We plan to start decorating tonight and finish throughout the weekend.
Connor is under the weather today with a fever and sore throat-so I am trying to give him that extra attention he needs. Carley has a birthday party to go to tonight for 2 of her friends. Taylor is going to the MU vs. OU game tomorrow. They are busy and I am just trying to listen to what my body as well as soul needs right now. I have plenty to keep me busy!

I still have hope for my marriage but I know I need to find myself again and spend some time on me. I am not perfect and have made many mistakes too-relationships are not easy, but alcohol makes thing so much more difficult. Yes, he has gotten worse since he has been home from Iraq and I know his wounds and the limitations they cause frustrate him but the last 6 months have been the worst for him emotionally. He has been on a downward spiral- almost self-destructing. I have watched it happen and know I couldn't have done anymore than I did for him. I just finally had to do something for me and the kids. I just need some peace to recover from all the chaos from the last 2 years coupled with living trying to be the advocate for Rodney as well as deal with never having the security I needed emotionally. So know I have taken a stand-I have to live with that and I know it will be a process. Confusing, sad, hurtful and a lot of hard work! I am still seeking that special therapist and it is unfortunate I have run into the snag of many not taking the insurance we have. I will find someone-I need it to be the right someone who can really help me find my way. Like a life coach who know how to deal with the facet of the situation most don't have and that is the military/anxiety/PTSD side of things. I have talked to many who do this type of therapy called EMDR-I am hopeful.

Thanks to all of my blog friends for sticking by me-it gives me strength!

PS how do you like my Holiday Blog look?? Still a work in progress but at least I have decorated something. Thanks to Amber for heading me in the direction to get the holiday back ground. It was so easy go to http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.blogspot.com/.


Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Name calling!

Definition from Wikipedia of WHITE TRASH:
White trash is a pejorative term targeted at lower social class white people with poor prospects and/or low levels of education. To call someone white trash is to accuse a white person of being economically, educationally and/or culturally bankrupt. White trash should be differentiated from the more socially acceptable term Redneck, as each has a unique historical etymology and context in modern usage. While white trash is most commonly used as a pejorative, low- to middle-income rural whites often self-identify as rednecks.

Why in the world would I be posting starting out with a definition about White Trash???

Actually never thought I would, but when there has been words said insinuating to the fact that I am white trash I get a little curious as to what the exact definition is. Wouldn't you?
I have my own ideas-never would call someone that-it would be hurtful don't you think?
So I turn to wikipedia which never lets me down (unlike people who I thought actually cared about me and my kids)!-Do I sound bitter?? I think I might be just a tad??

I know I am being vague so lets just put it out there...comments appreciated!

I want to say upfront I respect my husband for being a soldier and for his sacrifices.
I have always stuck by his decision to serve and do what I had to do to keep this family going in his absence and after he was hurt. Did I fight for him? Hell yeah! I would do it again in the right circumstances. Thing is just because someone does something brave and has a purple heart doesn't give them privilege to treat others badly. So I am not trashing Rodney I am just trying to tell our story which includes some of the things below that just happen to be part of it.

12/03/2008 Last night was not a good night at my house but pretty par for the course as of late.
I haven't mentioned it because I felt it was my job to deal with and fix the situation.
Rodney has been having many issues including alcohol abuse-he has had a DUI in the last couple months. Said that was life changing-guess not enough to make him stop. He has been working with a friend of ours who is an attorney, but not to the point where he is actually fully communicating with her. He is supposed to be getting treatment-has stopped and started.
He decided to seek it through the VA and has talked about going inpatient. I believe that is what he needs but it is his choice-his deal. Well yesterday I get the mail and open it-it said he was losing his license to drive for a year?? I called him at work and of course none of it was his fault-so the old not owning up to his mistakes and taking care of them-Don't understand it and I am fed up with it! I am doing him no favors by allowing him to continue down this road of self-destruction and take me and the kids with him
So last night he is basically pissed off at the entire world-including making those of us that live with him MISERABLE and being abusive with his words. I warned him-he was acting out of control and too stop-I asked him to go to his mom and dad's, but he chose to belittle me for not having a job and taking child support from my ex for Carley. He then threatened me that if I called the police "I would be SORRY!" Sounds like a threat to me! They came and his mom and dad came and got him-he had been drinking according to the police officer.
Very dramatic and chaotic-but after he left the kids and I had a nice quiet evening-girls made dinner, we watched TV and Connor was a super well behaved kid.

So I guess I am pissed off that his family who are so blind to his problems and how very serious they are. This is really what did it!
I had a message that told me I had problems (first to admit it!! Getting help!!!) and told me what I did was a white trash thing to do. Yeah-well I don't think so-I think it was my way of helping myself and my children. I have been there through thick and thin with Rodney and I will continue to do so if he gets in recovery. Sorry if that makes me WHITE TRASH!

Oh by the way I do have a college education and I can and will get a job-but believe it or not I have things to work through because of this whole having a spouse go to war, get wounded and then being an advocate and caregiver. Without all the extra chaos I can probably find the time now.
What do you all think? Am I living off Rodney and acting like white trash or am I a wife who has been through hell and back trying to help someone who doesn't really want the help?
I want to know?? I am beside myself and pretty confused? Is it right that I have to constantly worry if he is making a decision that will impact our family in a negative way and possibly others if he hurts someone?

Not sure what to do next?? ( I am sure there will be repercussions to this post-but it had to be said I can't pretend all is rosy and wonderful-sorry!)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

A Holiday Greeting...

A little something to help get my Christmas spirit going and a shout out to all my blog readers and friends. I wanted to do this for a contest but I think I was too late-so it turned out well and I needed to get the holiday creative juices flowing. So here it is my first official greeting for Christmas 2008!

a

Make a Smilebox postcard

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

Just the Facts Ma'am

If you remember these faces then you get my title??? They are from the show "Dragnet" from a long -long time ago when yes all we had was black and white TV-I just always liked that line when some lady was going on and on and one of the guys (don't know their names??) would say
"Just the facts Ma'am"-at least that is how I remember it. So on with the post...

Since actually tapping into what is going on here at the Price Household is a little overwhelming for me right now-I thought I would do something I was tagged to do a while back from Amber over at sgtsudswife's. (sorry it took me over a month to do it-yes I do believe I have joined the club of procrastinators-not like me usually) so onto the 7 weird, random facts about me. This may be real boring so you are pre-warned..

1.) I was born in Kansas, have lived in Kansas, went to college in Kansas-so been here my whole life! Not something I could see my self doing when I was getting out of High School and ready to take on the World....I am still wishing and hoping that someday I can move to Florida, Georgia or South Carolina. Warmer there you know!!!

2.) I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 22 years old and fresh out of college.
It was a very difficult and confusing time for me. Spending 4 1/2 years in college and then graduating my expectations were a little high and the real world hit me hard.

3.) I love the color PURPLE! It has been my favorite color since I was 8 or 9-started out that way because it was also Donny Osmond's favorite color and I LOVED him!

4.) My kids names Taylor-Carley-Connor James: The names were not chose for this reason but it is kinda funny how they all tie together. James Taylor and he was married to Carly Simon.
People actually have asked me if I did that all on purpose-no but I do love James Taylor's music!
So if you like... actually Taylor was a name I heard for the first time as the name of a pop singer named Taylor Dayne in the 1980's. Carley -yes I heard it first from Carly Simon. Like it better with the e and thought it was a cool way to honor my mom whose name is Carolyn. Connor was a name of a boy Taylor's age whom I coached in T-ball-I always said I loved the name. Rodney liked it because there was a character on the TV show "Highlander". I also knew it had been the name of Eric Clapton's 4 year old son that died in a tragic accident. So his name had many reasons..the James part is actually after his grandpa Jim, but Connor will always be my sweet baby James!

5.) My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. Both of them re-married within a year.
My sister Lisa (she is 2 years younger than me) and I gained 3 step-siblings and later a half-sister. My step-dad had 2 children, both older than me: Shane and Shannon. My step-monster had one child who was two when my dad and her met...her name also Shannon. So yes I have 2 step-sisters named SHANNON! My little sister Sheri was born when I was 10-to my dad and his wife.

6.) I am a Pepsi addict-plain and simple-I love me Pepsi! I can tell the difference between coke and Pepsi any day. Can't drink the diet stuff-even though I need to.

7.) I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life-most of it gained in the last 3 years.
I used to have the opposite problem in my early 20's-I couldn't gain weight for nothing.
I ate and did everything to put on weight. I think I was way to tiny-especially now that I look back at pictures from 1987 from my first wedding. 103 lbs.!!!! I know it is ridiculous! I am 5 ft. 6 inches tall-I had people coming up to me all the time telling me I was so skinny-it sucked-no one tells me I am fat or overweight. weird how that works!

So random facts about me. At least I blogged--YEAH ME!

( I would really like to lose about 50 lbs.!!!! but that is for another post)

Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy