Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Momma Can't Seem To Make It Better..

MOM and her Girls...Carley, Taylor and me-April 2007-Florida Trip

Taylor and Me-In Happier Days-she was almost three. I was pregnant with Carley (barely) in this picture. Easter 1992.

I am at my wits end with knowing what to say or do for my broken hearted, depressed and just immobile daughter. I am so mad at myself for not feeling equipped to handle a 19 year old sobbing every couple hours. This make me feel helpless and so upset since I deal with depression myself and know what she is feeling. she is so overwhelmed she quit her job today-I am not sure if she will continue in college and finish the semester! I can't say or do the right thing. I lose my patience-I am a horrible mom! I try tough love-she digs her heels in. I try to get her to do small things like eat, take a shower or go on an errand-it is like pulling teeth.
I know why, I understand-but I so don't want this for her-this monster called depression-I have feared her entire life I would pass it on to her. Did I? What can I do for her-I should know what to do!!!

Her friends have deserted her-I have no idea why??? I am so mad at her Ex for giving her no real reason for changing his mind about the relationship-and he is just going on with his fun filled life with their friends. She doesn't understand what she did?? She told me Sunday she felt she needed to talk with someone-we set that up and she did see a therapist on Monday. She will continue to see her and most likely will be dealing with more than just her and Bryan's breakup( she will be faced with so much she never dealt with...her non-relationship with her dad for the last 6 years after he tried to force her to go with him for visitation and in the process caused her bodily harm (bruises, gashes and so much emotional pain), Rodney be deployed to Iraq and being wounded, my depression and anxiety issues, and all the crap she has let build up for so many years. She has never been one to talk about her feelings-that isn't such a good thing-she has stuffed a lot. I knew this and could see it-but couldn't make her deal. This was her breaking point-bless her heart, she is in so so much pain.

This isn't going to be as simple as I thought a couple weeks ago. I am praying so hard for me to know what to do and for her to know God hasn't abandoned her. I play her music to remind her God is there, I show her pictures of her happy before Bryan, I hug her and comfort her, I make her favorite food..what else can I do. I can't let her quit-I can't let her give up. I want my ambitious, laid back, smiling, dancing little girl back. Please send prayers!!!

Trying to Keep Imagining!


jojo said...

I am so upset for you. I also have struggled with the depression monster. I do know one thing...you are not a terrible mother. Taylor has a lot on her plate right now...as does your entire family. I am glad she is seeing a therapist. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. You are so much stronger than you think you are and you and your family are an inspiration to me ;) take care.

Dana said...

I remember being 19 and trying to become an adult, dealing with man issues at that time it seems like the end of the world. Depression is a big deal and her talking to someone will help tremendously. You are not a terrible mother. You can only do so much and the rest is up to her. Give it time. She will heal.

Reddirt Woman said...

Try to encourage her to continue with the therapist. I went through a horrible withdrawal from the world, depression and stupid fears when I was 19. It was very hard for me to open up with the therapist, but deep inside I knew I had to because I couldn't hardly stand my own self. Don't try to force her, but use encouragement, even if you have to be subtle with your strokes. For example, if after a counseling session she seems a bit more toward her old self, tell her she seems lighter today and drop it unless she wants to go further. I hope this little bit helps you, but don't beat yourself up because she knows,deep down, that this is hers to deal with and learn from not something you did to her. She already started the process by asking for help. Go with it.

Helen G.