Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Song Brought It Back..


I cried today-I cried like I did so many times while Rodney was deployed, when he was so far away from home, so far away from me. That time from June 6 until October 12,2006 is a part of my life in which I was sure my heart would break in two. Music was something I relied strongly on during this time-there are so many songs that I related to.Most of them sad songs about missing someone-which I was! I avoid those songs a lot now-but sometimes they play and catch me off guard-like today- I sobbed just like I would when he was deployed even though I loved the songs and in some ways the music was the only thing that comforted me. I am one of those people that recalls how old I was, where I was, what I was doing by the music that was playing on the radio. I heard one of the songs today: "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down.
It brought back those memories-and what do I remember...

I had no real idea how much I loved my husband until he was gone-and not a daily part of our family. I lived for phone calls, emails, cards & letters, instant messages-any kind of contact was what I lived for. I felt like a lost teenage girl again-in love but unable to be with the object of my affection. When we did see each other on leave and visits-it was incredible and so special.

My life during deployment turned into a chance for me to grow as a person-I cleaned, organized, decorated my house, learned a lot about Iraq on the Internet :), I was learning to be an army wife. I took much better care of myself because I wanted him to come home to me and be proud of me. I joined a gym, I got spray on tans, I bought new clothes and I got a tattoo. I thought of him constantly-care packages (which I loved putting together for him!)made videos and cd's for him, I wrote letter & emails, I took 2 trips to see him in Mississippi in 3 months. I was so focused on making our life the best when he finally returned home.

Weird now to look back-I was growing and I was so in love during a period where I worried, cried and waited-and waited. I had my kids(they were such a comfort and made me laugh when I needed to)-I had to keep going-I knew the deployment would be over-there was a ending to it even if 12-15 months felt like an eternity.
Now I am still waiting for my husband to return home-even though he lives here.
Thing is that those people (the deployment Rodney and Tracy) don't exist any longer-that makes me sad. We were good to each other and for each other.

So I actually now look back at deployment as a hard thing, but it was a time where I also had so much hope and I was still innocent and naive to the ways of the Army world. So even though I cry when a song plays it makes me remember how the heart did grow fonder when he was away. We can't forget..how much we missed each other.

We will make it through this and come out stronger on the other side. I have to believe that-maybe I need to find a song that helps me believe that.


Trying to Keep Imagining!
Tracy

5 comments:

Amy said...

I love this song too. It's nice to fall in love all over again. I will hear a song or a smell that takes me back in time....sometimes good and some times bad. I try to remind myself how much I love the people in my life and not take them for granted. It must have hurt very deeply to say good-bye to Rodney. I am so glad that he made it home even if not in one piece. I pray that all the BS is over very soon.

Alice said...

Wow. This was a very powerful post. It brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine what you guys are going through. I hope you know how grateful we are that your husband served us so well. And he absolutely deserves all the care and rehabilitation that is owed to him. It is the least we - as a country- can do.

Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog. My nephew belongs to my YOUNGER brother, too. We are so happy to have him in our lives and I'm glad it brings back good memories for you.

Keep on holdin' on. You may never get back to where you were, but I hope you end up some place even better. There's a girl in Georgia rooting for you!

Ness said...

I totally understand how important music is in your life. It is the core of my life. I, too, had an Army guy leave me for duty in Sept. 72 and I never heard from him until years later. Long story but just to say that there are songs from back in 72 that stop.me.cold when I hear them today and bring back the memories of him being MIA and out of my life. Not sure this song would help, but Rascal Flats does a song "Bless the Broken Road" and it really gives me hope. Maybe you should give it a listen. You're in my prayers that this hell is over soon and you and Rodney can find your way back to the Rodney and Tracy you can be now.

Mandi said...

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. I can so relate to this post, I STILL cry at all those songs (and "Come Home Soon" by SheDaisy was a big one back then). My husband came home with a permanently injured back and serious PTSD. I've been there with him as he was "hiding" under the bed hallucinating that he was with the Iraqis, crying, etc. It was scary, and thankfully he hasn't had an "episode" in quite awhile thanks to his meds (although I do see quite a difference if he goes even a few days without them).
I don't think anyone came home from this war unharmed. But I'm so glad we're not alone in this journey, and we can find other families like yours who can understand what we're going through. Because let's face it, unless you've gone through it, you really can't understand fully.
Anyway, thanks for the comment and best wishes to your husband and your family!

jojo said...

Beautiful post. Songs have great meaning to me too...sometimes too much. You are such an inspiration to me...I hope you know how strong you are ;)